Whatever may come
by Carla
Summary: Addisoncentric. Addison deals with a great loss and struggles to face the rest of her life... I suck at summaries. Sorry.
1. Chapter 1

Whatever may come

By Carla

DISCLAIMER: The way the season's going, this is a total A/U. As much as I would love to claim some of the guys as mine, they're not. Would I be writing if I owned those boys? ;) Shonda does, her people too. Hope you enjoy the story!

Chapter I

2 weeks ago…

"_Here?" he asked, covering her flat stomach with his hand._

"_Yeah." She breathed, comforted by the feeling of his skin, next to her. She always felt comfortable around him. He was the one person she knew she could turn to and would be there for her. He was the love of her life, her soul mate. Even if it had been really hard for them to figure that out in the beginning, she knew it was worth the tears and the fights and everything that came after that._

_Everything had been worth it for them to be now at this moment._

"_I can't believe it." He murmured in that deep voice that made her swoon, as he leaned forward and kissed her softly in the forehead._

"_Neither can I." she answered, caressing his strong arms. She was lying on her back, her husband next to her, both naked in their bed. Their penthouse was a far cry from the trailer, she still had nightmares about it. Their place was like a little piece of New York in Seattle, like she liked to put it. She loved their place, she had decorated it herself._

"_You do realize we're moving, right?" he asked, and she wondered if he was reading her mind._

"_What? Move? What… why?"_

"_Because no son of mine is going to grow up in an apartment…"_

"_Penthouse!"_

"_Whatever…"_

"_And we could have a daughter."_

"_Addison, that's hardly the point."_

"_I love this place!"_

"_I do too, but come on. Our kid is going to need a garden and maybe a little pool and lots of space to run around…"_

"_We have space here."_

"_A baby should live in a house. Come on, this is for little Matthew."_

"_Who is little Matthew?" she asked, glaring at him._

"_Our baby." He answered, kissing her stomach._

"_When did we name him Matthew?"_

"_I was just thinking names over…"_

"_When? I told you yesterday I was pregnant."_

"_Since yesterday. Don't you like Matthew?" she glared at him again and sighed, "Come on, it's cute! Baby Matthew? Matt? Mattie? How can you not like Mattie?"_

"_I don't like or dislike it… I just haven't thought about names yet." She looked at him in the eyes. They were shining. He was so happy with their pregnancy, and she was happy too. She had always wanted a child, and seeing him this excited at the prospect of being a father made her heart swell._

_And he did seem rather attached to the name…_

"_Matthew?"_

"_Matthew."_

"_It's a good name." at that, he smiled his brightest smile._

"_I thought so too."_

"_Although I would have loved to be a part of the whole naming our child thing," she half-joked._

"_Okay. Fair's fair. You let me have Matthew, you can decide the girl's name."_

"_Oh, so you do know there's a chance this baby may be a girl?"_

"_No, this is my kid, I know it's gonna be a boy."_

"_Macho much?"_

"_Ha ha. But, in the off chance we may have a girl… that I would love as much as a boy…"_

"_Mmmhhh…" she was enjoying herself. She started thinking about names while he caressed her face tenderly, his other hand still covering her stomach, trying to get that much closer to their child._

"_Anything…?"_

"_I was thinking… Kathleen…?"_

"_Kitty?"_

"_No way."_

"_Katie… Kate?"_

"_Katie… I kinda like Katie… it's sweet."_

"_So, Kathleen?"_

"_Yeah…" she smiled, looking at him, "Kathleen and Matthew."_

"_Those are great names."_

"_Yes, they are."_

"_Can you believe we just named our child?"_

"_No… it's just so…"_

"_Amazing."_

"_Yeah."_

"_We're pregnant."_

"_Really? You getting that much morning sickness, sweetie?"_

"_You know what I meant, Addison." He scolded her, good-naturally._

"_I know." And she did, and although she was teasing him now, it meant the world to her that in the day he had known about their impending parenthood, he had already made the time to think about names and was using the plural. It made her feel happier than she had imagined to know her husband was going to be by her side every step of the way, because truth be told, she was scared. She was having a child, she was going to go through a pregnancy, and labor, and then she would get to take the child home with her. She was going to be a mother. And her husband was going to do it alongside her, and that gave her all the strength she needed at the moment._

"_I love you, Addison." He whispered, kissing her on the lips._

"_I love you too." She answered, and God she meant it! This was a whole new life, something she had not imagined having in a long long time. But now, it was all hers, he was hers. She felt loved, wanted, protected, in love, desired, worshipped… she felt a million things, even before the pregnancy._

"_I just want you to know… that I'm here for you, babe. For you and little Matt or Katie, I'm here. Whatever you need, I'm going to take care of the both of you for the rest of my life. You two are the most important thing in the world to me, and I'm going to spend every single second of my life making sure you know that. I know I can be a jerk and we have our issues, but bottom line, I love you and I love our baby. And I'm going to do everything I can to be the best husband and the best daddy you two can have. Okay? You know that?"_

"_I do." She said, shocking back tears. Pregnancy was making her emotional already, and listening to her husband's words was making it almost impossible to stay in control of her emotions. She couldn't do anything but throw her arms around his neck and bury her face on the hook of his shoulder as he kept whispering over and over that he loved her._

_And she loved him too._

Now…

Addison couldn't help remembering a happier time as she sat, all dressed in black, watching as her husband's coffin descended into the ground. Could it be really only two weeks? Two weeks since everything in her life was perfect? She was married to a wonderful man who was nuts about becoming a father, she was carrying their baby and so happy… and now, he was dead.

It was almost impossible to grasp… she was a widow now.

How could he die? He was young, a good man and an excellent surgeon. He was not supposed to die. They were supposed to be house-shopping for a house with a garden, where baby Matt or Katie could give his or her first steps. They were supposed to raise a family, listen to their baby's first words and… and he was just supposed to be there.

She was not supposed to do it all alone.

"Addison…" she felt strong arms around her, as she turned to meet her mentor's gaze. He was concerned, heart-broken over her. She was heart-broken over herself too.

"This is wrong Richard." She couldn't bear it anymore. The coffin was at the bottom now. Everyone was staring at her, and she knew they were expecting her to walk out and threw the first handful of dirt over the coffin.

"You don't have to do this if it's too much."

"Too much? He's dead, Richard! He's dead, he's never going to meet his child! That is too much!" she was sobbing now and she couldn't stop.

"I know, sweetheart." Richard answered, caressing her face, "But you need to be strong now, okay?" he was talking to her as she would a child now, as she would one day address her baby, "Think about your baby, he needs you to remain calm and strong." At that moment she wanted to yell at the absurdity or been calm and trying not to be upset with her husband lying unmoving under the ground, but she knew Richard was right. This baby was the only remaining important thing in her life.

"I love him. I miss him." She whispered, more calm now.

"I know." She nodded, breathing. _Good air in, bad air out…_

"I'm okay." She whispered.

"You ready?"

"Yeah." Richard took her hand and walked her over to the grave, staying by her side the whole time in case she needed him. Addison took a handful of dirt and threw it over his coffin, her vision again clouding with tears.

"I love you." She whispered, as she made her back to her sit… she saw them walk in a line, mimicking her actions… all this people who had inducted him into their lives, accepted him as one of their own… first his mother, his brother, then Richard, Adele Webber, Miranda Bailey, Preston Burke, Christina Yang, Alex Karev, Izzie Stevens, George O'Malley, Callie Torres, Meredith Grey… it was an emotional moment as she saw him walk over to the grave… his eyes were sad and he couldn't stop some tears from falling. It was good to know that in the end, the two more important men in her life had finally made peace.

And as the buriers started filling the grave after Derek Shepherd said his final good-bye to his one time best friend, all she could do was stare at the headstone that would be marking his final resting place.

_Mark Gregory Sloan_

_1966-2008_

_Husband, father, friend, healer._

_He will be missed_


	2. Chapter 2

Hi, thanks for the reviews! I love those! And I'm kinda in love with Eric Dane, never mind how be behaves in the show, I love him, so it just HAD to be Mark ;) Here's the next part, still a short one though.

Hope you enjoy it!

Chapter II

Addison looked around the place she had called home now for about a year. She remembered Mark's hands covering her eyes as they made their way through the building and into their new penthouse, the one he bought when she agreed to move in with him.

She had called Mark soon after finding that Derek, then her husband, had slept with Meredith Grey at the now infamous 'prom night'. Mark had caught the first plane he could, showed up at the front door of her hotel room, and just hold her as she cried her eyes out. The weeks that followed were sort of a blur, staying at the hotel with Mark for a whole week, going through divorce, meetings, lawyers, properties… it had been horrible.

Passing Meredith and Derek through the halls of Seattle Grace hadn't been a walk in the park either. At first, Mark had being acting like _'_Mark'. Once she told him she had not interest in having a relationship with him, he had roamed Seattle, attacking anything with a skirt. Once he got over the pain of her not wanting to be with him at the moment, Mark had decided to stay in Seattle for her sake. Richard had offered him a job, much to Derek's chagrin. He had accepted, with the condition that he had to be able to make the odd journey to New York, Mark could never totally say good-bye to his city and he had a lot of clientele over there. So Doctor Mark Sloan had made Seattle Grace one of the foremost Plastic Surgery Centers this side of the sea. And after that, Mark had surprisingly become a big help. Even managed to keep it in his pants as she tried to figure out her life, who knew?

Six months after her divorce was final, Addison had undressed him on the on call room. She had to smile at that memory, he had been so stunned. She had finally been starting to feel like herself, she had slowly realized that maybe she was already over Derek and ready to move on with her life.

She had remembered falling in love with Mark the first time around in New York. She couldn't remember falling out of love with him, though.

So she decided to take a chance.

And the chance had paid off. Mark was everything she had remembered… cocky, arrogant, loved to get on people nerves, annoying, loving, sweet, tender, passionate, strong… she had remembered the love he had never forgotten.

About a month after they got together, he had proposed. A week after that, they moved in together and a couple of months later they were married. It had been a beautiful ceremony, with friends and family. She had been particularly touched when Derek showed up, Meredith by his side, and asked to talk to her alone. Addison had been worried he wouldn't attend to the ceremony, and had been surprisingly relieved when she saw him entering her private chambers as Savvy and Miranda had been fussing over her make-up and wedding gown.

"_You look beautiful, Addie." He smiled at her and she could see the sincerity in his eyes. She smiled at him, taking his hand in hers._

"_Thank you… and thank you for coming."_

"_I couldn't miss it."_

"_I… I just thought maybe…"_

"_I wouldn't show up?" he smiled and took her in his arms, "I thought about it, but you are family, Addison. How can I not come to your wedding?"_

"_You mean that?" she asked, burying her face on his shoulder, knowing Savvy and Miranda were going to murder her for effectively ruining her make-up._

"_I know we've made a good job of avoiding each other since the divorce… no more that polite hellos at the hospital and consults… but you are Addison, you're a part of me."_

"_You're a part of me too, Derek."_

"_Good. Then let's not forget that again, okay? I don't want to continue like this. Our life together was beautiful, and just because our marriage didn't work out, that doesn't mean fifteen years of loving each other disappear."_

"_I've missed you." She answered, breaking away from his embrace so she could look him in the eye. She was smiling as the tears fell from her eyes._

"_I've missed you too." He grinned his McDreamy smile and cleaned her tears with her thumb, "Oh come on, Addie. Don't cry, Bailey is going to kick my ass for making you cry and ruin your make up." He joked, and Addison couldn't help but laugh. This was good. This was her Derek, the guy that had been was such an important part of her life for a long time. Maybe now, as she began a new life, she would get her friend back._

"_Okay. You're right. Thanks for coming to my wedding, now get out so I can redo my make up."_

"_Oh, now you kick me out? Nice, Addison." He joked. Then he grew serious and moved to kiss her softly on the forehead, "I love you, Addison. You make sure Sloan treats you right, or I'll make him pay."_

"_I love you too, Derek. And Mark is wonderful to me, you don't need to worry."_

"_Good. I'll see you walking down the aisle, Addie."_

"_Bye Derek." As he turned to leave, Addison couldn't help herself but calling him again, "Derek?" he turned to her, and she smiled, "Now that we have made our peace, maybe it's time for you and Mark to make amends."_

Soon after the wedding, both men had starting building back their friendship. She had been happy for them, they both seemed much more at peace now. Mark had made friends with Preston Burke rather quickly after coming over to Seattle, something that everyone was a little surprised about. But she knew Mark, she knew he missed his best friend, and Derek had missed him too. It was good to see them talking, everyone deserved a second chance.

So, for a while there, everything seemed perfect. A few months after their wedding, she had started feeling sick. Mark had freaked out, wanting to rush her over to the hospital and run a series of tests, until she had told him she suspected she was pregnant. She had never seen a bigger grin on her husband's face. He had rushed over to her and kissed her deeply, despite her protests that she had just been sick. Mark had been so excited, holding her and kissing her until Addison had to push him away in order to continue been sick. Once she was done, Mark had helped her to the bed and handed her a glass of water. After making sure she was alright, he had rushed over to the closest drugstore and bought a home pregnancy test.

She had frowned upon that.

World renowned neonatology and gynecological surgeon and he had brought her a home pregnancy test? She had actually felt a little bit insulted.

But Mark hadn't cared about her diplomas and practically locked her into their bathroom until she took the test.

The test that came back positive. Addison Forbes Montgomery-Sloan was pregnant. The two weeks leading up to Mark's death had been filled with talks about their baby, arrangements, plans… Mark had been adamant about buying a house.

He was getting his wish.

Addison sighed as she looked around the place she and Mark had called home. All the furniture was gone, barely a few boxes left. A week after Mark's funeral, she had found it impossible to stay at the penthouse. She had been staying with Richard and Adele Webber, but she knew she had to get her own place at some point.

"We are almost set, Matt." She murmured, caressing her still flat stomach. At nine weeks pregnant, morning sickness was still going on strong, but she wasn't showing yet. She walked slowly towards one of the boxes and was surprised to find Mark's photograph on top of it. She remembered that picture, she had taken it, and it was one of her favorites. Mark had been sitting on their living room, on the rug, his back against the wall, giving her his devil may care trademark smile.

"You got it, Mark. I'm moving. Matt and I are going to live in a house with a huge garden and a pool in the back. It's beautiful." She missed him so much.

"Addison?" a soft voice called her name behind her.

"Hey, Preston." She answered, turning to face her friend. Preston and Derek had been helping with the move, she hadn't had the heart to pack Mark's stuff herself. This morning, she had come only to see the end result. Everything was packed, she was good to go. Obviously, both Preston and Derek had been adamant about allowing her to carry a single thing. Adele and Richard were already waiting at her new house, with Miranda Bailey.

She had been surprised when Izzie Stevens had come to help… then again she was her protégé and her friend, she had already made several offers to help her with the baby whenever needed.

She had almost fainted when Alex Karev showed up to help.

"_Sloan was my attending."_ Was his succinct explanation. She didn't question him further, she knew Mark had worked with him since coming to Seattle and whoever cared about her husband couldn't be that bad on her list.

"Ready to go?" Preston's question made her thoughts stop, and he slowly removed the picture from his hands.

"I guess." She inhaled deeply and felt Preston's arms around her shoulders.

"You're doing fine, Addison. Better than I expected."

"Well I kinda have to. For Matt."

"Matt?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"The baby." She answered with a shy smile, covering her stomach protectively with her hand "Mark wanted to name the baby Matthew."

"It's a good name. Matthew Sloan."

"Matthew Mark Sloan."

"Matthew Mark. It's a great name."

"Thank you." Addison gave a last look around her home, remembering every spot she and Mark had kissed in, "I can't believe I'm moving… without Mark."

"I know it's hard, Addison. But you have to think about the good times you both had… and about the life you're building for you and Matt."

"Yeah… Mark would want me to move on, right?"

"You hear this a lot, don't you?" she had to smile at that.

"I do. But thanks anyway. Really Preston, you have been a great friend."

"Not worries. Come on, Shepherd can lift these boxes, I'm driving you home." He made her turn around, his arm still around her shoulders. She allowed Preston to guide her through her living room and up to the doorstep. She had to turn around one more time, look at the life she was living behind.

"_Good-bye, love."_ Was her last thought as Preston Burke closed the door behind them.


	3. Chapter 3

Hi, guys! Thank you for the reviews and sorry for the delay, I hope you enjoy this part.

Chapter III

_::Addie, it's me. How are you holding up? I guess you want to be alone, but please, call me if you need anything, okay? I'm here for you, Addie… I… I kinda miss him too.::_

_::Addison, it's Richard. Just checking up on you. Are you sure you're ready to come back to the hospital tomorrow?::_

_::Addison, it's Izzie. How are you? Stupid question… you're sad… oh my God! I'm so sorry... okay, scratch that. Call me if you need to talk. Otherwise… I'll see you tomorrow.::_

_::Addie, it's me. Weisz and I are worried. Honey, why don't you come back to New York for awhile? Then we can talk… let us take care of you.::_

_::Addie, it's Derek again. Could you just give me a call? I'm worried about you and the baby.::_

_::Addison, hi, it's Preston. I just wanted to let you know I have the day off today… so if you feel like doing something, hanging out with a friend, give me a call.::_

_::Addison Forbes Montgomery-Sloan, you better pick up the damn phone at some point… we are all worried about you, so please stop ignoring all your friends and TALK to someone... stubborn…::_

_::Really, Addie, come on. You gotta call back, okay?::_

_::Doctor Montgomery? It's Alex Karev. Listen, I know we're not friends or anything… just… Mark… Doctor Sloan was kind of my mentor… okay, I don't usually do these things… just call me if you need anything, okay?::_

_::Addison, turns out I don't know what to do with my day off, so… just call me back, okay?::_

_::Addison, sweetie, we are all worried about you. Richard is pacing in front of me and ruining a rather good carpet… why don't you just come to dinner? We can talk… about anything… about Mattie… just please call us back, Addison.::_

_::Addison? It's Meredith… Derek is really worried, we are all really worried. Mark wouldn't want you to be like this… just call him back, okay?::_

_::Addison? It's me, Jimmy. Look, I just wanted to talk to you, check on you and my nephew… call me okay? My brother loved you and the baby Addison, you gotta take care of the both of you now.::_

The messages went on and on. Earlier that day, she had gotten calls from her brother Roan, Mark's mother Abigail, a couple more from Derek, Preston and Richard. Another threat from Miranda, then Savvy and Roan again… she knew she had to answer at some point. She just wasn't ready yet. She knew they were all expecting her to unload, to cry her eyes out about Mark, to finally break down and move on. She knew they meant well… but she just couldn't do it anymore. She was tired, of crying, of feeling the way she felt. So, after Preston and Derek have helped her move, and the Webbers and Bailey left, she had just gone to sleep. Richard had given her an extra week off after that, to rest and get her life back on track. She had meant to get in touch with her friends, but she never found the strength. And she knew they were trying to respect her privacy and that was why they weren't banging at the door at the moment. Tomorrow she was scheduled to go back to work, and they were getting increasingly worried with her silence.

All Addison had been doing was pretty much staying in bed, trying to wrap her mind about the notion that she was now a widow. Waking every single day to rush to the bathroom and empty her stomach, she also had had to start wrapping her mind around being a single mother. She caressed her stomach fondly… she thanked God every single day that Mark had given her this last parting gift, without their son she wasn't sure she would have been able to make it.

"Addison!!!! Addison!!!!" a rather too familiar voice broke her reverie. That, and a rather loud banging on her front door. She considered not opening, since she was pretty sure she looked like crap, but he was just yelling over and over her name again and she was starting to worry her neighbors might call the police. She tied her hair in a ponytail as fast she could, put on her slippers and her robe and run to the door. When she opened she saw him… pissed as hell.

"What are you insane?!" he demanding, walking past her into the house without even been invited. She just closed the door and turned to face him, leaning on the wall.

"What?"

"You have been holed up here for a whole week, Addison! People have been calling you every hour and still you didn't call anybody back! You didn't even call Roan back…"

"You talked to my brother?"

"Yes and…"

"You hate my brother."

"I know I hate your brother, and I was so worried about you I actually had to talk to him, so you can understand why I'm so upset." Addison sighed and walked over to her couch, sitting down heavily and wrapping her legs with her arms.

"I'm sorry Derek… I didn't mean to scare anyone… I just needed some time to myself to… deal."

"Addie…" Derek sighed too and went to join her in her couch, "I know this is hard." He started, taking her hand in his, "But you can't do this ever again, okay? You don't get to disappear, we were all really worried. We didn't know if you were okay, something could have happened with the baby…"

"I can take care of my own child!" Addison proclaimed defensively, removing her hand from Derek's.

"I know you can. I mean, you shouldn't be alone, just in case."

"I know what you mean, Derek. I'm sorry, I just…"

"Mood swings?" he asked, a smile dancing in his lips.

"I DO NOT have mood swings."

"Seriously?"

"Shut up."

"Ok, I'm shutting up about the mood swings. But, I can't leave until I complete my mission."

"Mission?" Addison asked, raising an eyebrow. _This doesn't sound good…_

"Yes, mission. That's what you get when you disappear and don't talk to your friends. Richard was ready to come here and tear the door down and give you the lecture of a lifetime."

"I'm sure."

"Burke was actually coming over, I convinced him you were probably not up to visits yet and that maybe I should come first."

"I bet Preston loved that."

"Yeah, but smugness aside, we've been through a lot together. I figured I had a better chance of getting you to open the door."

"Derek, you were shouting like a madman, I had no choice but to open the door."

"Just be thankful I managed to stop Bailey!"

"Miranda was coming?" she asked, suddenly a tiny bit scared.

"Like hell she was coming. She was about ready to kick you senseless. I had to remind her you were pregnant, therefore unkickable. I couldn't come up with an excuse for her not to smack your head, though, so I'll watch out tomorrow."

"Good to know." She smiled, suddenly very tired. Surprisingly enough, she was rather glad Derek was here now. Maybe he was right, maybe she shouldn't be doing this all by herself, and maybe she should let her friends in.

"What are you thinking?" he asked, a soft smile playing on his lips.

"Right now? That I'm glad you're here." She smiled and he smiled back, leaning forward to kiss her forehead.

"Good. When was the last time you ate?"

"Derek…"

"I mean it, Addie. You have to keep up your strength." He smiled and instinctively went to put his hand over her stomach, but stop in midair. She looked into his eyes, saw the doubt there. She knew what he was feeling. Once upon a time this would not have been awkward, and this would have been their child, not hers and Mark's. She smiled to him, he was still Derek, and so she took his hand on hers and laid it on top of her stomach. His smile grew even wider, specially when they both heard a loud growl from her stomach.

"See? Even Matt agrees with me, you gotta eat something."

"How did you know his name is Matt?" she asked as Derek stood up and went to her kitchen.

"Burke spilled his guts. I really like it by the way. Addison, you have nothing in here." He announced after a quick survey of her kitchen shelves and refrigerator.

"I have some stuff."

"Not good enough, I'm taking you to a restaurant and then we're going shopping for some real food. Go get dressed."

"I don't want to go out, Derek."

"Then next time, do grocery shopping before I come over. Go get dressed."

"Derek…"

"Addison!"

"Alright, alright. I'm going." She stood up and wavered on her feet, causing Derek to rush to her side.

"Addie? Are you okay?" he asked, helping her back to sitting in the couch.

"Yeah… give me a second." She whispered with her eyes closed. A minute later she opened them again, breathing slowly.

"Are you okay? You need me to take you to the hospital?"

"No, it's okay Derek. I just got a little dizzy… that's normal."

"You sure?"

"I'm an OB, Derek!"

"Okay, okay, you are sure. Let me help you get up…" he put his hand on her back to steady her, taking her hand with his free one, "You can go on your own?"

"Yes, I'm okay, Derek." She smiled and stated walking to the stairs. Then she stopped, turned around and walked back to Derek, throwing her arms around his neck and giving him a kiss in the cheek.

"What was that for?"

"Thank you. For coming to check on us."

"Anytime, Addie." He gave her a content smile and this time she was already on the steps when his voice stopped her, "Addie?"

"Yeah?" she turned.

"About… Mark. If you need to…"

"Don't." she stopped her, looking at her feet, "I can't. Not yet."

"Alright. Then let's just do lunch, okay?"

"Okay." She smiled, walking the rest of the way to her room.

"So, where's Derek?" Izzie Stevens asked as her friend, Meredith Grey, checked over her charts.

"I don't know…he said he was going to try and check on Addison." Meredith replied uneasily. Almost two years after Addison and Derek's divorce, she still felt awkward around the red-headed attending. In those two years a lot of things had change. For instance, Meredith and Derek were together, a real couple this time and made no secret about it. He spent almost every night at her house, opting to spend some time alone at the trailer from time to time. And Addison, obviously had dated, married, gotten pregnant and subsequently lost Mark Sloan. She felt bad for Addison, she didn't deserve this, nobody did. Still, she couldn't help but feeling uneasy… Derek felt it was his responsibility to be there for her, even if Addison was no longer his to take care of.

"God, I hope he talks to her." Izzie continued, oblivious to Meredith's thoughts, "I've called her but she never picked up or called back. I was planning to go there myself after my shift… but Addison trusted me to look after things here for her, I couldn't just leave her patients." Meredith smiled, she knew Izzie and Addison had gotten closed, as Doctor Montgomery had been instrumental in getting Izzie back into the hospital after the Denny debacle. Izzie had decided to follow into Addison's footsteps and was more often than not working at the NICU. Meredith remembered how Alex and Christina had mocked Izzie in the beginning for getting signed into the "V-Squad". That was, before they realized that Izzie got to be in every single surgery Addison performed. Izzie had just stuck her tongue at them and mentioned the cool procedure Addison would be performing that morning in an unborn baby.

"She'll be thankful you took such a good care of things for her while she was gone." Meredith assured her friend.

"Yeah, well, I need to convince her things won't collapse around here if she takes it easy. You know, with the baby?"

"Yeah. I didn't even know she was pregnant before Mark died." Meredith commented.

"She found out about two weeks before the accident." Izzie shared.

"Seriously? And she wasn't telling people?"

"Well, people don't usually tell before the first trimester is over. I don't think many people knew, although I don't know how they missed Mark's silly grin, it was like it was glued to the man's face! I know they told the Chief, Bailey probably, Burke, Mark mentioned telling Derek…"

"Derek knew?" Meredith interjected. Izzie's eyes widened, probably just realizing what she had let slipped.

"Oh…"

"Spill Izzie!"

"Okay, okay! All I know is he knew, because I overheard Mark telling Addison that Derek gave him 'a talk' about it."

"A talk?"

"The whole, 'you better don't mess up or you'll answer to me' kind?"

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

"So Derek knew."

"Meredith, think nothing of it, okay? That was like three days before the accident, and they were not telling people yet. He probably figured it was their news to share."

"Yeah, okay, never mind. I have to check on my patients." Meredith left a regretful Izzie behind, wondering if maybe she was right to be worried about Addison and Derek after all.


	4. Chapter 4

Hey guys, thank you for the reviews and sorry for the delay. I hop you enjoy this part.

Happy holidays!!

Chapter IV

Derek smiled as he felt Addison's steady breath on his chest, she had fallen asleep. He was he had managed to coax her away from her bedroom and into the daylight. It had been a good day and he hoped it had helped Addison heal. He had taken her to his favorite Italian restaurant when she had claimed she had a craving for spaghetti, they had done some grocery shopping, talking about light issues… the gossip mile at Seattle Grace, Izzie Steven taking over for her on her time off… she had really lighten up when their conversation turned towards her son. Only now was Derek beginning to realize how important this pregnancy was for her. He wasn't surprise though, Addison had always wanted children… if only… no, he reminded himself, it was better not to let his mind wonder on that direction. Pregnancy suited her, he could see her glowing even in her sleep.

He remembered how Addison had come to his office, a couple of days before Mark's death, asking to have a word with him in private. She had told him then she was pregnant and she had been so shy about it… he knew why, she was trying not to hurt him, but she felt she should be the one to tell him she and her new husband were starting a family. He had been shocked at first, he had never considered a baby was something Addison and Mark would pursue. Part of him had been a little bit sad, but this was Addison's moment and the last thing he wanted was to ruin her happiness. She deserved to be happy, she deserved to be a mother. So, he had just congratulated her and taken her into his arms.

Mark, though, had been a whole different story…

"_We're talking." He had announced when he had met Mark Sloan at the nurse's station, dragging him by the arm to his office. Mark had given him an odd looked, but relented._

"_Alright, can I have my arm back now, please?" Mark had asked, his sardonic little smile plastered on his face. Derek didn't have the time to tiptoe around the issue._

"_Addie told me about the baby." That had shut Mark up, and he could read the same trepidation in his eyes that he had seen in Addison before. That had reminded him how close Mark and he used to be, before everything had gone wrong. As Addison, Mark was worried about him._

"_Okay… Derek…"_

"_Congratulations, man." Derek had surprised Mark, holding out his hand. Mark smiled and took it, and before he knew it, he was giving his former best friend a manly hug. They had been trying to rebuild their friendship after Mark and Addison's wedding, but they were not always that comfortable around each other._

"_Thanks."_

"_No… I need to say something." Derek saw Mark tense up immediately, so he started with his speech without missing a bit, "I know you love Addison, and she tells me consistently you're good to her. And she's really happy, isn't she?"_

"_She's glowing."_

"_I noticed that too. This is something she really wants, and she deserves to have it. I have not doubt in my mind she's going to be a wonderful mother…"_

"_But you're wondering about the 'dad' part, aren't you?"_

"_In all the years that we have known each other Mark, you have never ever wanted children. This is a huge deal, this is the most important thing ever. So yes, I'm wondering if you want it enough to stick by Addison…"_

"_Let me stop you right there, man. Listen, first of all, I worship Addison, I love her, there's nothing in the world that could prevent me from sticking by her. Second, I'm ecstatic she's pregnant. I know I'm not a family guy, I know it seems like something that would go against everything you know about me… but here's the thing Shep, when I'm with Addie, I find myself wanting things I never knew I could ever want. I went apartment shopping with her, I looked at about ten thousand different places even though I knew she was going to like better the first one we saw. I helped her move around the furniture for hours – same furniture she insisted I had to come shop for with her, even though I knew we would get whatever she wanted – so it could be perfect. I'm wearing a green sweater because she says I look great in it, and I hate this sweater Derek, but she loves it. When she told me she thought she was pregnant, I rushed to buy her a pregnancy test, I did the whole spin-her-around-the-room thing when it came out positive, even though I always thought it was cliché. I'm thinking about names and baby's furniture, I'm thinking about how we should paint the nursery… and for some reason, I can spend hours just laying by her side with my hand on her belly, even though it's too early to feel our baby move. Trust me Derek, I get this is a big deal. I get I'm about to be a father and I get that Addison is carrying my child inside her body right this second. Derek, I'm not going anywhere."_

_Derek didn't know what to say. He had a hard time reconciling his memories of the guy who swore no woman was ever going to manage to 'snare him', the renowned bachelor and lady's man, with this new man. That guy was standing in front of him proclaiming his love for his wife and confessing just how thrilled he was to be a father. Maybe he had nothing to worry about…_

"_I'm glad to hear that. This is Addison, Mark, she has gone through hell, granted, I'm one of the main reason's why. You know this is… hard for me, this is bringing back memories of a very dark time. But Addie wants it. I just needed to make sure that after everything she has been through, she's going to have you 100 behind her during this pregnancy."_

"_She is. And I know this is… complicated for you Derek. But trust me, we're not trying to hurt you. We're just trying to build a life together."_

"_I know. You two should be happy and beaming about this, not worrying about me. Just… make sure it was worth the wait, Mark. Make sure you don't miss a second of Addie's pregnancy, make sure you never lose sight of what is most important…"_

"_My family. Before medicine, before friends, before my freaking life. My wife and son come first, every single time."_

"_Good." Derek smiled, surprised at how much Mark had changed, "I gotta go now, man… listen, I didn't mean…"_

"_It's cool. You're looking out for Add, I can't be mad at you for wanting her to be happy… and I know you'll help keep me on track. You know, now that I'm going to be someone's 'dad'." Mark smiled, but Derek could see that he was nervous, even a little bit afraid, but excited nonetheless._

"_Always, man. See ya."_

"_Bye." After they both left the office and Mark had started walking the other way, Derek just had to call him one more time._

"_Sloan?"_

"_Yeah?"_

"_Really, congratulations." Then, Mark had smiled with a joy Derek couldn't remember ever seen on his friends face, and that had convinced him that Mark Sloan was more than ready to become a father._

"_Thanks."_

Now, he just felt sadness knowing Mark would never get the chance to be the father he planned to be. He wouldn't get to go to ultrasounds with Addison, hold her hand in the delivery room, cut his son's umbilical cord, wake up in the middle of the night to change diapers… and this baby wouldn't even get a chance to know his father. Matt Sloan would grow up listening to stories about his dad, how cool he was, how funny and talented, how he was the best plastic surgeon in the country, and how much he had loved his mother and him. How much he had looked forward in his final days to be Matt's dad. It was so sad, that both father and son would be deprived to even meet each other.

And then there was Addison.

Addison, who had been so happy during her short marriage to Mark. Addison, who had been looking forward to this child as much as her husband, hoping she would have him with her for all the little milestones of their baby's life. Derek would never even try to deny that he loved Addison, even if they had managed to fall out of love with each other and had gone their separate ways with their new loves. And right now, all he could think about was that Addison shouldn't have to do this alone.

In his brief conversation with his ex-brother in law, Roan Montgomery had commented that maybe Addison should come live with him, so his nephew would grow up with the benefit of a paternal figure. Still, Roan was a field reporter, he was always on the move and sometimes wasn't home – wherever home was – for months. Derek knew that as much as Addison adored her older brother, she would want a whole lot more of stability for her own life and Matt's. So, Derek had suggested that Roan should just call Addison and try to get her to open up.

The truth was, Derek hoped Addison would stay in Seattle. Of course, she had tones of friends in New York. Weisz and Sav where foremost in his mind, he knew their dear friends could help her through this. Still, Derek could remember clearly their best times in New York. It was always the three of them, Addie, Derek and Mark. Even though in the beginning Mark and Addison had barely accepted the other's presence for Derek's sake, they had managed to become great friends. And just like Derek, Mark had made it his mission in life to take care of the fiery redhead. So, Derek wasn't convinced that it would be good for Addison to go back to New York and face their old city without either of her knights in shining armor.

Damn… Mark shouldn't have died.

It had been an accident. A freaking accident! Maybe if Mark had left the hospital five minutes earlier or five minute later, he would still be alive. But he hadn't. He had left the hospital just in time for crossing the street to Joe's, where he was supposed to pick up Addison, as a sixteen-year-old boy was driving his dad's car, high. Mark never saw it coming, no one did, the kid came out of nowhere and run Mark Sloan in a swift motion, before crashing against the wall.

And while Derek Shepherd had managed to save the kid form ending up brain dead, Richard Webber had been unable to stop the massive internal bleeding that had killed one of their own. Addison had not been allowed into the gallery while her husband was in surgery, so she had locked herself in her office, allowing Miranda Bailey and Izzie Stevens to try and comfort her, assuring her Mark would be okay.

Derek had found Richard in the scrub room, shortly after Mark had flat lined. With a nod, they went to talk to the woman they both loved like family.

"_Addison?" Richard called her name as soon as they entered her office. She was sitting in the carpet, Izzie holding her close. Bailey had stood up to let both men in. the moment Webber called her name, Addison lifted her eyes to face her mentor._

_She had not needed anyone to say the words, she could read them on their faces._

"_No…" she whispered as Izzie tightened her arms around her._

"_Addie…"_

"_No!! No!! You don't get to tell me he… no! He can't! Richard he can't!" the scream that had come out of Addison's lips then was enough to give Derek nightmares for the rest of his life. He could feel the rawness of her pain and he couldn't help but remember the conversation he had had with Mark only to days ago. It just wasn't fair…_

_Another scream broke Derek's thoughts, and he faced Addison now, crawling to the floor with Izzie and Miranda both trying to calm her. Richard had walked slowly towards the woman he considered his foster daughter and offered his arms, so she could fall into them. Derek just stood there, watching as Richard Webber rocked Addison Montgomery-Sloan in his arms, whispering soothing words in her ear. Bailey and Stevens were both standing now, hanging back. Bailey had a look of pure pain in her eyes and Stevens couldn't help the tears that rolled down her cheeks._

_He didn't know what to do. What the hell could he say? How could he make this better for his ex-wife? Whatever he said then, it wouldn't change the fact that Addie's husband was dead._

"_Addie…?" Richard's scared voice got back Derek's attention. It took him only a second to realize what was happening. Addison had pulled away form Richard's arms and was turning very pale. She was trying really hard to breath and she looked sick. In an instant, Derek run to her desk, pulling out one of the drawers and throwing it's contents to the floor. Then he run to Addison's side and put the empty drawer in front of her just in time for her to get sick. He kept her hair out of her face and rubbed small circles on her back with his free hand. Once she was done been sick she fell back into his arms, as Izzie removed the drawer._

"_Addie… breath sweetie, come on breath for me." He whispered, caressing her face and trying to steady her shaky form._

"_I… I… can't…"_

"_You have to, Addie. Come one, you have to do it for your baby. Remember? Mark would want you to breath for your baby. Please, come on, breath…" he held her as he felt Addison inhale and exhale, trying to halter her tears and catch her breath. After a few minutes she was breathing in a normal rhythm and he allowed her to lean even farther on his body. She seemed exhausted._

"_Mark is dead." She whispered, tears rolling again down her cheeks._

"_I know, honey. I'm so sorry."_

"_Mark is dead, Derek."_

"_Mark is dead." He had confirmed, a tight knot forming in his throat._

"_I can't do this without him."_

"_You can do this, Addie." He knew immediately what she was talking about._

"_I can't raise this baby alone." She cried._

"_You are not alone, Addie. You are never alone." He whispered into her hair, holding her even tighter._

Derek took Addison in his arms. Sleeping on the couch wasn't good for her back, especially considering her condition. He took her to her bedroom, noticing the array of pictures of her and Mark on her dresser. He laid her on her bed and took off her pair of jeans, mindful of the pressure they could be causing on her belly. Addison turned so she could lay on her belly while she slept and Derek smiled as he pulled her gently, so she was laying on her side instead of on her stomach. He knew how much Addison loved sleeping on her front side, something she was going to have to change in deference to Matt. Then, he pulled the covers over her body and kissed her softly on the forehead.

He would never forget how broken Addison had been that day, when he and Richard had gone to her to inform her that Mark was dead. He remembered he had vowed to her that she wasn't alone, and he was not planning to allow his stubborn ex-wife to go through both mourning and pregnancy on her own. He may be an inadequate replacement for Mark… but he was going to be there for her. He was going to make sure Addison got through the hell she was living in, and that her long awaited baby was delivered safely into her arms.

She was not going to be alone.

He came back downstairs, looking at the clock. He called Meredith and left a message on her machine, telling her he was not going to go home that night. He laid on the couch, getting comfortable, he might as well stay the night and give Addison a ride to her first day back at work.


	5. Chapter 5

Hey guys! Thanks for the reviews, here's the next part.

BTW, the disclaimer ALWAYS applies.

Chapter V

"Are we still breathing?" Derek asked, giving Addison a side glance as he drove her car to the hospital. It was Addison's first day back at the hospital after Mark's death and she was doing her best to hide her nervousness. Still, he knew her. He knew what the little signs meant: she was twisting a curl of red hair in her finger, she was biting her lower lip and she kept looking at the window, then straight to the road in front of her and again through the window.

Addison was freaking out.

"Trying." She meant it as a joke, but Derek didn't miss the fear behind her voice.

"Everything's going to be okay, Addie. Everyone at the hospital loves you, you have tone of friends and they just want you to be alright."

"That's the thing Derek! I don't think I can take everyone being all worried and asking me if I'm okay, or giving me the pity looks…"

"Nobody is going to give you pity looks…"

"Seriously? Derek, my husband just died leaving me pregnant! I'm a freaking pity-case poster over here!"

"Okay, maybe some people are going to give you pity looks and ask dumb questions, but your friends…" he was interrupted mid-sentence as his cell phone started ringing. He sighed, "Hold on, Addie."

"Okay."

"Derek Shepherd. Hey.", pause, "Yeah, sorry, I couldn't make it home.", really long pause, "I know. It was late and…", sigh and another pause, "I'm on my way to the hospital.", pause, "Addison.", wince and pause, "I'm giving her a ride, since we both had to come to hospital this morning…", pause, "No… look… Mer… I just… you know what? Talk to you at the hospital. Bye." And Derek flipped his cell phone close.

"Oh my, God. Derek, did you just hang up on Meredith?"

"No."

"Derek?"

"A little bit, yes."

"Derek!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sleepy okay? I don't do well with girl flip-out so early on the morning."

"Don't I feel safe you're driving, then." Addison muttered, "Derek… look… my life is messed up right now, I don't want you to drag you into this…"

"You're not dragging me into anything Addison."

"Come on, I was sitting right here, listening while you got into a fight with Meredith over staying over at my place."

"She's just being whiny, not big deal. She'll be over it."

"Derek… I do appreciate you taking care of me and Matt, but we're not your responsibility. You're with Meredith now and you owe it to her to be one hundred percent involve into your relationship. Yet, you're here, worrying about your pregnant ex-wife…"

"Addie…"

"You don't have to. Seriously. I won't let you screw up your life for me on some misguided idea that you need to play the knight in shining armor, I can take care of myself and my son."

"Addison." He sighed and cut off the engine of the car. Only then did she noticed that they were already at Seattle Grace. Instead of descending from the car, Derek turned to face her and took her hand in his, "Addison." He whispered this time, coaxing her to look at him. When she finally met his eyes he continued talking, "Meredith and I are alright. I promise, you won't mess us up."

"But…"

"Hey, Montgomery! I'm talking now, alright?" he smiled at her, unable to resist moving a lock of her that kept falling over her eyes behind her ear, "What both you and Meredith need to understand here is that you and I are family. I've known you for a third of my life, I love you, you were my wife. My wife, Addison! That implies really strong feelings and a whole lot of history. That doesn't go away. And after everything we suffered together, we have just started making repairs. We are finally back at a place where we can be friends and care about each other. And whether you want to admit it or not, you need help right now, Addison."

"Derek…"

"No! Come on! You let the chief help you! Bailey, Izzie, Torres, Karev, Preston… why can't I help you? I want to help you, not because I pity you but because I love you. Because you're my friend and Mark was… he was like a brother to me for almost my whole life and he was my friend again when he… and he would never want for you to be alone."

"You can't assume this responsibility for me Derek. You can't be the guy that stands by my side during this."

"Why not?"

"Because… you have your own life. And mine was with Mark. Mark and I were supposed to raise our son together, but then he died. So, now I have to do this on my own."

"I'm not trying to replace Mark, Addie." He said softly, not missing the tears she was trying to hold back clouding her eyes, "I'm trying to be your friend, and Mark's too. This is going to be hard and you know it. You're mourning and you're pregnant. At some point you'll want to talk about Mark, and I have known him all my life, so I'm your guy. You'll want to buy ridiculously expensive and cute baby clothes, and I already now how freaky you get when you're in a shopping spree so you won't frighten me. Or you'll get disgustingly sick or ache in funny places, and I already know your anatomy from hair to toe, so you don't have to be embarrassed to talk to me about it." He paused, watching as she laughed a little at his list of reasons she should let him help. He sent a quick thank you to whoever was watching that he had managed to make her laugh today.

"Derek, you're sweet but…

"No. I'm being a good friend, an excellent ex-husband and the best uncle ever."

"Uncle, uh?"

"Come on, Matt is going to need a silly uncle. Roan is always traveling and Jimmy lives in New York, so I'm rather geographically convenient."

Addison, smiled one last time before getting serious and facing Derek again.

"Look… I just… I get that you want to help me out, but about the baby… I don't want this to be hard for you…"

"I'm okay."

"Derek, come on."

"I'm okay. Promise. At first it was kinda hard… but this baby is really important in your life, and it's the last piece of Mark we have to hold on to. So… I'm asking you to let me help you out and to let me… be a part… a part of Matt's life. If that's okay." He added the last part shyly, hoping she would know he was saying it from the heart. He got that she was probably worried about replacing Mark in her baby's life, but he was already involved in this. Since Addison told him she was pregnant and he had his conversation with Mark, he felt he was already invested in Matt Sloan's future.

Addison didn't answer right away and that was making him nervous. He was starting to wonder if maybe he had pushed to far, asking her to let him be an active part of her son's life when she was barely into her first trimester. When her husband had just died. Maybe she wasn't ready to open more spaces of her life… maybe she just felt she couldn't trust him anymore after all they had gone through together.

He waited for a couple of minutes as Addison got her thoughts together. Finally, her deep blue-green eyes were staring right through his soul.

"You're going to be a great uncle."

"Really?" he asked, a smile spreading on his face.

"But I have rules."

"You have rules?"

"Yes. Important rules."

"Let's hear them, then." He answered, amused.

"First, you never ever let me and Matt interfere with your life and Meredith's."

"You won't."

"Second," she ignored him, "you don't get to start acting like I need help to walk on my own two feet. I'm pregnant, not sick. You get to help me but you don't get to order me around or over-protect me."

"I see how that one could be tricky."

"Third, you're not obliged to anything. If you don't want to do this anymore, if you change your mind, just tell me."

"I won't change my…"

"I'm not done with rule number three. You get to change your mind, but please, and this is really important, I need you to do it before Matt is born. Just… if you change your mind and don't want to be this involved with us, do it before Matt gets attached to you. He has already lost so much and he's not even born yet, I don't want him to get used to having Uncle Derek around and then lose you too."

"He won't. I already love him, I promise."

"I know you do." She caressed his cheek lovingly, "Finally, rule the fourth. You gotta tell Meredith."

"What?"

"You gotta tell her, Derek. She has a vote here, you're her boyfriend, I can't accept your help if you don't tell her that you want to be a part of our lives."

"Addie…"

"I won't do this to her. So, the ball is in your court Derek. I'm really grateful you're even offering to be with me during this, but your girlfriend doesn't deserve to not know about this arrangement. So, I'd love for you to be Uncle Derek, but only if you promise to tell her."

Derek smiled at her, thinking for a few moments.

"I promise." He finally said. She smiled at him, a couple of tears escaping from her eyes. She threw her arms around his shoulders and he leaned into her as they embraced.

"Thank you." She whispered in his ear.

Neither of them noticed as one Doctor Meredith Grey stood on the parking lot, watching them closely through the car's window.

"It's good to have you back." Richard Webber smiled at his old student, sitting in front of his desk with a nervous smile on her face.

"It's good to be back."

"Addie," he stared at her long in the eyes, but she didn't bulge or offered any information, so he continued, "if you ever need to talk…"

"I'm fine, Richard."

"No you're not. But that's okay, you don't have to talk yet if you're not ready. What you DO have to do is take it slowly. Izzie Stevens has done a decent job of keeping track on your patients, you have top nurses and doctors on your teams, you can take it easy."

"I'd rather be in the hospital that hanging at my place, Richard."

"I know, but you need to rest. Even if you'd prefer to hang out here, you need to sleep and eat proper meals at decent hours. Also, I want your OB's assurance that you're doing alright and my future grandchild is healthy and happy in there."

Addison couldn't help but smile at his sweet words, allowing him to take both her hands into his.

"Okay… you know… this whole thing… the one bright side is that I have realized for the first time that Matt and I have more people that love us than I thought. Thank you, Richard. You're going to be a great grandfather."

"And you're going to be a great mom. Not get you butt of my office and save some lives." Addison smiled as she left the chief of surgery's office. Maybe today wasn't going to be such a bad day after all.

"Derek!" Meredith Grey ran after her boyfriend as she saw him turn in a corner, busy checking some charts. He had spent the night at Addison's, so she hadn't had a chance to talk to him yet. Derek stopped, turning lazily to face her and then giving her his patented 'McDreamy smile'.

"Hello, Meredith. How are you?" he tried a casual approach, kissing her softly on the cheek. Maybe if he played it cool she wouldn't be so upset…

"Derek! Hello? Seriously?!" okay, scratch that.

"I'm sorry, Meredith. I just… lost track of time, and then Addie was asleep and it was so late…"

"So, you just spent the night at your ex-wife's place, alone, and I'm supposed to just stand here and do nothing about it?"

"It's not like that, Meredith. Come on, even you were worried when she stopped taking calls. I just wanted to make sure she was okay. I told you I was going over to Addison's…"

"You failed to mention the fact that you were spending the night."

"I didn't plan to spend the night. Look… I need you to understand Meredith. Addison is… she's family. Right now she needs her family…"

"No! Derek, come on!" Meredith stared in disbelief at him. How could he not understand? Of course she was worried about Addison. Doctor Montgomery-Sloan, formerly Montgomery-Shepherd, had never been anything but kind towards her. Meredith never wished her bad and sometimes she even considered her a friend, albeit not a close one. But where Addison and Derek were concerned, she was not so sure about them. This was not a year and a half ago. A year and a half ago, Derek and Addison were barely in speaking terms after the divorce. A year and a half ago, Derek was fine with Addison out of his life; he didn't need Addison in his life. He had her. Meredith. They were finally getting their chance, they could finally try and be a normal couple, be in love, build a life together.

Then Addison and Mark had gotten married. She knew it was the turning point. Derek had been a changed man from the moment he got and invitation to Addison Montgomery and Mark Sloan's wedding. He had been happy and carefree, they both were happy and carefree. But then, he had gone back to 'Dark Derek'. Moody, pained, with a face of constant agony.

"_Meredith?" Derek entered their shared bedroom at Meredith's mothers' house. It was just more comfortable stating there than at the trailer._

"_Yeah?" Meredith had been sitting on her bed, reading through some medical journals. When she lifted her face she was met with a rather surprising sight._

_Derek was wearing a tuxedo._

"_You need to get ready." He announced. She didn't even need to ask him what he was talking about. There was only one event that could have him this riled up. Mark and Addison were getting married that day. She knew it, she was invited too. Never be said Addison was anything but polite. But Derek had been so put off by the wedding she figured they were just not going._

"_Derek, are you sure? I mean, this is Addison. This is Addison's wedding to Mark, the best friend from hell. Remember that? They cheated on you?"_

"_Yes, Mer, thank you for that lovely trip down memory lane. Now, can you please get dressed so we can go?"_

"_Seriously?" she asked slowly, but complied by standing up and looking for a suitable dress in her closet._

"_Seriously."_

"_I don't understand." She commented, turning to face him with a beautiful purple gown in her arms, "You hardly ever talk to Addison and you hate Mark. Why do you…?"_

"_Because," he walked towards her and kissed her softly on the forehead, "I hardly ever talk to Addison and I hate Mark. That's why we are going."_

"_I still don't understand." She commented, while entering the bathroom to get dressed and her make up on, but leaving the door opened so they could continue their conversation._

"_I think... we are in a good place Meredith. You and I, we're on a good place. I think I'm finally ready to let everything go, you know? Addison and Mark were once the biggest part of my universe. Now, I have to play it cool whenever I see Addison down the hall, and I have to worry about this being the time when Mark and I are going to get into this huge fight. I'm over that. I'm happy with you, and they should be happy too, even if it's together. At the very least, if they get married now, at least I know they didn't betray me for the hell of it. At least I know it was the real thing for them."_

"_So you want to go to their wedding." She said, as she stepped out of the bathroom, already in make up and dress._

"_I want to go to their wedding. I need to talk to Addison now, then maybe someday I will be able to stop hating Mark."_

"_You really want to make peace with them, don't you?"_

"_Yes. I do. I miss my family. Shall we?" he asked, giving her the smile that made her go week in the knees and offering her his arm._

"_We shall." She smiled back, contentedly taking his offered arm._

She hadn't really understood then, that Derek was really serious. He considered Addison and Mark his family. And now, Mark was gone. And Addison was left alone. With a baby on the way. And Derek had spent the night at her place, just to make sure she was alright and to give her a ride to work on the morning. And for some reason, Derek seemed to be unable to understand why she was upset and she was feeling the urge to kick him.

"What?!" he asked, defensively.

"You can't do this to me now, Derek. It's not fair. This is about you and me and our life together. I'm sorry about Mark, I feel for Addison, but I'm not going to let you play surrogate husband and father for her."

"How can you say that?"

"Because that's who you are, Derek! The freaking knight in shining armor! And right now she's vulnerable and alone and you can't help yourself to want to fix her life and take care of her. But the truth is, you can't do this for her and you can't do this to me. After all we have suffered through, all the pain and ache and the wanting to be together, after every single thing we went through together, you can't leave me alone in this relationship. I love you Derek, and you love me, we go first. And you can't help out Addison, not really, unless you can bring Mark back so that she has a husband and her baby has a father." As soon as the words left her mouth, she could see the effect they had on him. His whole face and demeanor had changed, and his eyes were blazing.

"Are you done now?" he asked.

"No Derek, I'm not. If I were done here, with you, I wouldn't be upset that you spent the night at Addison's. I wouldn't care about you wanting to step into a situation that doesn't concern you…"

"It does concern me."

"What?"

"It does concern me. First, Addison is my ex-wife. She was my whole world for such a long time, and we don't hate each other anymore. So Meredith, I'm sorry, but you'll have to get used to the fact that Addison's a part of my life and that if she needs me, I'm going to be with her during this."

"Derek…"

"I'm not done. That's not it. There's also… Mark. I met Mark when I was four, he was my preschool best friend. Do you understand that? In all my life, there were only four years that didn't include Mark, and I can't remember most of those years, so I feel like I've known him all my life. And whatever else happened between us, Mark was my brother, my only brother. And I saw him grow up, and be a jerk and a jackass and finally, I saw him mature. He wanted to be there for Addison and he was looking forward to having a child. He was gonna make one hell of a father for their baby. But he won't get the chance. And Mark was my brother and he died. And Mark's wife, who happens to be another member of my family, happens to be pregnant. Addie will be pregnant without Mark, she'll have the baby without him, she'll raise him alone. And one day, that little boy will ask all these questions about who his daddy was, and I want to help Addison answer them. Because Mark was my brother and the very least I can do for him is make sure his son knows that he was wanted and loved by his father. So this is it."

"This is it?" asked Meredith, a little bit stunned by Derek's speech.

"Yes. I talked to Addison, and I asked her to let me be a part of this."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean everything. I can't replace Mark but I can give her what he would have wanted for her to have during her pregnancy. I want to make sure she eats right, that she's healthy, I want to do anything that she needs. And I need you to be okay with this. I love you Meredith, but I'm doing this. I'm not letting that little boy grow up without a father figure in his life."

"So that's that? You lay it out there and I'm supposed to just… accept it? Get over it? What, Derek?"

"I… I just…" he never got to finish that sentence, as Meredith left him standing in the hall by himself.


	6. Chapter 6

Hi, so I'm a lazy updater and I have no excuse. So, as way to apologize to whoever still bothers to read my story, I'm posting the next two parts. I hope to update more soon ;) Anyway, here's the story and a very special thanks to Anjali for beta reading this story.

Chapter VI

Derek Shepherd was not a happy man. At least he wasn't today, not after his conversation with Meredith. Part of him wanted to be really pissed off at the fact that Meredith couldn't understand why he felt a responsibility towards Addison. He was trying to be a good guy, he was trying to help Addison through the most difficult time of her life, and Meredith wasn't even trying to understand.

On the other hand, he could understand where Meredith was coming from. Addison was his ex-wife, and here he was, telling his girlfriend not only that he wanted to be friends with her, but that he wanted to help her out with her baby. Meredith being pissed was, if anything, way too logical.

But there was more than that. This was not only his hero complex. This was something he felt he HAD to do. Even if he never did a good deed again, he needed to do this for her. Not only for her…

"_I don't wanna go, mommy!" four-year-old Derek Shepherd wailed as his mother carried him in her arms. It was his first day of preschool and he thought he had made a pretty convincing case of why he didn't want to go._

_Apparently not as good as he thought, considering he was going to preschool either way._

"_Come on, Derek, you'll love it." Beatrice Shepherd tried to calm down her son as he tried to free himself from her arms and, she guessed, make a run for it._

"_No!" he cried out, finally breaking free. Before his mom could catch him, he had run to the front patio, trying to decide his next move. He was not allowed to cross the street unless he was holding an adult's hand, so his options were quite limited._

"_Whatja doing?" another boy called behind him. Derek turned to the other child. He was a bit taller than Derek and he was wearing a pair of jeans and a Spiderman T-shirt. And he was looking at Derek quite curiously._

"_Running."_

"_Why?"_

"_Cause school stupid!" Derek defended his actions, as if they were so clear that no further explanation was required._

"_How you know?" the boy asked, and Derek didn't know what to say, considering he had never spent a whole day at school yet._

"_I just do. And Spiderman's stupid too!" Derek decided that was a nice comeback to the boy who had questioned his knowledge of school. He puffed out his chest for effect, so the other boy could see his Superman t-shirt._

"_Na-ha! Superman's stupid!"_

"_No way!"_

"_Way!"_

"_No!"_

"_Yes!"_

"_Derek!" He turned as he heard the unmistakable voice of his mother coming towards him. He sent a withering look at the Spiderman-lover who had caused him to get caught on his freedom run and walked towards her mother._

"_I don't wanna go, mom!"_

"_I'm sorry, Derek, but you have to. You'll have fun, alright? You'll play and learn new things and you're going to make tons of friends."_

"_I wanna go home!" Derek whined, and all Beatrice could do was kiss his forehead and make sure he stayed in the classroom this time. By the time the teacher was in front of the class, easing the kids into their new environment, all the parents had started to leave. Derek gave his mother one last sad look before turning back to his new teacher. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed him again. Spiderboy… he was with a woman, his mom probably, and she was kissing him and telling him to have fun. After the woman left, the boy started looking for a place to sit. As fate would have it, he ended up sitting next to Derek. While the teacher was taking attendance, the boy turned to him._

"_Spiderman would kick Superman's butt, anytime!" he exclaimed smugly._

"_Would not!"_

"_Would too!"_

"_Would not!"_

"_Would…"_

"_Mark Sloan," the teacher called, causing the boy to stop arguing with Derek and raise his hand._

"_I'm Mark!" the boy exclaimed, with a wicked glint in his eyes._

Derek had to smile at the memory. He had spent way too many a day arguing with Mark about Spiderman and Superman. That was the first of a long sequence of points they had never managed to agree upon: Mark said Spiderman, Derek said Superman; Mark said chocolate ice cream, of course Derek would say vanilla; Mark had wanted to go to Paris to celebrate their high-school graduation, but Derek was adamant about going to Rome. Derek should have really suspected something was up when they both agreed red-heads were hot.

He had been furious at Mark and Addison for the longest time. But now that just seemed so irrelevant… he had moved on with Meredith, Mark and Addison had moved on together, and now his best friend since he was four years old was dead. And he loved Meredith, he really did, but he had to be there for Addison. His only brother was dead, with plans and hopes and a bright future no longer ahead of him. Mark had been a man on a mission; he was doing everything he could to become a decent man, someone his son would be able to admire and want to be like as he grew older. But he had never had the chance. He was gone. He had left behind the woman he loved and the child he dreamed about. The only thing Derek could do was be there for both of them.

He had managed to convince Addison to let him help her, and now he had to convince Meredith that this was the right thing to do.

Meredith Grey practically ran down the halls, trying to reach an empty on-call room. Once her mission was accomplished, she locked herself in the small room and promptly slipped down onto the floor, her head in her hands. What was happening? After everything that had happened, her precious McDreamy couldn't let go of his past. When she decided to be with him, she'd known he had baggage– she had baggage too. She was not just a girl and he was not just a guy, but that was okay with her. Derek was worth the fight and the pain and everything that came along, because there was no doubt in her mind that Derek Shepherd was the love of her life.

But she didn't know how to hold on to that love any more. She knew that she would leave anything and everything for Derek, and she had just assumed that he would do the same for her. But apparently she had been wrong; Derek seemed unable to let go of his past and the people in it. She sighed, knowing she shouldn't be feeling or acting like this, that she should be the bigger person and not object to his "friendship" with Addison. Still, she was freaking out and she was throwing a temper tantrum and she felt kind of entitled.

She was still reviewing her last conversation with Derek in her head when the door to the on-call room opened.

_Of course Addison would choose this on-call room at this moment_, she thought to herself. She knew she shouldn't be upset at Addison either. Still, she didn't have a good grip of her feelings at the moment, and she knew she wasn't particularly happy to see Addison step into the on-call room.

"Hi." Addison smiled uneasily, which made Meredith suspicious.

"Hi." The silence between the two of them was deafening. Addison was standing by the door, Meredith was sitting on a bed, and they were both staring at the floor.

"I just came to…" Addison started, motioning to the bed.

"Yeah! Yeah, of course..." Meredith motioned for Addison to sit on the bed in front of her. The older woman sat down and took a deep breath.

"Long day."

"Yeah, I guess. It's really good that you're back."

"Yeah. It's good to be back."

"Izzie must be glad you're back at Neonatal."

"Yeah, she did a great job these past few weeks. Everything's great here." Silence again. Meredith didn't know what to say anymore. She wanted to directly ask Addison what was going on between her and her boyfriend, she wanted to yell at Addison that this was her chance with Derek, hers. 'Addison and Derek' was over. They had been 'Meredith and Derek' for a long while and she was standing her ground, she was not giving Derek up.

She loved Derek, she was going to fight for him, and she was ready to tell Addison.

But… she could see the dark circles under Addison's eyes. She noticed the sadness that had settled in her face after Richard Webber and Derek Shepherd entered her office to tell her that her husband was dead. She could see how beaten down Addison was and how forcibly she was trying to keep it together.

"Look… I'm not going to ask if you're okay… you're not. But just… anything you need, we're all here to help you out." Meredith noticed Addison's expression change after she spoke. She seemed more distant that before, as if she was trying her hardest not to let anything slip from her façade.

"Thank you,." was all Addison whispered after Meredith's words. She clearly wasn't ready to talk about everything that had happened, and Meredith guessed she had a lot of people asking her about it, especially on her first day back at work. She didn't want to be one of them. She knew what it was like to lose someone and grieve. Addison needed her own time, and would open up when ready.

"Okay. I gotta go. Take some rest." Meredith smiled as she made her way to the door to give the other woman some privacy.

"Meredith?" She stopped when she heard Addison's voice calling out her name, turning to face her.

"Yes?"

"Did Derek… talk to you?" Addison asked tentatively.

"Yeah," was all Meredith answered, leaving Addison in the on-call room by herself. She knew she was not completely fine with the situation, she was confused about her feelings and still didn't feel comfortable alone in a room with Addison. Still, she knew she didn't hate the other woman.

She just wished she understood how she was feeling about everything else.

_::You know, you keep saying I shouldn't come up, but she probably needs me right now…::_

"I'm not saying she doesn't, Roan. I'm just saying that she's so confused at the moment that maybe having you here would be too much." Derek Shepherd was rubbing his eyes as he leaned back in the chair behind his desk. He had been on the phone with Addison's brother for fifteen minutes already.

_::That's funny, you make it sound as if I'm the one that screwed around with her life. I'm her big brother, my job is to take care of her.::_

"I'm not saying that, Roan."

_::Then what the hell are you saying, Shepherd?:: _This was why he hated Addison's brother.

"Look, what I'm saying is that Addison is sick of people walking around her asking her if she's all right. If you come to Seattle right now, she'll break. She hasn't broken yet, she's not ready to discuss Mark yet. if you come here, she won't be able to keep it together." Derek tried to explain.

_::She shouldn't be keeping everything inside right now.::_

"She's not. She's taking small steps, Roan. Believe it or not, she has people she can depend upon here."

_::So what? Now you're the guy she can depend upon?"_

"I was her husband, Roan!"

_::And look how well that turned out, Derek!::_

"_That's in the past," _was all Derek could muster, feeling the sting of Roan's comment.

_::Yeah, that's what you say, man. But here's what's happening: my baby sister's husband died, she's alone and pregnant and messed up. She won't talk about it, she's in freaking Seattle when all her friends and family are in New York, and you say I shouldn't come. You. The guy that broke my sister's heart and divorced her. She's alone, and I'm supposed to assume you are the one who's going to be taking care of her?::_

"I love Addison, Roan."

_::And a lot of good that did her in the past.::_

"Look, you know nothing about us, okay?!" Derek started yelling, "You show up at her door once a couple of years. You know nothing about her life!"

_::I'm her family! I'm her brother!::_

"Be that as it may, I'm here right now and I'm telling you, she's not ready to deal with everything yet."

_::And I'm telling you, you have no right to tell me not to come be with Addison.::_

"I'm trying to do what's right for Addison and her son!"

_::No you're not! Just because you and Addison never had any children,,,!::_

"I'm hanging up now!"

_::Yeah, of course you are. That's you Shepherd. Running away when someone_ _says something you don't like. That's why I don't want you near Addison.::_

"You know what, Roan? Do whatever the hell you want. If you care as much about Addison as you claim, you'll give her some space!" With that, Derek hanged up the phone, fuming.

They had never gotten along well. Not even when he and Addison were dating. Roan had always been overprotective of Addison. Growing up, they had only had each other to rely on. All everyone saw with Roan and Addison Forbes Montgomery was a bunch of rich names. They never knew how screwed up their home had been. They were from a rich family, but it was hardly a happy home. Their lives hadn't been normal until after their mother married their stepfather, Sean Montgomery, when Addie was five and Roan ten. But even after that, Roan felt it was his responsibility to take care of his baby sister and wasn't particularly impressed when a cocky med-student entered her life.

Years after, Derek had partially proven Roan's misgivings right when he and Addison broke up. He knew Addison loved her brother to death. Roan had been her first hero, before her stepfather, before Derek and before Mark. But right now, Addison was doing her best to keep it together, and having Roan here trying to push her into opening up when she wasn't ready was not a good idea.

"Who were you talking to?" Meredith's voice broke him from his reverie.

"Meredith."

"You sounded pretty mad."

"Just… some guy that I hate. What…? What are…?"

"I love you," Meredith stated plainly. Derek didn't know how to respond initially, considering their last conversation.

"I love you, too," he managed.

"I trust you."

"Okay."

"I'm not okay with it," she confessed.

"I know," she sighed.

"But I understand that you have to do this." With that, Meredith left, leaving Derek sitting by his desk.


	7. Chapter 7

Author's Note: Disclaimer still applies. Disclaimer ALWAYS applies. ;)

Chapter VII

After a power nap and two hours of trying to catch up with the paperwork that had accumulated while she was on leave, Addison was starting to go crazy. She was a woman of action, she liked being in the midst of things, and she was in the business of saving lives. Having to do charts was not her idea of fun. Still, she was under strict orders to take it easy, and apparently no mothers-to-be needed any help from her today. She sighed, pushing the charts away for a moment, taking off her glasses and massaging the bridge of her nose.

Maybe she had come back to the hospital too early…

She was sure Mark would have admonished her, telling her she had to take it slow and rest and not do anything she didn't feel ready to do. Yet, what was she supposed to do? Stay at her new place all day? Just stay there and be alone and spend all day wondering how was she supposed to even breathe without Mark around? Was she supposed to start figuring out what she was going to tell Matt when he asked why he didn't have a daddy?

'No,' she thought to herself, 'don't do this, Addison. Don't do this. You're holding it together, everything's going fine, you can keep going…'

"Addison?" She was startled when her thoughts were interrupted. She looked up and was faced with Miranda Bailey. She was glad to see her friend after such a long time. Even before she and Mark had gotten back together, Miranda had been there for her, trying to help her figure out her messy life. Miranda had been adamant that Mark Sloan couldn't possibly be the man for Addison, and Mark had had to grovel to get Bailey's blessing of their relationship, a condition Addison had found too much fun not to uphold. But at the end, Miranda had been a bridesmaid at their wedding and Addison had even begun discussing with Mark the possibility that Bailey could be Matthew's godmother.

"Hey, Miranda!" she greeted her excitedly, motioning for Bailey to take the seat in front of her. She was happy to have a distraction from her own thoughts.

"So, you finally decided to show up. And you remember my name, that's good to know." Addison could tell Miranda was rather upset at her disappearing act and was even a little bit hurt that Addison hadn't felt she could turn to her. Still, Addison didn't know how to apologize when she didn't even feel ready to grieve for her husband.

"I just… I'm sorry…"

"That's okay, Addison. You needed your time to get your head back on your shoulders, and I'm guessing you did considering you're here."

"Sort of. It's hard, but I'm doing my best." Miranda gave her a curt nod. Addison was once again grateful for her friends, knowing they were still trying to let her have some space. She knew they would be there to hold her when she finally broke down, but for know, they were giving her the only thing she could handle: their presence.

"So, how does it feel to be back?"

"Weird. But I'm getting back into the rhythm. And truth be told, I'm a little bit miffed about the fact that I'm not as needed as I thought I was, Stevens did a wonderful job in my absence."

"She was scared out of her mind about disappointing you."

"Well, she didn't. I'm actually quite impressed; she shows a lot of promise."

"Well, that's good. Means you can take some time to yourself from time to time and know that the world won't come tumbling down."

"I know, I know! I'm taking it is as easy as I possibly can, I promise."

"Good. Now, spill your guts."

"Pardon?"

"Oh, you're not fooling anyone. My spies tell me you drove to the hospital today with Shepherd."

"Oh come on, Miranda!" Addison laughed it off, figuring the nurses had seen them together and that the rumor mill was probably running like crazy on their behalf.

"Don't 'Miranda' me! Spill, woman!"

"Alright." Addison sighed, "As you well know, he came to check on me yesterday. We went out, had fun, he was really sweet and then he took me back home. Then, apparently, I fell asleep; he tucked me in and crashed in my couch so that he could drive me to the hospital on my first day back."

"That's it?"

"That's it! Miranda! He's with Meredith now; do you really think that I would…?"

"No, I don't. But a while ago I witnessed a rather heated argument between Derek and Grey, so I couldn't help but wonder what the hell was going on."

"They argued?" Addison asked worriedly. _I told Derek this would happen…_

"Yeah, and your name was heard a couple of times too."

"Oh God!" she muttered, putting her face in her hands.

"What's going on, Addison?"

"Nothing!" she claimed, gaining only an arched eyebrow from Bailey.

"I'm not saying you're shacking up with your ex-husband, I know better than that. But something has clearly happened, and since you're going to come to me whining about it eventually…"

"I do not whine!"

"… making my ears bleed!" Bailey continued, ignoring Addison's defense, "We're supposed to be friends, Addison!"

"Fine, fine!" Addison gave in, knowing this was not an argument she was about to win, "The thing is, Derek and I got to talking and he wants to help me out with the baby."

"Help you out?" Miranda asked worriedly.

"Not as in replacing Mark." Addison closed her eyes, laying her hand protectively over her stomach. "Nobody could," she whispered, opening her eyes again, "Before Mark… before he… before the accident, he and Derek were starting to get along and I think they were starting to become friends again. And Derek and I were making amends too. You have to understand, Miranda, the three of us were a family back in New York. He wants to help out because this is Mark's baby and Mark can't do it himself now."

"Are you considering… Addison, are you considering getting back together?" Bailey asked seriously.

"What? No! Miranda… I wake up at night and roll over to the other side of the bed, thinking Mark is still there. I'm not even thinking about a relationship right now. And Derek is with Meredith, and I respect that."

"Okay, sorry, I just had to ask. So, Derek wants to help?"

"Yeah, you know, if I need a hand or anything, which was really sweet of him. Only thing, he's not single, and I didn't want to cause problems between him and Meredith. Guess that ship has sailed."

"Guess so."

"Damnit. I need to talk to him, let him off the hook."

"Does he want to be let off the hook?"

"That doesn't matter. I'm not messing up his relationship."

"You won't. He's trying to be a good friend to you. Grey will understand."

"This is just not fair."

"No, life's not fair to anyone. But we deal with it and move on." Bailey offered Addison a smile before standing up and walking to the door. "Wanna go to Joe's after your shift?" she asked.

"Yeah." Addison smiled at her friend. A night out would be good.

"Hey," Derek greeted Addison happily as she left the hospital, Miranda Bailey by her side. He was at the door, waiting for Meredith so they could leave for the night.

"Derek, hi." Addison smiled nervously, causing Derek to wonder what was wrong. When they had talked in the morning, she hadn't seemed so on edge.

"McDreamy," Bailey greeted him coldly. He knew the woman liked him, deep down. He knew he could rely on Miranda Bailey whenever it counted. But he also knew that whenever Addison was thrown into the mix, all Bailey could see was him being a jerk to his wife. He didn't mind at all; it was good to know Addie had people to look out for her when he wasn't around. Also, by remembering the last days of their marriage he could keep in mind how much he had hurt her, and how much he didn't want to do it ever again.

"Hello, Doctor Bailey. Going to Joe's?"

"That's right. Ready to go, Addison?"

"Actually…" Derek didn't miss Addison's worried glance at Bailey and the shorter woman's sigh.

"I'll order you a ginger ale. I expect you to be drinking it in less than ten minutes. Shepherd." Bailey gave him a nod and left towards Joe's. Derek couldn't help but laugh.

"She's really a Nazi, isn't she?"

"That she is." Addison smiled briefly before facing him again, her expression becoming serious. "We have a problem Derek."

"Do we?"

"Yeah, we do. With rules number one and four."

"I did tell Meredith."

"But it's still messing up your life."

"No it's not."

"You argued with her, Derek."

"But we already made up!"

"Seriously?"

"Seriously. I'm waiting for her so we can go home, actually."

"Promise?" she asked. Derek smiled, poking her nose.

"Promise. She didn't like it at first, and I don't think she likes it right now either. But she said she understood why we were doing this."

"I talked to her earlier," Addison confessed, and Derek couldn't help but worry. He hoped Meredith hadn't taken her anger at him out on Addison. Then again, he knew Meredith and Addison made a point of always being civil to each other, even friendly.

"Really?" he asked cautiously.

"Yeah. She was really nice, understanding."

"That's good."

"Yeah, it's good, but it's not fair to her."

"Addison, we've been over this."

"Yes, we have. And not even a day into our agreement, you're already having problems with your girlfriend."

"We're not having problems. Look, Addison…it's complicated, I get that. But that doesn't mean we're doing anything wrong or that we're hurting people."

"But we are."

"No, we're not. Look." He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a second, before facing her again. He took her chin in his hand and smiled fondly at her. "We'll make it work, okay? Meredith already accepted this and with time…she'll get used to it, I promise. Don't freak out on me now, okay? We'll make it."

"Okay." She smiled shyly, "I'm going to blame the hormones on this, though."

"I figured you would." He smiled back before engulfing her in a hug.

"I love you," she muttered, unable to stop herself. Derek had been just perfect today; this was the Derek she remembered, the Derek she thought she had lost forever.

"I love you, too." he whispered, kissing her on the forehead before pulling away. He smiled at her again, "So…" he started.

"So?" she asked, amused.

"I talked to Roan again."

"Again? That must be some kind of record for you guys."

"Ha ha."

"What did Rory say?" Derek smiled to himself. Addison always called her brother Rory. He felt a more accurate description was the King of the Undead and Master of Hell, but out of consideration he usually just settled for Roan.

"A lot of unpleasant things. Bottom line, he wanted to know how you felt about family visits within the week."

"Rory wants to come?" she asked warily.

"More like he wants to see how you're doing. And meet Mattie over here," he added, softly caressing her stomach.

"I…" He could see Addison was having a hard time voicing her thoughts, so he decided to give her some help.

"Are you ready to see him? I told him I thought it could be too much at the moment…you can guess how that went down…"

"So you and Rory fought, I figured as much. I love him, Derek. He's my big brother and I love him but…I'm just not ready to let him take care of me yet. Because if I let him, I'll break, you know? And I can't break. Not yet." She whispered the last part.

"Do you want me to call him back?"

"No, that would probably end badly. I'll call Rory and let him know I appreciate his worry but that I'm not ready for big emotional visits yet. Thank you, though, for talking with him. He'll never admit it, but I'm sure he appreciated you taking the time to keep him posted."

"Oh yeah, right, he loves me."

"Shut up!" she laughed as she jokingly shoved him in the shoulder, "He's my brother!"

"Yeah, well, your brother is a pain!" he answered in kind, laughing.

"Shut up!" she said again.

"Hi, guys." Meredith Grey's voice interrupted their banter. The three of them stared at each other uncomfortably for a few moments. Derek figured this was a good sample of things to come between them. Awkwardness.

"Hey, sweetheart." he managed to say, giving Meredith a peck on the cheek. She accepted it with a smile before pulling away.

"So, what's up?"

"Actually," Derek was relieved when Addison took over; he was running out of ideas for the day. "I was just saying good night. Miranda is waiting for me at Joe's, and I'm pretty sure my ten minutes are up. See you guys tomorrow?"

"Sure. Good night, Addie." Derek smiled.

"Good night, Addison." Meredith said, placing her hand in Derek's. As Addison went to meet her friend at the bar, he stood there with Meredith, wishing that all the pieces of his life would fall back into place magically.

"This is not going to be easy," Meredith commented, turning to face him.

"No, but we'll be okay."

"Good."

"Good." He smiled back at her.

"So, you any good with kids?" she asked teasingly.

"I'm great with kids. My nephews and nieces love me."

"What's not to love?"

"Exactly," he answered, smiling.

"You are a good uncle to them; you're going to be a great uncle to Addison's baby."

"That's what I'm hoping."

"Maybe that's a good thing." She smiled lovingly at him. "Then I'll see how great you'll be with our kids." Meredith kissed him on the cheek and started towards his car, never noticing the look on his face.

He knew it wasn't fair and that it wasn't her fault; she didn't know. But still, the comment had felt like a slap in the face.

"_Derek, please calm down!" Addison was crying, trying to get him to stop throwing things at the wall. So far, her favorite vase, most of their music collection, and their medical journals had taken the brunt of his rage. Still, he was nowhere near ready to stop, even though he knew he was scaring his wife of three years._

"_It's just not fucking fair!" he screamed, this time throwing a lamp at the wall, not listening as Addison yelled in fear._

"_I know! I know! But please, Derek, you have to stop!"_

"_Why?!" he asked, tears streaming down his face as he stood in the middle of the room, seeing nothing, not daring to look into Addison's eyes._

"_Because… because… you're scaring me, Derek. Please stop?" she asked in a small voice, breaking his heart. He loved her with all his heart, and all he was doing was scaring her, hurting her, and he couldn't seem to find a way to stop._

"_Okay," he whispered. "Okay."_

_They stood there in silence. All that could be heard were Addison's slowing sobs and her deep, shaky breaths as she tried to calm herself down. At that point, Derek wasn't even sure he was breathing anymore._

"_What now?" she asked a few minutes later. Derek could still hear the fear present in her voice. He laughed bitterly at her question, having no idea how to answer it. There was nothing they could do; there was no way to fix what was wrong, so why bother? What now? Nothing._

_Nothing at all._

"_Damned if I know. I need a beer." Derek walked slowly to the kitchen, Addison following him, without making any noise. He offered a bottle, but she refused, settling for hugging herself, tears still streaming down her face. She walked slowly to one of the stools and sat down, her arms still around her body protectively. Derek slid down onto their kitchen floor, nursing his beer. Never had a silence between them felt this painful, and Derek knew it was mostly because of him, but he had never been good dealing with crisis. His first reaction would have been to run away, but right no, there was no place he could run where he would be able to hide from himself._

"_I love you, Derek. I need you to know that I love you," Addison whispered, finally facing her husband, who was still looking away._

"_I know. I love you too, Addie. But that doesn't seem to be helping us at all right now."_

_Silence again. He just hated the silence._

"_There are other ways, Derek. There are other things we could try…"_

"_Stop it…"_

"_We could adopt…"_

"_Stop, please."_

"_Or we could seek some treatment, do some research…"_

"_Addison…"_

"_There are other ways to start a family…"_

"_STOP!" He hadn't meant to scream at her. He didn't even mean to throw his beer at the wall, continuing his path toward the destruction of their home. He just couldn't listen anymore, he couldn't listen to her list of 'things they could do,' when the simple and painful truth was that they would never be able to have a child together, no matter how much both of them wanted to._

"_I'm sorry," She whispered._

"_Me too. I'm so sorry, Addison." He couldn't help the tears that came streaming down his cheeks._

"_We're still Addison and Derek. We still love each other. We'll make it through this, Derek. We always do."_

"_It's just not fair."_

"_I know."_

"_Guys?" Mark's voice came through the living room. Both of them had forgotten that they had made plans with him for the evening. "Addie? Derek? Are you guys in here?!" he asked, his voice sounding a little more desperate. Clearly, he had stepped through the chaos that was their living room and was wondering about the well-being of his best friends. Still, neither of them had the strength or the heart to call out to him and let him know that they were both fine._

_At least, physically._

"_Derek?! Addison?!" Finally, Mark stumbled into their kitchen, "Damn it, what the hell happened to your place? And why didn't you answer? I was…" Mark trailed off and Derek guessed that he was just noticing their expressions._

_They had being watching a movie when they got the call. He had been in a pair of jeans and an old sweatshirt he liked to wear whenever he and Mark went jogging. Addison had just gotten out of the bathtub, and she had opted for one of Derek's t-shirts instead of her bathrobe. Derek had convinced her to lie in the couch with him to watch some awful horror movie, and they had being having fun, as a couple, just hanging out together._

_Then, they had gotten the call._

"_What's going on?" Mark's voice interrupted Derek's thoughts. His best friend was standing by his wife's side, noticing the tears pooling again in her eyes. Mark had always acted the part of a jerk, and though he loved tormenting Addison, Derek knew he secretly loved the new addition to their little duo. Addison and Mark played off each other's qualities in the same way that Derek and Mark did, and if nothing else, there was nothing Mark liked more than a girl with spunk. Now, Mark was slowly rubbing circles on Addison's back with one hand, the other pushing strands of red hair behind her ears. "Derek?"_

"_Go away, Mark." He felt guilty at the flash of hurt that crossed Mark's eyes, but at this point he wasn't ready to face his best friend._

"_No. I'm not going anywhere until one of you tells me what the hell is going on. This place looks like a hurricane came through. You're crying, Derek! Addie is crying! What on earth happened here?" Derek heard Addison choke as her tears began to fall faster. She tried to move past Mark, but he wouldn't let her. He had always been good at knowing when not to leave Addison alone, so he held onto her as she tried and failed to fight him off. Finally, she took another unsteady breath fell into his arms, crying quietly. "Derek?" Mark asked again, pleading with his brother-in-spirit to tell him what had reduced his favorite couple to this state._

"_Fine. Remember the tests we took?" Derek waited for Mark to remember the tests he was talking about. "Well, Doctor Hanson called with the results today." He could read the realization in Mark's eyes, finally understanding what had happened. Derek didn't even tried to fight the tears this time as he finished his sentence, "Turns out, you're not going to get to be an uncle after all."_

_That was it._

_He had finally said it._

_He and Addison would never be able to have kids, at least not together._

_And it was killing him inside._

_Derek looked back to Mark, who was holding even tighter to Addison, tears forming in his eyes as well. Mark knew how much he and Addie had wanted to have a baby. They had being trying for over a year now, and when nothing happened, they had started to wonder if maybe something was wrong. At first, they couldn't believe that something could be really wrong, but they had done the responsible thing and taken the tests anyway. They were doctors, after all! This is what they had to do in a situation like this._

_And as it turns out, there had been a reason they hadn't managed to get pregnant._

"_Man, I'm sorry," Mark whispered, looking straight at Derek, who just nodded, knowing his heartache was sincere. "Add?" he managed to make Addison lift her eyes and face him, "Honey, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."_

"_We know," Derek answered. They were all sorry, but that didn't change the facts._

"_And there is nothing…" Mark began to ask, refusing to believe his friends were really going through this._

"_No. There's nothing to do, Mark," Derek answered solemnly, taking a steady breath to say what he had not wanted to admit at all. "I'm infertile."_


	8. Chapter 8

I'm trying to be a nice updater, so here's the next chapter.

Still not mine. Unless Shonda wants to give them to me? Pretty please?

Chapter VIII

Addison walked purposefully through the halls of Seattle Grace. Just by watching her, nobody would have even imagined she was anything but composed and serene, when in fact she felt a whirlwind going through her head. Today she was having her twelve-week check up, which meant she would get to see her baby on an ultrasound. She was really excited about it, but at moments like this it was even harder to avoid thinking about Mark.

So far, she had being doing well. She had started making arrangements for the baby. The logical part of her brain told her that the safe thing was to wait until after her first trimester was over, but she couldn't think like that. She had to believe that her baby would be delivered safely into her arms and that it was impossible that something bad could actually happen, because after losing Mark, the only thing that was keeping her alive was the idea of becoming a mother. So, she was already buying some toys and baby clothes, and her friends had taken to present her with stuffed animals too, claiming that Matt would need tones of them to keep him company.

She had also started working in the nursery.

Well, truth be told, she had not being actually 'allowed' to work on it, although she had final editing rights. Derek insisted that lifting her fingers counted as over-exerting, even though she had countered that he was in blatant violation of Rule The Second. So, Derek had taken it upon himself to sit with Addison and design the perfect nursery for Matt.

Derek… that was an issue all by itself. As he promised, Meredith had remained in the known of all their activities together, and the younger woman was slightly easing into the idea of sharing Derek with her. Still, Addison kept doing her best not to get in the middle of their relationship. And Derek had being amazing these last couple of weeks. He was sweet and caring, he made it a point to get her ginger-ale and crackers in the morning and to pester her throughout the day to make sure she was eating and resting. Whenever he noticed she was exhausted, he dragged her to one of the on-call rooms and started telling her all the things he was planning to do with Matt once he was born: taking him fishing (which she had obviously objected), taking him to hockey games, to visit the Space Needle, to meet the Shepherd Clan back at New York… and in the middle of his stories for the future, Addison would usually fall asleep, her head on his lap, dreaming about Matt and relishing in the fact that there was someone in the world that would love her baby as much as she did.

Right now she was heading to Derek's office. He had asked her if he could tag along to her doctor's appointment that afternoon. She had being reluctant at first, not because she didn't want him to, she loved that he offered. But she was worried maybe that wouldn't go down well with Meredith. Still, Derek had assured her that Meredith was okay with it, and that even though Addison may not want him there, he was just worried about her going by herself. He came as far as offering not to go if she would ask Miranda or Callie to accompany her. Addison had ended up accepting Derek's offer to come with, truth be told she wanted Derek there. She smoothed her hair out of the way as she cornered around his office and knocked on the door. Instantly, Derek looked up at her and smiled contentedly.

"Hey Addie, how are you doing?"

"Fine." She smiled while she answered, sliding into a chair in front of her desk.

"Really? Here I thought you would be a nervous break, considering we have a doctor's appointment in less than forty minutes."

"Why would I be? I know my kid is gonna come through with flying colors." She pretended to be calm enough when in all fairness she was rather petrified by the whole thing.

"Oh, I know he will. I'm just saying, I figured you would be nervous anyway." He answered, clearly seeing through her façade.

"Maybe I am. Okay, I'm so nervous." Addison sighed, slumping farther into the chair, covering her still flat stomach with one of her hands and rubbing her eyes with the other. She heard Derek's laughter and felt his footsteps until he was crouching in front of her, taking her hand that had being covering her eyes in his own.

"I won't even waste time asking you not to be. Just, breathe through, okay? Matt is doing fine, and he will continue to do fine. As long as you keep taking good care of yourself the baby's going to remain happy and healthy, alright?"

"I'm freaking out, aren't I?"

"Of course you are. But I was kinda expecting that, so don't worry about it." He took her hand and guided her to his couch. He sat down first, pulling on her hand so that she could fall into his arms. Addison sighed in contentment, her head lying on his shoulder, his arm around her shoulder and drawing circles in her stomach.

"That tickles." She laughed as he kept caressing her belly.

"Does not."

"Does too."

"Shut up, I'm saying good-morning to Matt."

"He says hi too." She laughed again and Derek stopped the movement of his hand, still covering her abdomen, though.

"See? I told you I was going to be his favorite uncle!" Addison laughed, thanking heavens again that she had Derek by her side. She had been fidgeting in her office for the better part of an hour after giving in and looking for Derek to keep her sane until it was time for their appointment.

"Which reminds me, I finally talked to Rory."

"Okay." Addison had tensed in his arms and Derek knew what was coming.

"He's in Manhattan right now, got a place even."

"Okay."

"He asked me to move in with him. He wants to help me out with the baby." She finally confessed. Derek closed his eyes. He knew Roan had been thinking about that since Mark's death. He knew it would be a good thing in the long run for Addison, considering that Roan would always be her brother and Matt's uncle, while he was her ex-husband and a touchy subject in her life at best. Still, he didn't want Addison to go. She was a part of his life, and now so was Matt. He knew he could be there for them as much as Roan, he was doing his best and he loved them both. He didn't want them gone from his life.

"Really?" he managed to ask, closing his eyes.

"Yeah. We talked, you know? He's worried about me, obviously. And he pointed out that Matt would need a father figure and he was my brother, and he wants to do it. He wants to be there for me. For us." Addison had instinctively covered her stomach again as she talked about her son. She knew what Derek was thinking, he was wondering what she had answered her brother. For a second, she tried to figure out again what would be the smartest thing to do. Probably moving back to New York with her brother. Still…

"Okay. So… are you going to…?"

"No." she answered softly and she could feel Derek's chest give in as he finally released the breath he had been holding the whole time. She smiled, knowing that she had made the right decision in not moving away, "I told him I would keep it in mind. But for right now, I think I can manage. I have a home here, a good job, great friends and I… I have you. We have you." The smile on Derek's face could've lighted up the room and she felt like she could breathe again after talking to him.

"Good." He laughed nervously and Addison couldn't help for a moment remembering that nervous smile the day he had proposed, "I know… I know he's your brother, and that he loves you and all but… I'm just glad you're not leaving."

"I'm glad I'm not leaving, too."

"And I'm really here for you and Matt, you know that, right? I'm ready to be here for you guys."

"I know you are, Derek." They fell into an amicable silence for a few minutes. Derek's presence was making it easier on Addison to wait for the time to pass. She didn't want to admit it yet, but she was glad she was not alone in this.

"Hey…" Derek's voice brought her back to the present and she could hear the mischievousness in his soft voice, "are we going to… like, see the sex today?"

"I don't know… maybe. Usually in the twelfth week the sex is defined, so it could be a little early. But maybe we'll get lucky."

"I was just thinking… what if it's a girl?"

"What?" Addison asked, laughing. All this time, she had just assumed her baby was a boy. Mark had wanted a boy. The subject of a girl had not being brought up at all since that night a lifetime ago when she and Mark named their child.

"Yeah." Derek continued, "I thought it would be funny, if you're having a girl and you keep calling her 'Matt'."

"_Don't you like Matthew? Come on, it's cute! Baby Matthew? Matt? Mattie? How can you not like Mattie?"_

Addison was having a hard time listening to Derek as memories of Mark laying in bed with her raced through her mind; he had been so attached to the name…

"I mean…" Derek continued, unaware of Addison's memories, "What are you going to name the baby if it's a girl? Mattie?"

"Kathleen…" Addison whispered, unable to even face Derek. She could feel the tears pooling in her eyes. Matt and Katie… they had settled on Matt and Katie, "If we had a girl we would've named her Kathleen, called her Katie." Addison was shaking quietly, staring at some random spot on Derek's office wall. Derek must have realized that he had made a clear miscalculation, because she felt his arms tighten around her.

"Addie… honey?" she was not answering, she could not answer, "Addison. I'm sorry, it's okay. I'm sure it's a boy, so we're good with Matthew. Addie?" Addison closed her eyes, resisting the urge to cry with all her might, "Addison!" Derek finally managed to break her out of her trance. She was now facing him and she could see the worry evident in his features.

"Derek?"

"I'm sorry, Addie. I didn't mean to upset you… I was just trying to take your mind of your appointment. I'm sorry, sweetie, I'm really really sorry." He hugged her to him and she allowed herself to rest against his chest again.

"It's okay." She whispered, "I'm okay. You didn't know." She pulled apart and met his eyes, giving him her best attempt at a smile, "Mark and I named the baby. He picked Matthew, that's why I call the baby Matt." She smiled again, this time more sincere, "Since he picked the boy name, I picked the girl name, and we settled on Kathleen."

"It's a beautiful name." he commented.

"Thanks." She whispered.

"I… I'm sorry I brought it up." She could read the guilt in his face.

"It's okay Derek, really. It's actually a good memory."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry I freaked you out."

"That's okay." They remained in silence for a few minutes, each one with a far away look on their face.

"Fifteen minutes till your appointment." He offered.

"Yeah."

Silence again.

"Derek?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you… for making me remember and… talk. About Mark."

"You're welcome, Addie." She smiled as he resumed their original position and laid her on his chest. For the moment, at least, she felt contented.

"What do you mean he freaked out?" Cristina Yang asked her best friend while they tried to catch some rest in one of the on-call rooms.

"I mean he freaked out. He asked me a couple of times if I really wanted kids. Then he got really really quiet and kinda creepy. I don't know what happened." Meredith complained, covering her eyes with an arm as she laid on one of the beds. Cristina was laying in the top bunker.

"Maybe he felt the pressure, you know? His girlfriend starts asking about kids an stuff, he starts to choke up."

"Derek's not like that." She insisted, "And I was actually trying to be understanding. You know, since he's going to be off playing daddy to Addison's kid."

"Maybe he feels one kid is enough for him to handle then." Meredith kicked Cristina's bed, "What?!"

"I don't understand. He has all this nephews and nieces and he really likes kids. I'm not saying let's have a baby tomorrow, I just thought I would let him know that if he wanted kids at some point…"

"Yeah, yeah. What a guy hears? Pressure. It's genetic."

"I'm not pressuring him! I haven't even…" Meredith felt silent, not wanting to end her sentence.

"You haven't even what, Meredith?" Cristina asked, her curiosity piqued.

"Nothing." Meredith knew her friend was not going to let that go. Cristina was tempted to let it go, she had a long day ahead of her and she was on-call for the night. But she was supposed to be Meredith's best friend, and best friends were supposed to keep nagging each other until they got to the true.

_That's why I never had a best friend before, it's too much work!_ She thought, but decided to play the good friend for the time being.

"Come on, Meredith. You started this. You clearly want to say something, so just go right ahead."

"I haven't…" Cristina knew that although Meredith was hesitating, she would end up telling her. Her friend was never that good at keeping things to herself and she was probably dying to have someone to talk about this with, and apparently Derek couldn't be it, "I haven't even asked him why… why he has not asked me to marry him yet."

There. Meredith had finally said it and now silence hanged in the room. Truth be told, Cristina couldn't understand why Meredith was complaining about this particular topic. Her relationship with Burke was as strong as ever and her greatest fear was that Burke would get it into his mind to propose to her or something.

Still… she was Cristina. Meredith was a whole different story.

"Okay… so you want McDreamy to propose."

"No. Yes. I don't know! I guess I'm just wondering why he hasn't yet. We've being together for over a year and a half… I mean… even Addison and Mark got married!"

"We're surgeons. We're young Meredith, we're barely kicking off our careers. Do you actually want to get married? Right now?"

"I didn't say that!"

"Look, we're residents. We're finally not the bottom of the surgical food chain! We should work our asses off right now so we can be the next best thing. Montgomery and Sloan got married when they were already heads of their departments."

"That's not the point."

"The point is that Derek hasn't asked."

"The point is that Derek hasn't asked." Meredith repeated. Cristina just shook her head.

"If this is such an issue for you, shouldn't you like, ask him why?"

"I can't. If I do, it's like I'm pressuring him."

"And asking him about kids is not pressuring him?"

"I didn't…! I already told you! I never meant to pressure him. I was trying to be supportive of his choice to help out Addison. That's all. I'm not ready to have kids right now either."

"Fine. Then tell him that and asked him why he freaked out. Simple as that."

"Right." Meredith answered unconvincingly.

"Look, Mer," Cristina took a deep breath, now she was more than ready to get some sleep, "you're clearly upset about him and Addison. That's okay. You get to be upset about this, but it's not like Addison is the reason he hasn't proposed yet. I mean, the woman got married to another guy, she got pregnant by another guy, clearly she has moved on."

"I know she has. I don't resent her… I'm just…"

"You're mad at Derek." Cristina concluded.

"Yeah. I think I am." Meredith finally admitted.

"Then you need to set his McDreamy ass straight. Talk to him. Kick him out. Do something! And now, let me sleep!" with that, Cristina turned over, closing her eyes and hugging a pillow.

"Cristina?" Meredith whispered. Cristina sighed again.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

"That's okay." She answered, proud at herself for being such a good friend.

At that point, both their pagers went off.

"911." Announced Meredith as she stood up.

"Great. Just great." Cristina muttered, following Meredith to the door, "That's why I don't do 'nice'."

"What have we got?" Miranda Bailey asked in her nonsense voice as she put on a pair of surgical gloves. She made sure her five suck-ups were already in position by her side, having all five of them responded their pagers. They may already be residents, but to her, they would always be her suck-ups. Not group had ever challenged her as a teacher as much as the young doctors in front of her.

"Seventeen-year-old male with a gunshot through the abdomen!" the first paramedic started, wheeling in the first patient.

"Stevens! Grey!" she commanded as the young doctors went to care for their first patient.

"Sixteen-year-old female with stab wound in the chest, face and arms. One of the stabs punctured the lung, we had to tube her in the rig." The second paramedic stated, O'Malley and Yang promptly fighting over who would get the patient. Bailey shook her head, some things never changed.

"What the hell happened here?" Alex Karev stood by her side, watching as the next teenager was wheeled in, this time with a gunshot through the head.

"Stupidity happened."

"Seems like a gang fight." One of the paramedics offered, "We have three more kids coming in."

"Great." Bailey muttered, "That one is going to need a Neuro consult, page Shepherd." She said to one of the passing nurses who nodded in confirmation.

"One of the kids was stabbed all over the face." The paramedic continued, "She's going to need some major work, but at least is alert."

"Alex?" Bailey motioned for the young plastic surgeon to take over the case, "Time to see what you picked from Sloan." Alex just nodded and walked out of the hospital to find his newest patient, "This is going to be a long day…" Bailey muttered to herself, walking to take over the care of one of the incoming patients.

"Feeling ready for this?" Derek asked as he nudged Addison in the arm, looking at the clock. Addison's appointment was in fice minutes. They had spent the time quietly conversing about everything they could think about, anything to keep Addison in good spirits.

"I guess so." She answered, smiling nervously at him. Derek knew she was going to be okay, she and the baby just had to be okay. Anything else would be unfair.

He had a hard time still working through his brain the fact that Addison was pregnant. It made him really happy to see one of her dreams come true; Addison loved babies, she was so good with them, and children just loved her, if their nieces and nephews were any indication. If someone in the world was meant to be a mother, it was Addison. It had pained him so much to be unable to give her something as simple as that. He was a man, he was her husband, he was supposed to be able to give his wife a baby. But that had been impossible for them, at least as a couple.

Addison had been so worried the day she had walked up to him to tell him she and Mark were having a baby together. Part of his heart had been broken, even though he had made his best to cover it up and be happy for her. He couldn't help it as his mind wondered to that awful night when he had found out he couldn't have children.

"_I gave Addison something to help her sleep." Mark commented as he made his way down the stairs. Derek just nodded, still slumped in the floor of his kitchen._

"_Is she okay?" he managed to ask. He had not meant to scare Addison this much, but he was having such a hard time processing all he had learned tonight. He didn't even avert his gaze when he felt his best friend move across the room and sit by his side in the floor._

"_She will be." Mark answered._

"_I shouldn't have done this. I shouldn't have scared her like this…"_

"_She understands Derek."_

"_No… it's not okay. I'm her husband. I'm supposed to protect her, not…"_

"_Stop man, she's not mad at you at all."_

"_Well, she should be!" Derek was screaming again, he just couldn't get a hold of his emotions today._

"_Derek…"_

"_She should be! She didn't ask for this! She shouldn't have to deal with this!"_

"_She's your wife, she loves you…"_

"_So what?! She loves me! I love her! I'm still hurting her!"_

"_At this point, man, I think you're hurting yourself more than you're hurting Add." Derek just shook his head and laid it on top of his knees, feeling the tears streaming down his face again. If this was anyone else but Mark, he would be petrified that he actually kept crying in front of another man._

"_It's not fair Mark." He whimpered._

"_No, it's not. I'm sorry."_

"_I know. I know. I just… I wish I knew how to deal with this."_

"_You mean ,besides trashing your place?" Mark attempted to make him laughed, and Derek complied more for his friend's comfort than his own._

"_She wants a baby, Mark." He finally confessed._

"_She wants you more."_

"_She can have kids. She should be able to have a baby. Come on, Mark, you know it. Addison and a child, that's just meant to be. I'm standing in her way."_

"_You are the love of her life. She's not mad, she's not disappointed. She's worried about you."_

"_If she hadn't married me, she would already have a kid of her own. You realize that? I'm the reason she's never going to be a mother."_

"_Derek…"_

"_And please, don't tell me there are 'other ways'." Derek shook his head, laying it flat against the wall, "I know we could adopt. But I'm not that much of a good person. I can't… I don't think I can do it. I don't think I can actually see another kid and not think about the fact that I was unable to give a baby to my wife."_

"_You may grow to love another kid, even if it's not really yours."_

"_Addison deserves to have a child that is part her."_

"_Have you considered…?"_

"_Insemination? I have. I'm still too selfish, though." Derek started to get concerned, "Did Addison mention…?"_

"_All Addison said to me, is that she loves you, that she doesn't care if you don't ever have kids and that all she wants is to be your wife."_

"_Really?" Derek asked softly, his heart breaking of love for his wife._

"_Yeah. You'll get past this, Derek. You can't see this now, but you guys will be okay."_

"_I just don't see how, right now."_

"_I know. Just… go one day at a time."_

"_Seriously? One day at a time? That's your advice? It's kinda sappy."_

"_I'm trying here, okay?"_

"_Okay." They remained in silence for a few minutes. Derek couldn't even begin to tell Mark how grateful he was to have his brother sitting by his side as he mourned the children he would never have._

"_My greatest fear," Derek started after about ten minutes, ready to get it all off his chest, "is that one day she's going to regret marrying me. That she'll resent the fact that she didn't become a mother because of me, because I was damaged…"_

"_You're not damaged, Derek."_

"… _because I couldn't give her a baby." Derek continued, ignoring Mark, "Or that I'm going to grow bitter and take it out on her."_

"_Never could happen, that woman is your life."_

"_She deserves better, Mark."_

"_She wants you and only you." Derek smiled, trying to believe his friend's words, "It doesn't get much better than that."_

"_I'm never going to be a father." Derek finally muttered._

"_No, you're not." Mark conceded softly._

"_I wanted to be a father."_

"_I know, man. But you have a lot of good things in your life. The great family, the awesome career, the hot-redhead wife. You'll be okay."_

"_I guess." They fell in silence once again, not knowing what else to say, "Mark?" Derek finally asked._

"_Yeah?"_

"_Any kid you have, I get to be godfather."_

"_Who else, dude?" Mark answered, chuckling softly._

_They remained in the floor, sitting in silence, for the rest of the night._

Derek had to smile at himself. Maybe Mark was actually fulfilling his promise. He was letting Derek be a part of his son's life, and even though it had pained him deeply, Derek was glad that after everything Addie was going to get to be a mother. That was thanks to Mark, too. But it didn't matter anymore, all that he cared about was that there was a baby that would be Addison's that Mark had helped create, and that he would get to be a part of his life.

And he got to be again a part of Addison's. He couldn't even begin to describe how that felt to him. Addison was here in his arms, she was allowing him to take care of her and he was loving every single minute. After over ten years of marriage, protecting Addison was first nature to him, even if he had forgotten it for a while.

Right now, everything in the universe just felt so right.

Even if it was just in apprearance.

Even if he hadn't manned up enough to tell Meredith he couldn't have kids.

Even if Addison hadn't allowed herself to mourn for her husband.

Even if Mark was dead.

For a minute, if he didn't think too hard about any of it and just believe in appearances, everything was right.

"Should we get going?" Addison's shaky voice made he come back to the present. Right now he had a gorgeous pregnant woman who he had to take to her twelfth week prenatal appointment.

"Yeah. Sure, baby, let's go." He offered his hand and she took it smiling.

"It's gonna be fine, righ?"

"It's gonna be perfect. After this, I'm taking you and Matt to dinner to celebrate the fact that he's just perfect."

"Thank you." Her smile got even wider and he felt his stomach do a flip-flop. In the back of his mind, he knew his stomach shouldn't be flip-flopping for his ex-wife, but he couldn't even try to convince himself to care.

"You have nothing to thank me about."

"Yes I do. Thank you for coming, and for being here for me and Matt. We both really appreciate."

"Let's go see how this little one is doing." He smiled again and pulled on her hand as they started the way to her OB/GYN. The moment they stepped out of his office, Derek's pager went of.

"What?" Addison asked as he looked at his pager.

"911, it's the ER." He muttered. Addison's pager went off again.

"Same." She commented.

"Damn." They both rushed to the ER, knowing that if they both were being called something had to be seriously wrong.

"The ER must be in full swing." Addison commented as they rode the elevator together, "If they're calling me for a general 911, they must need all the hands available on this."

"Yeah." He caressed her cheek, "We'll just see how crowded it is, if they don't need us anymore, we'll make it to your appointment." She smiled at him and he just stared at her until the elevator door opened.

"Damn." Addison repeated his earlier comment as they saw the ER buzzing into action. Almost every surgeon on call was in there, Miranda Bailey barking orders all around.

"No!! No!!" an anguished cry got their attention. They both made their way promptly towards Izzie Stevens, who was crying in hysterics. George O'Malley was holding her tightly against his chest even while she tried to fight off his hold.

"Izzie? Izzie!" Addison tried to get her attention, but to not avail. She tried to get closer to the intern, but Derek stepped in her way.

"She's in shock, she could hurt you." Derek offered as explanation as he went to help George contain the young doctor.

"What the hell happened?!" Addison yelled, unable to do much except watch her young protégé as she tried to fight Derek and George's arms.

"It's Alex!" George finally answered, "Someone stabbed Alex!"


	9. Chapter 9

DISCLAIMER: Nothing's mine. Don't you all just love saying that? With no further delay, this is Chapter the Ninth. Enjoy

A

Chapter IX

Miranda Bailey was having a horrible day.

She had known it was going to be a bad day when her clock alarm had failed to go off, when her husband had presented her with the worst cup of coffee ever for breakfast, and when she found out that her son had retrieved her lipstick from her purse and had proceeded to draw her his best painting so far on her bathroom wall.

Compared to what was happening around her right now, though, her morning had been great.

It was bad enough to have to watch as the paramedics brought children, into the ER after a gang fight. She had to face the fact that some of these kids would probably not make it through the day because they had engaged in an act of violence that had no reasonable explanation. She had to try her best and work to save as many of them as she could, and then they would probably go back to the streets and try to kill each other again.

And that wasn't even the worse of it.

She had sent resident Alex Karev to receive one of the rigs, bearing a sixteen- year-old girl with multiple stab wounds to the face. He was just doing his job, trying to save a life, when one of the young gangsters had come to finish the job. Alex tried to fight him, which wasn't that hard, considering Karev was an ex-wrestler. Sadly, he never saw the second kid, coming towards him with a knife.

Bailey was working her hardest to contain Alex's bleeding; he had been stabbed three times in the back, and it was becoming increasingly apparent that there was a lot of internal damage.

Chief Webber himself had joined her, working on the now-unconscious young doctor. Alex Karev was one of their own, and they would do their best to keep him alive.

All Bailey could was pray that their best would be enough.

A

Addison stood by the doorway, watching Izzie Stevens sobbing quietly. George O'Malley was still holding her. Derek had had to attend to one of the kids, but given the situation, O'Malley had been allowed to stay with his shocked friend. After making sure none of the girls were pregnant and assuring herself that all the incoming patients were being taken care of, Addison had also opted to stay with Izzie.

She was aware of the long on-again, off-again relationship between Izzie and Alex Karev. She couldn't help but draw the parallels between the young doctors and her own life…sometimes Karev was so much like Mark that it scared her. He was brash and opinionated, and usually he came on a little too strong and seemed rude, but in truth he was quite compassionate. He was simply driven and knew what he wanted, just like Mark had.

And just as Mark had done to her, Alex had hurt Izzie more times than he cared to count, Addison was sure of that. Neither Mark nor Alex had had the benefit of a normal family environment; they didn't know how to be any better than they were for a long time. But she had seen Karev, as Mark before him, try to rectify the situation. And in the last months, he and Izzie had been inseparable.

Addison could see herself quite clearly in Izzie, too. She was a wonderful doctor and a good person, but Izzie tended to get too involved with her patients. She wanted to help and she truly did care, more so than was acceptable for a surgeon. Addison wanted to believe that through her years as a physician and more scolding from Richard that she wanted to remember she had gotten over her weaknesses.

But she knew better.

She still got too involved; she had simply learned to hide it better from her mentor.

But she _had_ learned something, and she constantly had to remind herself that there was a line she couldn't cross. And she had done her best to teach Izzie where that line was, and that she could be a better surgeon without becoming any less of a person.

Seeing Izzie and Alex together, she couldn't help but think about herself and her husband, and she had wished the young couple the same happiness she had found with Mark.

And now, after becoming the man he had never imagined he could become, Alex Karev had been stabbed…

"_Hey, Joe? Can I have another ginger ale?" Addison asked, motioning for the bartender's attention._

_"Sure, sweetheart." Joe smiled before placing another glass in front of the queasy-looking doctor. "Are you all right?"_

_"No," she answered pitifully, closing her eyes and exhaling before taking a sip from her drink._

_"Baby giving you grief?"_

_"Baby's so grounded after he's born, that's all I know," she muttered._

_"Do you want me to call you a cab?" Joe offered._

_"No, that's okay. Mark's on his way." She smiled a little to put Joe at ease. He smiled at her again before leaving. She stayed in her chair nursing her gingerale, wondering what was taking her husband so long. She was tired, she felt nauseous, and she wanted to go home! "I need some air…" she whispered, paying for her drinks. She walked slowly to the front door and walked through it, just in time to see an erratic car running over her husband before crushing him to the nearest wall._

"Izzie, you gotta calm down. Alex is going to be okay, you'll see." O'Malley was trying his best to soothe the blonde doctor. "The Chief and Bailey are in there with him now, okay? They're the best; Alex is going to be fine."

"How, George? How can he be fine, George?! HOW?!!! SOMEONE STABBED HIM!!! Oh, God…" Stevens continued crying, this time fighting off George's arms. He let her go, and she moved away from him a little, hugging her knees to herself.

"Izzie, try to breathe…" Addison whispered, faintly remembering Derek telling her the same thing right after the accident…

"I can't…" Stevens continued to cry.

"You have to," Addison insisted.

"I just… I just… don't understand!" Izzie whimpered, "He was fine one minute. and the next he's lying on the floor…!"

"_Addison!" she heard someone calling her name, but she couldn't quite understand it. All she could concentrate on was the fact that her husband was lying unconscious in the remains that were left of the car that had run him over. She rushed to him, fighting through the crowd that had already begun to form around the accident._

_"Mark! Mark!" she screamed, knowing that he was not going to answer. Still, it somehow made her feel better to be able to scream. Richard Webber reached her husband first and immediately started to bark orders. Addison tried desperately to throw herself at her husband's body, but she felt someone stopping her._

"_Addison, calm down!" She heard the ridiculous command and wanted to laugh. How the hell could she calm down when her husband was bleeding out in front of her?_

"_Let me go, Derek!" she yelled, trying to break free from his arms, "Mark!"_

"_Addie, you need to stop fighting me."_

"_Then let me go! Oh, God, Mark! Mark!"_

"_Addison!"_

"_Derek!" Preston Burke came running towards them, stopping at the sight of Mark Sloan on the ground bleeding. Webber was already in the process of transferring Mark to a gurney, and Burke's distraction was all Addison needed to finally break Derek's embrace and run to her husband._

_He was bleeding, badly. He had cuts all over his handsome face that he would hate to let any surgeon but himself fix, she thought. Both of his arms looked broken, and he was getting increasingly pale. She couldn't feel him breathing at all._

"_Oh my God… Mark…" she whispered, brushing her hand softly over his forehead. He felt so cold. In the background she could hear Derek and Preston talking, something about the driver needing Derek's help._

_The driver who had run over her husband._

_Surgeon Addison Montgomety-Sloan was embarrassed that the thought that the driver deserved to die even crossed her mind. Addison Montgomery-Sloan, woman, wife, and mother-to-be, was about ready to go and finish the job herself._

"_Addie?" Richard's soothing voice called to her, and she felt his hand on her shoulder. Tears were streaming down her face, but she could see her colleagues crowding around her, waiting to take Mark into the hospital._

"_I love you, baby," she whispered, "I love you. I love you. I love you…"_

"_Addie…"_

"_Wake up, honey. Wake up, okay? I wanna go home."_

"_Addison."_

"_I wanna go home. Mark, please…" She was sobbing now, clinging to Mark's hand._

"_Addison, they have to take him to surgery." This time it was Burke talking. She nodded slowly, taking the time to kiss his forehead._

"_Addie…"_

"_You'll be with him, Richard?" she asked, not even turning._

"_I will. I'll do my best, I promise. Okay?"_

"_Okay."_

"_Let's go." Webber nodded to the medical team as Addison finally let go of Mark's hand. She felt Burke take her in his arms the moment her mentor disappeared with her husband. She was so scared…_

"_Come on, let's take you to your office." She nodded, noting Izzie Stevens and Miranda Bailey standing nearby for the first time._

"_I love him," was all she could muster._

"_I know," Burke answered as her friends took her to her office._

"There's nothing to understand," Addison whispered, more to herself than anyone else. Still, she got the blonde doctor's attention, and Addison could feel Izzie's eyes acknowledging for the first time that Addison could understand better than anyone else what she was going through. "There's no reason and it's not fair, "Addison continued, "there's just nothing to understand." George was looking at her as if he didn't quite understand what she was saying. How could he? He had never loved and lost the same way she had. Izzie had gone through it once, with Denny, and now she was praying she wouldn't have to go through it all again.

"It makes no sense," Izzie offered.

"Yeah. But Izzie…" Addison tried to focus on the young intern and try to give her the only advice she could give, "Alex is not dead."

"_You don't have to do this, Addison," Richard Webber said yet again as he walked by her side. She was shaking like a leaf and was afraid she was going to get sick again. Luckily, Richard walked at her right and Derek at her left, with Izzie, Miranda, Callie, and Preston walking behind them. She knew she should be thankful for the amazing support system she had managed to gain in Seattle. However, all she could think at the moment was that she would never be able to breathe again._

"_I do. I have to. I won't believe it unless I do," she answered in a voice she couldn't recognize._

"_Okay. We'll do it together, okay?" She turned to her left as she heard Derek's soft voice, and she was thankful to have his strong hand holding hers._

"But he still could die," Izzie answered, though her tears were finally starting to subside.

"It's a big difference, Izzie. He could die, but he could also live. He still has a chance."

_His body had already been cleaned up. He looked as put-together as he could possibly be after having been run over. Clearly, her colleagues had wanted to make this as easy as possible. She knew they always did this for a patient's family: clean the body before he or she came in to see it. After so many years of practicing medicine, she realized for the first time that cleaning up the body didn't help at all. Sure, she was less likely to be shocked by his appearance than most patients would be, being a surgeon herself. But as clean and peaceful as this body was, it was still her dead husband's._

_Dead._

_Her husband was dead._

_He would never kiss her again, never hold her and tell her that he loved her._

_He would never meet their baby._

"I don't think I can do this. I don't think I can do this again." Izzie had a blank look on her face as she shook her head frantically.

"Izzie…" Addison started. George had long ago given up trying to be a part of the conversation. It was apparent that only Addison could give Izzie the support she needed at the moment.

"No! I can't! I already lost the man I loved! I lost Denny! And Alex… he is nothing like Denny! He's strong and healthy and a surgeon!"

"I know, Izzie."

"I already lost Denny, but Denny was sick! Alex is not… Alex was never like Denny. So… how come? HOW COME I'M LOSING ALEX TOO?!"

_After what had happened with Derek…hell, after what had happened with Mark himself, she had thought she would never be in this position again. She though she was through losing the men she loved. Derek to Meredith, Mark to his bachelordom…and now… now she was alone again._

_She had lost Mark_

_And this time it was for good._

_Mark was dead._

_She walked slowly towards his body, placing her hand on his broad chest, hoping against hope that he would open his eyes._

"_Mark…" she whispered._

"You are not losing him, Izzie. Alex isn't gone yet."

"But he could be!"

"You have to believe it's going to be okay. You have to believe you're strong enough to get through this. Because if you don't believe it…then you won't be able to survive this."

"Survive Alex?"

"No. Survive _for_ Alex." Addison inhaled deeply before continuing. "There's a chance Alex is going to be all right, and you've gotta cling to that hope. And you have to be ready to be there for him. To help him and support him through recovery."

"You really believe he's going to be all right?" Izzie asked, desperation clear in her eyes.

"I do. I believe that he'll fight his best for you, and I believe that whatever happens next, you'll find a way to be okay."

"_Mark," she called again, her hand still on top of his chest. She felt a tear rolling down her cheek, impressive considering that she had being crying hysterically for hours now._

_He was so handsome. He had the most beautiful smile in the world. His huge surgeon hands had always felt so soft on her skin, like he was afraid to break her. His voice was deep, sexy and coming straight from his soul. He was a jerk to the world, and sometimes even to her, but he was amazing. He loved her._

_And God, she loved him so much._

_And he wasn't breathing. His body was cold, and his eyes were closed._

_He was gone._

"_Oh my God, Mark." She lay her head on top of his chest, near her hand. "Baby, I can't believe…I can't believe after everything we went through…this is it, right? This is how it ends." She lifted her head and looked into his face, moving her hand to caress his cheek gently._

"_I hated you," she continued. She knew Derek was in the room, even though trying to give her some space, but she had to say good-bye to her husband and she knew she wasn't going to have another chance. "The first time we met? I hated you. I thought you were Derek's annoying friend. I thought you were too full of yourself. I thought you were egotistical and childish and a man-whore. I thought you were bad news and that any woman stupid enough to fall for you would end up with a broken heart. And I was SO right." She smiled sadly. "You _were_ all of those bad things… I never imagined I would end up falling for those things. And you did break my heart, Mark. You did. But you put it back together and all the things that I hated about you were the things I loved later on. I honestly thought we had at least twenty or thirty years before we had to say good-bye. I don't want to say good-bye. I don't want to be a widow, I want to be your wife." The tears were coming again, but at this point, she was past caring._

"_I have to move on, Mark. I don't want to, but I have to do it. Fast. Because we have a baby on the way. I need to be strong and move on because I have to take care of our baby now. I'm going to do it," she choked while promising him, "I'm going to do it. I love you so much, and right now, our baby is all that I have from you. So I'm going to be okay, because I have to. I'm going to miss you for the rest of my life, Mark. But I'm going to give birth to our baby and raise him or her in a home full of love. And he or she is going to know everything about you. Our child will know you were his daddy and that you loved him. He'll know we picked names and that you bought that insanely huge teddy bear and that you promised to love us until your last breath, and you did. I love you so much, Mark, but I have to let you go now. I can't grieve and I can't be hung up on you anymore, because I'm all our baby has left. But you know how much I love you and you know you'll always be in my head and in my heart, babe. I love you. I love you." Addison continued whispering her love for Mark as she leaned over and planted a soft kiss on his lips. The kiss was sweet and slow and sad. It was their last kiss. Once she was done, she caressed his cheek one last time, smiling at the stubble he always managed to keep. She turned slowly and immediately felt Derek's arms surrounding her. She rested her head on his shoulder._

"_It's okay," she whispered. "I have to be okay. I have to."_

"You'll just find a way to be okay, Izzie. I promise."

"Is that what you're doing?" Izzie finally asked, and the look in her eyes managed to scare even Addison a bit. "You found a way to be okay after Doctor Sloan died?"

"Izzie!" George exclaimed. Addison just looked at the young resident, knowing that the question was not meant to hurt her. It was a desperate question from someone trying not to drown.

"I already had something… I already had a way to be okay," she answered, caressing her abdomen.

"A reason to keep going?" Izzie asked.

"The only reason to keep going."

"What do I have? If I lose Alex, what do I have?"

"You won't…"

"What do I have, Addison?!" Izzie demanded.

"You have Alex. The Alex who was a jerk to the world but a prince to you. The Alex who would hold you and kiss you and be the most important person in your life. The Alex no one else knew. So you have to keep breathing, you have to survive, if only so that the Alex only you knew will still be alive."

"Then why do you never talk about Mark?" The question was simple and fair enough. She knew people noticed that she never talked about Mark, but she was pretty sure none of them knew why. Mark was always in her mind, every second of every day, and she could barely keep it together as it was. She was afraid of what would happen if she actually talked about him.

But maybe everyone was right.

Maybe she was supposed to break down if her husband had died.

"I…"

"I'm sorry…" Izzie started, noticing the stricken look on her mentor's face.

"No. No… you're right. I don't… I don't talk about… him. And what happened. I'm afraid if I do I won't be able to keep going."

"Do you think about him?"

"Always."

"I love Alex."

"I know."

"I want to be able to think about him. To talk about him."

"Then do it. Be strong. If worse comes to worst, you know you're strong enough to do this."

"Yeah, I am."

"Yeah." A look passed between the two women. A look that only could be shared by two people who had loved and lost. Denny Duquette, Mark Sloan…and God help them, maybe Alex Karev. It wasn't fair and it was painful, but at this point both of them knew they could survive. Izzie was strong. She was young; she had the rest of her life ahead of her. As painful as the process had been the first time, she had survived and come back with a vengeance. Addison…Addison knew she wasn't as strong as Izzie. She knew she was only pretending to be okay, when every day she was falling to pieces. The only reason she was still standing was safely nestled in her womb, a child she hoped and prayed would look like her lost love.

For the first time since Mark had died, Addison knew…she just knew. She hadn't moved on. She was not getting over it. She had been too afraid to grieve…and for her sake and her son's, she had to find a way to face the fact that Mark Sloan was gone.

A

"All right, people, let's wrap this up!" Chief Richard Webber announced tiredly. They had been working on Alex Karev for four hours. They were all emotionally drained. Alex was one of them, and there was nothing worse than having a member of their team on the table. They were a family, and Alex was a member of the family, albeit an annoying one.

Going into surgery, Richard couldn't keep his mind off the last time he had had one of his surgeons on the table. He had been terrified. He wasn't yet recovered from the experience of Mark Sloan flatlining on his table…trying to revive him, the nurse calling his name, telling him it was over, calling the time of death, the long walk to Addison's office and later to the morgue… it never got easier. Mark's death had left him shaky and even in his worst nightmares he never imagined a few weeks later he would have another surgeon on his table. Hell, the surgeon was Mark's protégé.

And for a moment, he feared he would have to do the long walk again, this time over to Izzie Stevens.

But Alex was young and strong, and he had pulled through. He was going to have to stay in the hospital as a patient for a while and he had almost flatlined a couple of times…but he was going to be okay.

"Doctor Bailey," he greeted the shorter doctor as he caught up with her in the scrub room, where she was washing her hands.

"Doctor Webber."

"Good work today," he commented, as he started washing his own hands.

"Thank you, sir," she answered wryly. He stared at her, knowing she was having a hard time. These interns–residents now, he had to remind himself–they were Bailey's children. Grey, Yang, Stevens, O'Malley and Karev. She had raised them well; they were good doctors and good human beings. It was never easy to see one of your children on the table. It was unfathomable to be the one operating on them. But he knew there was no way in hell Bailey would have allowed anyone to perform a surgery on Alex Karev without her.

"Are you all right, Doctor Bailey?"

"I… I'm…"

"Don't say you're fine, Miranda. Don't lie to my face."

"It's hard, sir. But Alex is fine; that's what's important."

"Yes. But still…"

"It's hard."

"Yeah. But you did well."

"Thank you, sir."

"Do you want to tell Stevens or should I?"

"I'll go sir." Webber just nodded, watching Bailey leave the room. It wasn't right. Good men, good doctors, shouldn't get stabbed by gangsters that they were trying to help or be run over by teenagers on drugs. It wasn't right.

A

"Addie?" Derek walked over to her as she left Izzie's room. He had been pulled into an emergency surgery, and he'd last seen Addison with O'Malley and Stevens, trying to calm the young doctor down.

"Hey," she answered, and from her tone he could tell she was exhausted. He was worried about her. This couldn't be easy on her; Mark's death was still too recent. But he was a surgeon, which meant he didn't get to be by his ex-wife's side when there was someone who needed brain surgery. Still, he was worried.

"You okay? What happened? Is Karev…?"

"He's going to be fine. Bailey is in there with Izzie. He'll need to stay in the ICU for a while, but he'll pull through."

"Thank God."

"Yeah."

"Yeah." The silence between them was deafening, and he didn't know how to end it. They had been doing great together. They had been happy and friendly, they'd confided in each other… he hated the silence. He didn't want to lose the…friendship…that he and Addison were rebuilding. But he could feel her pulling away from him and he didn't know how to stop her.

"Do you want… do you want to see if your doctor…?"

"No."

"No?"

"No. That's okay. I'll reschedule… I don't want to do it today." Derek couldn't help but flinch at Addison's answer, noticing she was talking in the singular.

"All right… do you want to go to the cafeteria…?"

"Actually, I should check on some patients."

"Addison…"

"I've been so wrapped up with Izzie that I just…"

"Addison…"

"I have work to do, Derek. I'm sorry. I have to go. See you around." With that, she rushed away from him. Derek was left standing in the corridor, staring after her retreating figure.

He was afraid.

He was terrified.

He knew Addison better than she knew herself, and he knew what was going through her mind. Addison was coming unraveled and was pushing him away. He never imagined that she would be able hurt him so much again, that he would feel like he couldn't breathe without her.

What the hell was happening between them? For the first time he acknowledged that whatever it was, it was no longer about Mark or the baby. It was not about Meredith. It was about Addison and Derek.

He'd thought they were no longer Addison and Derek.

And he was terrified, because he knew her, and he knew why she had fled. He knew what she was doing.

And he knew he was not over her.

A

::Hello?:: a groggy voice answered her over the line. She wasn't sure why she was doing this, but she knew she had to do it.

"Hey, it's me."

::Addie?:: His voice sounded more alert now.

"Yeah."

::Are you okay?::

"No…" she almost sobbed, locking herself in her office.

::Addison…::

"I'll do it," she blurted.

::You'll do it?::

"Yes."

::Are you sure?::

"No."

::Addison…"

"I want to have the baby in New York, Rory."


	10. Chapter 10

DISCLAIMER: I still don't own a thing. Which sucks, by the way. Thanks to my beta, Anjali, and I hope you guys enjoy this part. Oh, and I also gave Addison a background because Shonda won't ;)

---A---A---A---

Chapter X

After the long day they all had had at the hospital, Derek decided to sleep at the trailer. Luckily, Meredith was going to be performing surgery most of the night, so he had an easy time convincing her that going back to the trailer made more sense than hanging around her house alone. He was incredibly grateful, because at that moment, there was nothing he wanted more than the chance to think.

He had divorced Addison.

He had divorced his wife of almost twelve years because, putting it simply, he didn't love her anymore. He loved Meredith and there was nothing anyone could do to make him stop. The then intern had captivated his heart and given him a reason to believe that a new beginning was possible. He had hoped he could let go of what his life had been in New York, that he could start over and maybe find with Meredith the 'Happily Ever After' that had eluded him and Addison.

And he was happy with his choice.

Meredith was sweet and smart and loving and caring. She was beautiful in that girl-next-door kind of way that made her so endearing. Granted, she was a little less naïve than when they had first met in the sense that she was less impressed by the fact that he was a neurosurgeon. That was to be expected. But he did love Meredith, and when he had divorced Addison, he had had every intention of spending the rest of his life with Meredith Grey.

When Addison and Mark had gotten married, he figured that was the end of it. He had a new life and so did they, and he hoped they could finally all have peace. He loved Meredith, and Addie and Mark loved each other, so maybe all the pain hadn't been in vain. Maybe all of them could finally be happy and build the lives they had dreamed of. And he had truly believed it was happening. He could greet Addie and Mark at the hospital, and from time to time even have actual conversations with them. Then one day, Addison had asked to talk to him and informed him that she was pregnant. He couldn't deny that the news was hard to hear because of their past. Addison was going to have the child he had been unable to give her. She was going to be a mother when he would never had the chance to be a father. But that was when he had finally reconnected –for real this time– with a part of himself that he had forgotten for the longest time, the part of himself that loved Addison. And that was how he had managed to be truly happy for her and his former best friend. He had cared enough to actually have 'the talk' with Mark and congratulate them both. It was sad for him, but it was mostly just joyful for them, and he didn't want to diminish their happiness. And for a few days everything was right with their world.

And then Mark had died.

With Mark, Derek felt like a part of his childhood had died, but a good part of his anger died as well. He felt numb at first; he didn't know how to begin to process everything that he was feeling. But mostly, he felt like he had to do something, anything, to help Addison. Not only because she was Addison, his Addie, the girl he had once loved enough to marry. Not only because she was a human being in pain, broken and facing an uncertain future. She was also his brother's girl; she was the woman he had married and she was carrying a child that Mark would have wanted raised well.

He figured, at the moment, that if their roles were reversed, Mark and Addison would have offered to help Meredith in any way they could.

He had never imagined that he would fall in love with Addison again. Because, if he actually thought about what was going on, it was apparent that he was falling head-over-heels in love with his ex-wife. Suddenly, everything between them was smiles and tenderness. When he closed his eyes, he could see her smile, and that image brought him peace. He longed to be near her, he longed to touch her and kiss her and just breathe in her perfume. It was a lot like when they had first met and the first years of their marriage.

And that was not even the worst part. He could begin to forgive himself for falling for Addison again. He knew he was going to hurt Meredith, and he didn't want that at all. He knew he was going to hurt Addison as well; it was clear she was not over Mark's death, and Derek telling her that he was in love with her was going to mess up her world even more. But all that, he could explain.

Falling in love with Matt was different. He had always wanted a child, that was true. He had always wanted a baby with Addison, and he knew she had always wanted a baby with him too. But what he was doing now… part of him felt guilty. Sometimes he would be out walking with Meredith and he would see a crib or a changing table, and he would think it would be perfect for Matt. A couple of times he had gone so far as to enter baby stores to check out onesies and stuffed animals. What right did he have to do that? For all his promises that he was not trying to replace Mark, sometimes he felt like that was exactly what he was doing. Slowly but surely, he was beginning to act and feel like Matt's father. He already loved him fiercely and the child was not even born yet.

If he was truthful with himself, he had to admit that his love for Addison and Matthew had been foremost in his mind when he tried to convince Roan Montgomery not to come to Seattle. He was afraid to lose them.

And now he was going to.

There was not a question in his mind that at this point, Addison had already called her brother and was going to run to New York.

He couldn't lose her, but he couldn't ask her to stay either. And even if he tried, he knew it was not going to go over well. She had recently lost her husband, and Derek was with Meredith; she needed time to grieve, and he couldn't actually say anything to her if he was still in a relationship. So, the question: how to proceed without actually hurting Meredith? And even if those problems weren't enough, he knew what Addison's main doubt regarding him would be: did he actually want to be with her or did he want to have a child? Was he staying for her or because he had already fallen in love with the idea of becoming Matthew Mark Sloan's foster-father?

As he lay in his uncomfortable bed, Derek Shepherd closed his eyes, knowing he didn't have the answers to those questions yet. And until he had the answers he needed, he would have to let Addison go.

---A---A---A---

"Addison?!" Callie Torres called her best friend's name as she knocked yet again on her door. She had been at it for about five minutes with little success so far. "Addison, I know you're in there! Come on, girl! I'll kick this door down, you know I will!" That finally did the trick. Callie heard movement behind the door and was at last greeted by Addison's green eyes.

"Hey," Addison whispered.

"Damn. You look like crap," Callie commented as she pushed gently past Addison and let herself into the house. "Nice dig, by the way."

"Thanks." Callie made herself comfortable on Addison's sofa and waited patiently for the redhead to join her.

"So, I brought that vanilla ice-cream you have been craving, and a bunch of chick-flicks and trashy magazines. We're all set for a night of destroying our brain cells and being completely vain. How's that for a girl's night in?" Given the fact that Addison was not even answering, Callie figured that she was failing miserably at the whole 'cheering up Addison' thing she had planned. At the hospital, Callie had seen her friend run away from Derek Shepherd and subsequently lock herself in her office. She knew it had been an emotional day for everyone at the hospital after Alex had been stabbed. Along with Addison, George had spent the better part of the day consoling Izzie Stevens, and even he had noticed it had been a really emotional moment for the attending. So, her husband had decided he needed to be with Izzie for the night, and Callie had taken up the opportunity to do the same for Addison.

And boy, was she glad she had. Addison was a mess. Her long, flowing red hair was tied up in a bun with multiple loose strands falling down her face. Her eyes were watery and her nose was red, good signs that she had been crying. She was wearing a huge green sweater that could only have been Mark's and a pair of grey sweats. Callie also noticed that her hand was on her temple and that her eyes were closed.

"Addie…honey, you feel alright?" she asked softly, moving some strands of hair behind the older woman's ear.

"Yeah…I'm just a little dizzy. And I kinda have a headache."

"Suddenly I feel very guilty about the whole banging on your door thing."

"Not your fault."

"Okay, but I'm getting you some water. You want a Tylenol?"

"Okay…"

"Good. Now, you're going to lay down on the couch, you're going to close your eyes and take deep breaths. And when you're ready, we are going to talk, okay?"

"Fine."

"Good girl. I'm going for that water now." Callie didn't really know her way around Addison's new home yet, but she didn't want to make her friend stand up again. She knew Addison was a neat freak, so probably she had the same disposition around the house that she had back at her penthouse. And she had been a frequent visitor to said penthouse, so she decided to try her luck.

That Addison and Callie had become fast friends had come as a shock to everyone at the hospital. They were as different as two people could be: where Addison was sophisticated and girly, Callie was strong and cutthroat. Addison always managed to look like a model and run around the hospital wearing four-inch heels, while Callie went for comfort and didn't need to be the thinnest woman alive to feel like she was damn sexy. But then again, people never saw things beyond the obvious. Most didn't understand what it felt like to be an outcast, to be shunned. High-school with scalpels, all right. Both Addison and Callie had gone through it, even though both of them knew they were good and kind people. They were normal people, they smiled and cried and served a bigger purpose than being a supporting cast to whatever drama was going through the hospital that week. So they had become friends and had become integral parts of each other's support systems.

If becoming friends with Addison had been a shocker for the public, Callie thought, the fact that she'd become friends with Mark was unheard of. Callie didn't hold any hope of people at SGH not knowing about her couple of sex encounters with the plastic surgeon. Hell, Addison had figured it out on her own. Everyone was expecting a huge catfight, not Addison and Callie becoming girlfriends and Mark becoming a part of the group. Callie had never actually disliked Mark, but she knew she couldn't actually become close to him while he and Addison were hardly on speaking terms. But once they had gotten back together, she had loved hanging out with the new couple. Hell, even Miranda Bailey had grown a soft spot for Sloan. And their triple dates had been fun–while Bailey's husband, Tucker, was the nicest guy in the world and felt completely comfortable with the surgeons, George had been scared out of his mind about hanging around two attendings and the infamous Nazi. He would call them 'Doctor,' 'Madame' and 'Sir' at the karaoke bar, she thought fondly.

When Callie found the Tylenol exactly where she guessed it would be, she filled a glass with water and walked out of the kitchen. Addison was still laying on the couch, her eyes closed, and not making a single sound. Still, Callie knew she was awake. Taking in her looks, Callie couldn't help but feel relief: everything was finally starting to catch up with Addison, and maybe she could begin to cope after all.

---A---A---A---

_::Hello?::_

"Roan?" he asked, knowing he was making a mistake. Derek shouldn't be calling Roan; the guy hated him! But he didn't know what to do. he was at a loss, and probably slightly drunk.

_::Shepherd?::_ the other voice on the line answered after a few seconds.

"She's going, isn't she?"

_::Derek, are you drunk-dialing me? That could get you in some serious trouble, you_ _know?::_

"Just answer, man! Is she going?" Derek let her head fall against the wall; he was sitting on the floor of his trailer. He had moved from thinking to beer and then to scotch. About that time, he had come to the conclusion that he was royally screwed and that even the best case scenario implied two women and himself getting thoroughly hurt. So, since he was not going to win anyway, he decided to call Roan Montgomery.

He was, clearly, quite drunk.

_::That question would be directed at the wrong Montgomery, Shepherd.::_

"Damnit, Roan, just answer the damn–"

_::Look, Derek! Ask, Addison, all right? I don't have to answer just because you_ _don't want to man up and go ask her yourself!::_

There was silence in the line after that. What could Derek say? Roan was right. He should be stronger than this, he should be man enough to go and tell Addison that he knew she was leaving. He wanted to convince her not to run, that she was stronger than he had ever been, that she was not a coward as he had been when he had run out on her in New York.

But he was still a coward. He couldn't face her. He was too scared she was going to say yes, that she was leaving. He didn't want confirmation.

_::Derek?:: _Roan called his name after the silence went on for too long.

"She can't have chicken."

_::What?::_

"Addison," he whispered, "she can't have chicken right now, it makes her nauseous. Go with turkey. And she stresses too much, which isn't good for the baby, so try to make her laugh a lot."

_::Look, Derek…::_

"No, Roan. If she leaves with you, then you need to know this. I think it just hit her today, that Mark is dead. I mean, she knew before, but today it hit her. She's alone and she's scared and she can't even walk around Seattle without thinking about Mark. I don't think it will get better in New York. That's where we all… lived… before. I don't know."

_::Derek,:: _Roan interrupted_ :: don't do this, okay? Just go and talk to her. You_ _keep saying you love her and you know her. How would she take your calling me instead_ _of talking to her?::_

"She's not ready to talk to me. Just… look, the most important thing about her now. She calls the baby Matt, because Mark named him Matt. Make sure you show her you care about her son's identity, it makes her feel better. Linked to Mark."

_::I know the baby's name is Matt… look, Derek, I'm trying to…::_

"Good. I gotta go now, Roan."

_::Derek…::_

"Just…"

_::Derek!::_

" I just…really loved her, you know?" Silence again. For a moment, Derek worried that Roan had already hung up on him. Finally, his ex-brother-in-law spoke again.

_::Derek, I'm sorry I implied that this was about your not having children…::_

"That's okay."

_::No, it's not. Addison would have me for dinner if she knew…::_

"Maybe you're right."

_::What?::_

"After all I put her through, now I'm suddenly falling for her again… Roan, how do I know this is about me loving Addison and not about me loving Matt?"

_::You love Matt because he's Addison's, Derek. It's not the other way around.::_

"You can't be sure, Roan."

_::Yes, I can. Look man, I always knew you loved my sister. I just though she_ _could do better and that you sucked at showing it, that's all.::_

"I love her. I'm just messed up, and she's messed up…"

_::You'll figure it out. And Addie is always messed up, it's a Montgomery family_ _trait.::_

"I just…she needs to do what she needs to do. And I don't want to stand on her way. So…"

_::Derek, talk to her.::_

"Yeah, okay."

_::I mean it.::_

"Talk to you later, Roan. Take care of her." Derek hung up the phone without giving Roan a chance to reply. He didn't know what he was doing anymore; maybe he should just wait it out.

Or maybe Roan was right and he should talk to Addison as soon as possible.

Or maybe he should try to figure out how to solve the Meredith situation.

Whichever was easiest to do first.

Yeah, he was having another drink.

---A---A---A---

"…and then, I called Rory," Addison finished her story. Callie was sitting in front of her on the couch, listening as the redhead told her what had happened at the hospital.

"Seriously? Like, you're going back to New York?"

"Yes…no…yes…"

"Okay, you totally need to figure that one out before you go to the airport."

"It's just," Addison continued, ignoring her friend's attempt at comic relief, "I don't know what to do. I feel…I feel like everything is out of control, you know? Like…yesterday I had everything figured out. And today, everything's a mess!" Addison concluded, unable to keep a sob from escaping her lips. Callie patted her sympathetically on the knee before handling her another tissue. "Thanks. I don't know what wrong with me! I just keep… crying."

"I think that's normal, Addison. You know very well that this is not about Izzie Stevens or Alex Karev. This is about you and Mark. This is about…"

"Mark's accident?"

"See? You can't even say it! Mark's dead, Addison. I'm so sorry that he is, and I miss him too. But, sweetie, you need to make peace with the fact that he's gone."

"I did! At least…I thought I had. I locked myself in here and cried my eyes out after the…the funeral…I thought I had…"

"Crying isn't the same as letting go, Addie. You never really talked about it with anyone, did you? Not even Derek."

"No. I just…it was too hard to actually…say it."

"Say what, Addison?" Addison averted her eyes, trying to hide from Callie's dark stare. She felt her friend's hand cupping her chin and forcing her to look up. "Addison. Say what?"

"That…" Addison started, slowly, feeling her heart break as she continued and finally said it, "That Mark is dead." Tears were falling again and Addison made no movement to stop them. "I'm not over it, Callie. How the hell can I be over it! My husband was killed! I miss him! I want him here! I need him here! Our son is going to need him his whole life…how am I supposed to be over it?"

"You're not! Addie, you're not. This is good…" Addison gave her a murderous look, "Okay, not the whole crying uncontrollably and feeling like crap part. That's not good. But you're finally allowing yourself to feel pain, to be a mess. Now, you can start working again on piecing your life back together. You have to let other people take care of you…"

"I tried. With Derek. It's just…he was being so great, Callie. He was being everything I was hoping Mark…it's supposed to be our time, you know? Mark's and mine. We were supposed to do this together and then he was gone and I tried to do it alone, but it was so easy to lean on Derek."

"That's okay, Addison. He's your friend."

"No, Callie. You don't understand, there's so much history there. And now…I just feel a million things. Like I somehow cheated on Mark, pretending I was over his death. Allowing another man to take his place…"

"Derek didn't take Mark's place, Addison."

"No. Not with me, Callie. Well, maybe a little with me, but most of all with Matt. This baby is Mark's, Callie. Mark's! I shouldn't have allowed this to happen, I let Derek get attached. It's wrong."

"It's not. They were best friends for the longest time. Mark would expect Derek to be there for you and the baby. And you didn't do anything wrong either; you wanted what was best for your son."

"I was selfish. I need to get my freaking life together, I need to do it in the next twenty-eight weeks, and I need to do it on my own."

"Is that why you're going to New York?" Callie asked.

Addison took her time before answering. She didn't know how to say properly what she wanted to say, how to convey why she felt the need to run as far from the situation as possible. It wasn't even about New York; she just wanted to close her eyes for a couple of months and hope that the problem would work itself out. She knew that wasn't likely to happen, but having her brother by her side, she knew the situation would be better. Somehow. "Rory always takes care of me," was all she could offer, knowing the words were completely inadequate.

"We can take care of you. You don't have to leave, Addison."

"I know. And I love you and I don't want to leave you, Callie. But…I'm having a breakdown."

"I'm aware of that. I think we covered it, Adds."

"No…I mean, how do I put myself back together after that? I feel like I won't even recognize myself once I'm done. And…and I don't want to be strong anymore."

"You don't have to."

"Yes, I do, because I'm on my own. I know I have you and Richard, Miranda, Preston, Izzie…Derek. I know. But I'm still on my own. I need someone to…"

"Do this for you?"

"I… maybe. I don't know. I need to let go and crash down. And I need someone to pick me up. And whenever I've come to close to the edge, Rory has taken care of me. It was instinct, Callie. Just instinct."

_Four-year-old Addison Forbes was sitting on the couch at her grandparents' house. She had been told to stay in the living room watching cartoons and she wasn't about to disobey, especially since everyone seemed to be on edge. She clutched her doll closer to her chest and tried hard to concentrate on the cartoons instead of on her mother's and grandparents' screams coming from her grandfather's office._

"_Rory?" she asked her brother in a tiny voice. Roan Forbes was lying on the rug; she was sure her grandma wasn't going to like that, but Roan always enjoyed annoying people._

"_Yeah, Addie?" he answered. She didn't want to upset her brother, but he was the only one who ever paid real attention to her. Roan was always the one to answer her questions, and when she had nightmares, she would knock on his door and he would let her crawl into bed with him. And he was nine, so she figured he was old enough to protect her from the monsters._

"_Where's daddy?" Her brother didn't answer her at first and she worried she may have asked something wrong._

"_He's gone, Addie," he answered._

"_What do you mean he's gone? Mommy said he was at home."_

"_Yeah, he's back home. But…we're not going to be with dad anymore, okay?"_

"_Is it because of me?" Addison asked, tears falling down her chubby cheeks. She knew it was her fault…Roan had gotten mad at their father because of her. Then everything had happened…she could remember her mother screaming, finding Benjamin Forbes sprawled on the floor of her bedroom. She had been sitting in her bed, hugging her knees, not knowing what was going on. Her mother had started yelling at Roan to call 911 as she tried to awaken her father and had screamed at Addison to leave her room. She had obeyed her mother, running behind her brother._

"_No. It's not, okay?" Roan asked, sitting so that he could make eye contact with her._

"_Yes it is. You got mad at daddy because of me."_

"_It was dad's fault, Addie, not yours."_

"_But…why aren't we with daddy anymore?" she asked, confused._

"_Addie…" She could see her brother was having problems explaining to her why they weren't going back to their own house. She waited patiently as he thought for a moment, hugging her doll even more tightl., "Addie," he started again, "you know how dad gets mad at mom?" She nodded. "And then, he gets mad at me?" She nodded again. She didn't like when her daddy got mad; usually, her mother or Roan would yell at her to go to her room and not come out until they said so. "That's why we left, okay? So dad wouldn't get mad at us anymore."_

"_But daddy was mad at me today," she said. It had not been intentional. She had been swimming all morning at the children's pool when she remembered that her doll was not swimming with her. She had run all the way to her room. But she hadn't found her doll in her room, and she had gotten worried that maybe the doll was lost. Then she had remembered that she had had her doll with her in her parents' room when her mother had been braiding her hair. So she had gone back there to look, finding the doll by her father's nightstand. She had then run back to the pool with her dolly._

"_I know," Roan answered slowly._

"_I didn't mean to ruin his book, Rory. I was looking for Penny; I didn't want to soak his novel."_

"_I know, Addie."_

"_We left because he was mad at me?"_

"_Yes…no…" She scrunched her brow as her brother sighed audibly, "We left because dads shouldn't get that mad, okay? We left so that he wouldn't get mad at any of us ever again."_

"_So…we're not living with daddy anymore?"_

"_No. We're not." Addison thought about that for a moment. She liked her grandparents' house. It was even bigger than the one where her family lived, and they had a room for her that was all pink and was filled with toys and dolls. They even had gotten a pony for her, Thunder, and they kept it in their huge garden. But her grandmother was kind of scary._

"_But we left all our stuff in the house," she noted._

"_We'll get new stuff, don't worry."_

"_But I don't want to live with grandma and grandpa!" she whined._

"_We're not. We're moving."_

"_Moving?"_

"_Yeah. To another city, called New York."_

"_But we live in California."_

"_Now we're going to live in New York. Don't worry. You'll like it, I promise."_

"_Okay."_

"_Okay."_

"_Rory?"_

"_Yeah?"_

"_You're going to take care of me, right? When we're alone with mommy, you'll always take care of me, right?" she asked, genuinely worried. Her mother, Beatrice Leighton Forbes, was never the one to take care of them. They had nannies. She was worried her mother didn't know the things she liked, but Rory did._

"_Yeah. Promise, I'll take care of you."_

"_Thank you. I love you." She smiled, throwing herself in her brother's arms._

"_I love you too, Addie. _

_It would be another five years until Addison really understood what had happened that night. Then, she was no longer Addison Forbes; she was Addison Forbes Montogomery, after her stepfather, Sean Montgomery, had formally adopted her and Roan. Her mother had insisted, though, that they also keep their Forbes name._

_She had been too young to understand then that her father, while a prominent –and rich – member of the community, had been abusive. Back then, she didn't know that it was not normal for a father to hit his family when he was mad._

_That night… her father had been drunk when he had kicked her bedroom door open. To this day, she wasn't sure why he had come in; she thought it was to hit her. She had been sitting on her bed, arms around her knees, crying because she knew her father was mad. Up until this point, her father had never been mad at her. Thinking back, she guessed that Roan had taken more beatings than his fair share for her. Her father had started walking towards her, fury in his eyes, and she just sat in her bed crying._

_Everything was a blur after that; she had never actually asked Roan to relive I,t and her mother wasn't an option. She barely spoke to her mother anymore. But she could piece together what had happened on her own. Roan coming into her room and screaming at their father to stop, Benjamin telling him to go to bed…then…her father on the floor, bleeding, his head cut open…and Roan, standing behind him, petrified, a baseball bat in his hands. Both of them crying._

_Then her mother had come and gone into hysterics after finding her husband bleeding…Roan and Addison had hurried to the phone and called 911, the paramedics had taken her father and they had driven to her grandparents' house._

_The rest was even easier to piece together; both the Forbes and Leighton families were fairly important, and their names carried weight. Scandal was one thing they were not about to tolerate, and once Benjamin's bad habits had been uncovered, her grandparents had insisted that their daughter divorce him and leave town. Her mother loved Benjamin, so she probably would have lived the rest of her life with his beatings, even allowing Roan and Addison to fall victims to them as well. But when Roan had hurt his father in an attempt to defend him sister, even Beatrice knew it was time to leave, lest one day one of her children do something they would all regret for the rest of their lives._

_Thank God for that. A year later, Beatrice had married her stepfather, the man both she and Roan truly considered their father. Then life had really started for both of them._

_But never once had Addison forgotten what her brother was to her. He was her anchor, her protector._

"Rory and I take care of each other, Callie," she said, trying to chase the bad thoughts out of her mind.

"You're scared, aren't you?" her friend asked, and Addison gave her a weak smile.

"Yeah. Terrified."

"Then it's a good thing you called your brother," Callie concluded.

"You think?"

"Yeah. You're scared; he's your knight in shining armor. It helps you, right?"

"Yeah. I think…I hope it will."

"Okay…but if I can give you some friendly advice?"

"Always, Callie."

"If Seattle brings back too many memories of Mark, don't you think it's going to be ten times worse in New York?"

---A---A---A---

The next morning Derek had the slight suspicion that he was hungover. He had first come to that conclusion when he missed his glass while trying to pour himself some fresh milk. The idea had crossed his mind again when it took him four tries to actually match his socks. He had been pretty sure about the fact when he had taken a full twenty minutes to open his car door.

He was hungover.

Still, he suspected that the throbbing headache he was currently having was more a consequence of calling Roan Montgomery in the middle of the night to whine about Addison's leaving. He couldn't remember the whole conversation, but he had the gist of it…and it wasn't good.

So, he had decided that first things came first. He took a cab to the dock, and then a ferry and another cab to the hospital. He had walked into Richard Webber's office without being announced and quite plainly announced that he was hungover, possibly even still a little bit drunk, and that he would be needing the day off. Obviously the chief had not been happy, but after yelling at Derek for fifteen minutes, he had to agree that he was in no shape to see patients. He had told him once more he was a disgrace before ordering him to go home, get a lot of sleep, and come tomorrow sober.

Derek had other ideas.

One of the things he remembered about his conversation with Roan was that the other man had insisted he had to talk to Addison. Roan had been right, but first Derek had to figure out what he was going to say. The logical answer was that he had to go to his ex-wife and bare his soul to her, tell her everything that he was feeling.

Easier said than done. What the hell was he feeling?

So, he couldn't just go to Addison and tell her he was really really confused and would really appreciate it if she would not leave so that he'd have time to think about it some more.

Plan B.

First, he had to get some sleep, because seriously, he was hungover. After crashing for a couple of hours in one of the on-call rooms, he had decided it was time for the second part of Plan B.

He got breakfast. He was pretty sure that the rest of his day would be shot to hell after the third part of his plan, so he might as well enjoy his breakfast.

After that, there was nothing more he could do to delay what he knew he had to do.

"Hey," he greeted his girlfriend, Meredith Grey, after finding her alone in the locker room.

"Hey." She smiled at him tiredly, and his gut turned. He loved her, he would never be able to say that he didn't love Meredith Grey, but he wasn't in love with her anymore. Trying to figure out everything in his mind, he had come to the conclusion that he had to start there. Whatever his feelings for Addison and Matt were right now, he knew that he was not being fair to Meredith. He had to tell her the truth about himself; he had to make a choice about their relationship.

"You finally off?" he asked casually, locking the door behind him as he walked towards her and sat by her side on the bench.

"Yeah. Graveyard duty blows."

"Yeah." Silence. How was he supposed to start this conversation?

"Derek? What's going on?"

"Mer…we need to talk."

"That's a comforting way to start a conversation. This is going to suck, isn't it?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry."

"Is this about Addison?" she asked and Derek could hear her voice breaking.

"How did you know?"

"George told me she was pretty shaken yesterday. You know, the whole thing with Alex? I guess it brought back some really bad memories. Didn't it?"

"Yeah."

"You're breaking up with me, aren't you?" Derek was surprised by her question and his head shot up so they were eye to eye. She was trying her best not to let the tears fall, but sadly was failing.

"I…I think I am."

"Are you in love with Addison?"

"I don't know." He gave her a sad smile. "I wish I knew, but I don't. And if I don't know, it's not fair to you that we stay together."

"Okay." There was silence again, but Derek knew that it was not over yet. He was hurting her, and he didn't want to hurt her. He had been awful about his breakup with Addison when they had divorced, and he didn't want to repeat the same mistakes. "Nothing has happened between Addison and me, I promise. She's still in love with Mark. But Alex…you're right, it hit her pretty hard, and I think she's finally ready to talk about what happened, and I want to be there when she's ready."

"Okay." This was not working, but then again, maybe it was never supposed to work.

"And I did love you, Meredith. I do love you. You saved me."

"Yeah, apparently I saved you for her." He cringed; there was no mistaking the bitterness in the young doctor's voice.

"I'm too damaged…I'm broken, you're better off."

"Right, cause I'm such a wholesome and sane individual."

"You are. More than you know. You haven't been beaten down yet, you still have dreams and hopes. You can cling to them. You can have a life, a good one, a great career, a family."

"We were supposed to have all that…together." Tears were now falling down Meredith's cheeks. Derek moved to brush them away, but she flinched away. That hurt more than he'd thought it would.

"I can't. I'm sorry, but I can't be the man that makes your dreams come true."

"You were supposed to be my McDreamy. You were supposed to be the one."

"I wanted you to be the one too, Meredith. I really did. It would be so much easier if you were…"

"So I'm your Finn, right? I'm the person that was safe for you. The person you knew loved you more than you had to love them back. So that was good, easy."

"Maybe a little bit…you were different. Your problems, deep as they were, weren't our problems. I could help you fix them without hurting myself. But when you are a part of the problem? Fixing that is a whole lot harder."

"I would've done anything for you, Derek, you know that?"

"I do."

"Really? I would have done anything! I would have put up with your being Addison's friend. I was willing to let you play foster dad to her son. I was going to put up with your family, even when I know they think I'm a poor replacement for Addison. You would have come first for me. Always. I was willing to be that person, Derek. I was willing to make you everything."

"I know." Tears had started pooling in his eyes as well, seeing the raw hurt he had caused to a woman he loved. But he knew this was for the best. She was willing to be that person for him, but he was not able to fulfill that role for her; wasn't it better to set her free? Let her have the life she deserved?

"I wanted to have everything with you, Derek. I wanted to marry you. I wanted to have babies with you." The moment she said that, Derek felt like he had been sucker-punched. This was for the best. Meredith didn't know why…he wanted to tell her, but he couldn't bring himself to confess it to anyone else. It hurt too much. But Meredith could have all those things; he was the one with the problem. Meredith could only have the family he wanted without him, just like Addison had.

"I know." He lifted a hand slowly, and he was glad when she allowed him to caress her cheek. He leaned forward gingerly, and when she didn't move to stop him, he kissed her slowly. It was a sad kiss, bittersweet at best, because it was a good-bye kiss. Both he and Meredith were giving up the life they had dreamed of having together. They were giving up on a dream, and that was painful. But it was also a thank you kiss, which was beautiful, because they wouldn't be the people they had become if they hadn't crossed each other's paths. Derek wouldn't be Derek now if he hadn't first been Meredith's 'guy in a bar,' and he would forever thank the young woman for making him whole again.

"I love you," Meredith whispered when the kiss was over.

"I love you too," Derek answered, giving her one last smile. Then he stood up slowly and made his way out of the locker room.

It was time to be a man.

It was time to talk to Addison.


	11. Chapter 11

Sorry for the delay. Here's the next part. My thanks to Anjali for beta-ing and to you for reading. Sadly, though, still not mine 

---A---A---A---

Chapter XI

Two days.

Roan was coming to Seattle in two days.

Addison had just put the phone down. She had called Roan, needing someone to help her make sense of her life. After her conversation with Callie, she realized that her friend was right. There was no way going back to New York wouldn't make her think of Mark even more.

But she was having no better luck getting over his death in Seattle.

So at this point, the question was pretty simple: where would she be less miserable? She had all her friends back in New York, but she had managed to make some amazing friends in Seattle too. She had family in New York. But that family consisted of her mother, whom she didn't really speak to anymore, and Mark's family, who were not that close even among themselves.

Derek's family was there.

She loved Derek's family. But there was no way she could actually get them back into her life until she figured out the situation with Derek.

Roan's presence was the only factor that really tipped the scale; also, New York was familiar. New York was home.

But was it anymore?

Seattle was where she and Mark had intended to live their lives and raise their son. Seattle…at some point, Seattle had become 'home.' Maybe not Addison Forbes Montgomery's home, but certainly Addison Sloan's.

After Callie left, Addison had done a lot of thinking. Finally, she had opted to go to sleep early, hoping that when she woke up her life would be all figured out.

No such luck.

She had also been screening her calls. Mean, but necessary.

Derek had called her five times, the last time leaving a message. He knew, obviously. He knew her so well that he knew what she was feeling even before she had the guts to articulate it for him. His message had been a simple plea for her to talk to him. But there was something else…his voice…there was something else.

"_Addie? Look, I know you're home. I just…I need to talk to you. I…I need to tell you…I get it__, okay? You're freaking out. You get to freak out. But I need to talk to you. I don't want to make things more complicated for you, Addison. But please, call me, okay? I need to talk to you. It's important. Please, sweetie. Be safe, okay?"_

Addison listened to the message for about the tenth time. There was just something about his voice. There was an anguish that she had not heard for a very long time. So, her answer should be simple enough, right? There was something going on with Derek, and he needed to talk to her. It stood to reason that she should call him and talk to him about whatever was bothering him.

So…why was she having so much trouble calling him back?

Now it was nine in the morning, and she had a surgery scheduled at eleven; Richard was keeping her on an easy schedule, playing the overprotective stepfather to a tee. She had to think about her work, she needed to concentrate. At some point, she had to reschedule her doctor's appointment. She had to make a life-changing decision.

She tried to convince herself that it was fine that she hadn't called Derek yet.

---A---A---A---

Derek Shepherd was a man on a mission. He had finally made up his mind; he now knew what he had to do. Still, he couldn't act on his decision while Addison was avoiding him. After talking to Meredith, he'd intended to face Addison, but she was hiding out in her home and not answering his calls. He had half a mind to go to her place and knock the door until she opened it, which had worked for him in the past. Still, he couldn't do that while claiming that all he wanted was for her to be happy. He had to be the better guy and not pressure her. He had to wait for her to come to him. He hoped she would do just that before her brother arrived, because he couldn't impose on her at the moment.

So he did the only thing he could think about doing.

He went to work.

Somehow, though, neurosurgery was proving to be a whole lot less fun than he remembered it being.

"Shepherd?" a short woman who had made it a habit to scold him like a three-year-old stopped him.

"Good morning, Doctor Bailey." He gave her his dreamiest smile, but the woman was immune. She looked at him like she couldn't believe he was still trying to charm her, so he gave it up and gave her a more serious look.

"Better. Are you opening someone's brain?"

"What, right now?" She nodded in response. "No, I was going to take care of some charts."

"Good. Then we're talking."

"But…"

"Come on." Bailey turned around and started walking down the hall.

"But…my charts…" he weakly attempted. Bailey turned around and gave him "The Look," the Nazi look that sowed fear in the hearts of interns, residents, and attendings alike. "Okay, I'm coming." Caving, he following her. She guided him to his office and opened the door with enough confidence that he felt the need to check that it was his name on the door and not hers. He entered the office, and she closed the door behind them.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Me? Nothing."

"Don't play dumb, McDreamy. What. Are. You. Doing?"

"I…" Why was he panicking? Right, because she was Miranda Bailey. "I'm standing very quietly and listening to you?"

"Good try. What's going with Addison?"

"How the hell would I know what's going on with Addison? The woman is not taking my calls!"

"Don't play dumb! Something's happened here. I know how hard Alex's surgery was on Addison. It was hard on all of us. But I want to know why Addison's not taking your calls, why she's freaking out, and why you dumped Meredith Grey. Yes, I know about that. I know everything. Now, spill."

"I…it's complicated," he offered, which earned him another glare.

"I know it's complicated. But what is this about? Why is Addison leaving?"

"Addison's leaving? You talked to her? She already decided to leave?!"

"Calm down. I haven't talked to her. Doctor Torres called me; she was with Addison last night. She wanted me to smack the stupid out of you before Addison showed up."

"Is Addie okay?"

"From what Torres said, just rattled. But she's making up her mind about leaving Seattle and moving back to New York, right?"

"Yeah. She's having a hard time dealing with Mark's death…she's confused. I guess she just wants to feel like she can go back home."

"Have you been making things harder for her?"

"What? No! I haven't. I've been doing my best to help her…to be there for her." Derek sighed. He wished he knew what he had done wrong…he'd known her grief would hit Addison at some point, and he was glad it had finally happened. But in mourning her husband, Addison had closed herself off, and he had felt the loss. He knew he was a part of what was happening to Addison, but he just didn't know how to convince her that she didn't need to leave. He wanted her to know he would be there for her, that he would take care of her as well as Roan would. He could do it. He wanted to do it.

"I believe you." Bailey sighed after searching his face for any sign that he was lying.

Derek nodded his acknowledgment and went to sit behind his desk, resting his head on his hands. "What was it, Bailey? You're Addie's friend. What did I do wrong? Why is she pulling away?"

"It's not your fault. Not completely." Bailey sat in the chair in front of him, a deep frown embedded on her features.

"I just wanted to be there for her. I wanted to be a good friend…"

"Derek." Bailey cut him off, and he stared. She moved forward, resting her arms on the desk. "What did you do?" she asked, this time without any accusation in her voice.

"I…I didn't mean to do anything. I never wanted to be one of the things that she couldn't handle…I promise, I just wanted to be there for her and the baby."

"And then…"

"And then, I went back. We both went back. All of a sudden, we were both in med school again. We were hanging out and acting like a…couple. Not doing anything…just, holding each other, the whole staring into each other eyes and stuff like that. It was comforting, you know? Like we were back when everything was easier…like Mark would come through the door at any point."

"He won't."

"I know. And I guess I shouldn't have shielded her from that fact. I shouldn't have played husband for her…it's just…I didn't want her to hurt anymore. And I love her, I really do."

"I know you do. But we can't help her now. We can't stop her from feeling what she needs to feel."

"There's…there's more."

"More? Meredith?"

"Partly. I didn't mean for this to happen, I didn't. But…I think I'm in love with Addison."

"Now?"

"Yeah. That's why I had to break up with Meredith. It wasn't fair to her. I couldn't lead her on, she deserves so much better."

"I agree. Have you told Addison any of this?"

"No. She's seriously not taking my calls."

"She's confused. From what Callie said, she's afraid she's been depending on you too much. Like she's allowed you to take over for Mark."

"I didn't mean to do that. I just wanted to make sure she knew…"

"What? That she can depend on you?"

"Yeah! What's wrong with that?"

"You're seeing this from your perspective, Derek."

"What do you mean?"

"Can you seriously tell me you don't know why Addison would have second thoughts about depending on you? About her son depending on you? Have you never failed her, Derek?"

"_Hey, man__," Derek greeted his best friend easily._

"_Derek. What's up? You heading out?" Mark was changing into his __street clothes, putting on a black sweater._

"_No, just got a new case. Aneurysm."_

"_Oh__. Wait, didn't you and Addison have plans tonight?"_

"_Yeah…" Derek saw Mark grimace as he closed the door to his locker. __He was shook his head, and Derek knew he had already figured it out._

"_Dude, come on, you can't keep…"_

"_Please, Mark, this is an important case. I have to stay, but we have the reservations…"_

"_So __someone else can do the operation. Take your wife to dinner."_

"_I can't! This is about work."_

"_It's always about work, man. When will you make it about Add?"_

"_Addison gets it__. She's a surgeon too, she knows how it gets."_

"_She's also a woman, Derek, and she's missing you these days."_

"_I'll make it up to her. Come on__, man, she's already on her way, and if I just stand her up she's gonna get all upset. Plus you're heading out, and she always has fun with you…" Derek could see the irritation in his friend's eyes…and something more that he couldn't quite identify. Was he mad at Derek? Why was he making such a big deal about having dinner with Addison? He always said he liked her._

"_And I love hanging out with her. Seriously, this isn't about me not wanting to have dinner with Addison. But Derek, she married _you_, she needs time with _you_. And I can keep picking up as much as you drop, but at some point you need to make time for her. You have no idea how much you're hurting her…"_

"_I'm not hurting her. I'm telling you, Addison gets it."_

"_Addison won't admit it to you! That doesn't __mean she isn't upset about you working all these extra hours at the hospital."_

"_It's not like I ask for the extra hours!" Derek was getting upset now. Where did Mark get off talking about his marriage?_

"_You kinda do! Listen, Derek, I don't mean to upset you either…"_

"_Can you take __Addison out or not?"_

"_Derek, you guys need to talk about this…"_

"_Can you?" Derek waited as Mark sighed and look__ed to the side._

"_If I say no, will you go with her?"_

"_No." Derek could read the disappointment __on his best friend's face._

"_Then I'll go with her."_

"_Thanks." Derek nodded and turned to the door, when it suddenly swung open. He watched as his wife, Addison, made her way towards him. She smiled as she greeted him and __kissed him softly on the lips. Then he saw her eyes light up as he saw Mark behind him; she approached and pecked him on the cheek, returning his hug._

"_You ready to go?" __She smiled, turning to face Derek._

"_Actually…" __He saw his wife's face fell the moment he opened his mouth. At this point, he was sure Addison had gotten used to their plans falling apart ninety percent of the time. She didn't seem surprised, just disappointed and a little bit sad._

"_Case?" she asked__, resigned._

"_Ye__ah. I'm sorry, Addie. I'll make it up to you."_

"_Sure." Addison gave him another kiss and was turning to say good-bye too Mark, but then his best friend stepped in._

"_You know what, Add? I'm off right now. You guys don't want those fancy reservations to go to waste…"_

"_It's okay__, Mark," she answered. Derek watched as she put her hand on Mark's arm. "You probably have your own plans; you don't need to get stuck with me."_

"_Stuck? Come on, you're my best girl." Mark was giving her his most charming smile now, the one he usually used to get himself a girl for the evening. __He was only pulling it out now, Derek knew, to keep Addison from spending an evening alone at home. "I know I'm second best here, but you're all dressed up." For the first time, Derek noticed Addison's outfit. She was wearing a form-fitting skirt with a slit on the side, and a tight green sweater that she knew he loved on her because it matched her eyes. She'd curled her hair, and it cascaded over her shoulders and back. She looked beautiful. And Derek had to ask himself why he hadn't noticed before Mark mentioned it._

"_Really__, Mark, you don't have to." She was still arguing._

"_I want to. Come on, Derek doesn't mind, right?" Derek took his cue and shook his head._

"_Go have fun, Addie. Just because I'm stuck here doesn't mean you have to be too." He could see Addison starting to cave. Of course, he thought, she didn't like to be left alone at their home; as much as she put on a strong façade, he knew that Addison hated being alone._

"_Come on, Add. I'll make it worth your while__," Mark offered once again. This time, she smiled, again turning to Derek for confirmation. He nodded._

_Addison's smile was beautiful as she accepted. __"Okay. Thanks, Mark."_

"_Nothing to thank, Add. Let's get out of here." __Off the hook for the evening, Derek sighed. Mark had his arm around Addison now, and she seemed quite relaxed, enjoying his company. Still, she looked at her husband with sadness, as if still hoping he would change his mind and go with her._

"_See you at home?" she asked, leaning over to peck him on the cheek._

"_Sure, but don't wait up__. This could take a while."_

"_Okay." She and Mark __left, closing the door behind them. Hearing voices just outside the door, though, Derek knew they were still there. He made his way over to the door to listen. He knew he shouldn't, but lately this was the only means he had to know what his wife was thinking._

"_It's gonna be okay." Mark whispered,__ and Derek imagined him caressing Addison's soft red curls._

"_I miss him, Mark. I need him."_

"_He'll figure it out. Come on, let me try and take your mind __off this."_

"_You're great."_

"_No, _you_ are great. I'm playing catch up."_

"_Let's go__,"she finally said, and their footsteps echoed down the hallway._

_Derek closed his eyes and let out a long breath. What the hell was happening? Why was he allowing Addison to slip through his fingers? And, most importantly, why wasn't he doing anything to stop it from happening? He knew Mark was right__. Derek was spending too many hours at work, and whenever Addison wanted to go out he would either stand her up or ask Mark to go in his place. What was happening? He loved his wife…didn't he?_

---A---A---A---

"You made up your mind yet?" Callie Torres asked her best friend as she escorted her through the hospital's corridors. They'd met for lunch and were finally returning to work. Throughout the meal, they had both avoided talking about the elephant in the room, but now Callie couldn't refrain from asking.

"Yeah…I think I have," Addison mumbled. She was looking at her shoes now, avoiding eye contact and fumbling with the obnoxiously huge ring Mark had bought for her when he had proposed. All bad signs.

"You are leaving, aren't you?" Callie sighed. She didn't have many friends, and that had never really bothered her in the past. But after getting to know Addison, she'd enjoyed having a female friend so much…she didn't want her to leave.

"I'm sorry, Cal," Addison offered, still avoiding eye contact.

"You sure you can't stay?" They made their way into the empty locker room.

"I wish I could, Callie." Addison finally faced her and offered a sad smile. "I'm going to miss you so much!" That was all it took to make notorious badass Callie Torres and certified bitch Addison Sloan to hug and fight with all their might to prevent the tears from falling.

"I'm going to miss you too!" Callie tried to smile as they broke the embrace. "Miranda kinda sucks at the girl stuff."

"I've noticed that about her too." Addison gave her a watery smile as she sat on one of the benches. Callie sat by her side and patted her leg.

"I'm going to ask only once, because I have to ask, okay? You're sure this is the right thing to do?"

"No…but I need to get my act together. I don't want to run away, Callie. I really don't. But I can't think clearly here…I can't go on like nothing happened among all these people that knew me and Mark together. I can't think…"

"And what about Derek?"

"What about Derek?"

"Come on, Addison. Aren't you going to tell him?"

"I have to. I guess I have to."

"You don't want to leave Derek, do you?" Callie asked softly.

"No…but I can't let him take care of me and Matt anymore."

"He wants to."

"Yes, but I can't let him. At least not now. I have to get my act together, for me and my son, and I have to do it on my own. It's so much easier to let Derek be there, but it's Mark's place…"

"We've talked about this, Addie. Mark would have wanted…"

"Not yet. Okay? I'm not ready and it's too complicated between me and Derek."

"All right." Callie decided to let the subject drop; this was something Addison and Derek had to work out for themselves. "Are you going away for good? Like, you're not coming back ever again?"

"I'm not sure yet. I hope I can come back at some point...you're the weirdest friend I've ever had, I don't want to give that up!"

"Well, you're a lot of fun as a friend too. Seriously, I can like, write a book, 'Things that would only ever happen to Addison.' It would be a long book, I tell you…" Both women laughed at that. Callie knew she was going to miss Addison, but a big part of being a friend was wanting the best for her friends. And if Addison really thought this was what she needed to do to heal, Callie was going to support her.

"I'm calling you all the time. And you're coming to visit once I get settled."

"Of course I am!"

"Good. Because you and Miranda have to fly in when Matt is born. I want him to get to know his cool Aunt Callie."

"Of course he will! I'm gonna make sure that boy drives you crazy. I'll get him to drink his first beer."

"Good. Well, not good. I mean, I don't want my son doing any underage drinking, but I want him to know all of his family." Callie was deeply moved by Addison's words. She didn't have many friends, but she considered Addison family as well. They sat together for a little while longer, both of them hoping that they wouldn't end up losing a wonderful friendship.

"Just so you know…" Callie started again as she stood up, "I called Miranda. She talked to Derek."

"What?" Addison snapped her head around fast enough to catch Callie already making her escape through the door.

"Yeah. He should behave for the rest of the day, so you can talk to him whenever you want." Callie offered her one last smile before closing the door.

---A---A---A---

"What, it's your turn now?" Derek asked Preston Burke as soon as the cardiothoracic surgeon popped his head into his office.

"I just wanted to get some coffee."

"I'm sorry." Derek sighed. After performing a three-hour surgery, he was still sulking over his conversation with Miranda Bailey. It was always hard for him to remember his part in the downfall of his marriage. And on top of it all, he'd been unable to find Addison even though he knew she had to be at the hospital already.

"Bad day?" Burke asked, sitting in the chair opposite Derek.

"Have you ever done something you really, really regret, Burke?"

"Like kill someone during surgery? Leaving a towel in a woman's chest? Lying to the chief about having a tremor? Blaming it on you?"

"No, like something you really, really regret."

Burke stared at Derek for a few moments, gaping.

"You seriously don't pay attention to other people's lives, do you?"

"What?"

"Never mind. I'll bite. What's eating you, Shepherd?"

"It's Addison," Derek confessed.

"What did you do?" Preston demanded, his tone a bit edgier this time.

"Why do people keep assuming I did something?"

"What did he do?" Richard Webber demanded. His former, and quite honestly favorite, student was sitting in front of him. A woman he loved dearly, as he would a daughter. He had been by her side during both the best and worst times of her life, and she had done the same for him. He had convinced her to move to Seattle and made her his Head of Neonatal. He had given her away in her second wedding and was looking forward to playing grandfather to her child. And she was asking him to rescind her contract with Seattle Grace Hospital.

And he just had a feeling that his Head of Neurosurgery had something to do with it.

"He didn't do anything, Richard."

"Don't cover for him, Addison."

"I'm not. Richard, this is not about Derek." He gave her a glare and she caved a little bit. "Okay, maybe it's a tiny bit about him. But mostly it's about me. I have to do this, Richard."

"Addison… why? Let's not even begin to focus on your contract yet. Why do you want to leave your home? Your friends?"

"Richard, please, I need you to understand. I don't want to leave you guys. You're right, I have made a home for myself here. But I didn't make it on my own, I made it with Mark. I miss him."

"You're supposed to miss him."

"I can't do this here, now."

"Why?" Burke asked.

"Because, apparently, she can't really mourn for her husband if I'm by her side all the time."

"I think you're being quite presumptuous."

"Thanks, Preston. Nice of you to kick a man when he's already down."

"I mean. Obviously, you may have gone a little overboard with trying to be there for her and making sure her son wasn't fatherless…but I hardly believe you're the only reason she's leaving. I don't even think you're the main reason!"

"Then why is she leaving?!"

"Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night and I turn over in bed." Addison was speaking softly now and Richard didn't want to do anything that would make her close up. "And there's always this split second when I wonder where Mark is. He's supposed to be by my side when I roll over so I can lay on his chest. And then, the awful part comes. That moment when I remember he's dead and all I can see is his body broken on the floor…and then I have to wake up. I have to come to work, which is fine. But then…then I have to walk down the same road where he was killed. Then I go to the locker room and I see his locker and I remember all those times we were alone in there and…and when a plastic case comes over and the nurses call Doctor Mullony I just can't help thinking that that would be Mark's patient."

"Addie, I had no idea this was so hard for you."

"That's because I can't let everyone know. I have to get over all that and do my job, save babies and take care of my own. And then I see these new fathers holding their sons for the first time…" Richard put a comforting hand on Addison's arm when he noticed she was fighting the tears that threatened to fall. "Mark won't ever get to do that."

"I know, Addie."

"And I love you guys. I love you all so much. But I think that my being here right now is only making this harder."

"Sure, you probably made it harder, Derek. But you have to remember what she's gone through. She has a lot on her plate right now."

"I know that. I just…"

"You're feeling guilty," Preston stated, and Derek didn't deny it. "You feel guilty about her leaving, but you know you didn't do anything. What is really going on, Derek?"

"A lot of things."

"You're not fooling me. You want to talk. You love talking about your issues. Just tell me already. Maybe I can actually help you."

"I think I'm falling in love with her again." Preston stayed silent for a couple of minutes, and Derek began to worry that he was going to get decked. Finally, he noticed Preston smiling through his hand.

"You're really all abut the timing, aren't you?"

"I know the timing is not ideal, Richard. And I'm sorry. I know you have every right in the world to uphold my contract and make me stay…"

"We both know I'm not doing that, Addison. You're right, you need to get it together and heal. And you are on a time table here. Matt is not going to change his plans of arrival for our comfort."

"Yeah, he's kinda opinionated already." Richard was relieved to see Addison smile softly as she spoke of her son.

"See? No, I won't hold you hostage here. But I have a few conditions."

"Conditions?"

"I'm not rescinding your contract. You're too valuable to us."

"So…?"

"So, my dear, you're taking a leave of absence."

"A leave…?"

"Not deductible from your maternity leave."

"I don't understand…I'm going to New York."

"I know. You're going to New York, and you're going to let that annoying brother of yours take care of you. You'll rest and think of Mark and you'll cry a lot, but Addie, you'll heal. And once you've put yourself back together and you're in good enough shape to actually make decisions about your life, I want you to come back. And then you and I will talk and you'll tell me if you really want to move back to New York for good or you'd rather come back here. You're not alone, Addison, and the door is always open for you. Always."

"Thank you, Richard."

"You don't have anything to thank me for, Addison. You're family."

"We were a family, and it was easier back then." Derek looked wistful as he fondly remembered the days he had shared with Addison and Mark in New York. Everything had been so perfect then; too bad he hadn't realized what he'd had. "It wasn't even broken when Addie and I became a official family, you know? It was like, we were Addison and Derek, and we were a unit, but we were also Addison and Derek and Mark. I got the best of both worlds, the hot wife and my best bud, and they got along, so we could all hang out."

"And then…"

"And then I became absent and I walked in on them together and…my family was broken. I hated having them here at first. It was like putting a finger on an open wound; my family was here, but we weren't a family anymore."

"But you guys got better."

"Yeah, we did. And I was hoping…they were a unit, but that had worked for us before. I thought we could be Addison and Mark and Derek. I wanted to get it back. So did Mark."

"I'm sure Addison sees you as family too." Preston didn't quite know what to say. Derek could see his friend was confused. He couldn't know, he hadn't known them back then.

"Yeah. But I was wrong. I tried to make us a family again too soon after Mark's death. I didn't help her, as much as I tried. I made it harder." They were silent for a few moments. Burke was again at a loss for words, and Derek was tired after all the talking he had done already. But he knew that the most important conversation of the day was still ahead of him. Finally, Burke stood up and headed for the door. He stopped at the threshold and Derek glanced up at him, giving him his attention.

"Talk to her before she leaves." Derek nodded as Preston left his office, their cups of coffee long forgotten.

---A---A---A---

The day was finally over, and Addison was relieved. While she loved her work, the strain of the long hours was starting to catch up with her. She was ready to go home, lay in the bathtub for about an hour and then overindulge with chocolate while watching something mindless on TV.

Sadly, she didn't feel like she had earned the right yet.

She had one last thing to do, and she knew it would be the hardest she'd done all day. She had to talk to Derek, and she couldn't put it off anymore. She found him in the lobby, and since he had signed out about two hours before, she guessed he was waiting for her.

"Hey," she offered timidly. She knew Derek–she'd been married to the man for over a decade, so she knew there was no chance he hadn't figured out her decision yet.

"Hey. I…I called…"

"I should've called you back, I'm sorry…"

"No. It's okay, you don't have to apologize."

"I do. I'm sorry, my mind was just…"

"I figured."

"Yeah."

"Yeah." Silence. She hated the silence more than anything else. She especially hated the silence and awkwardness when she was standing next to a man who probably knew her better than any other man did.

Any other living man.

God, this was so hard.

She decided to take the bull by the horns.

"Derek, we need to talk."

"I know."

"Let's not do this here, please? I don't want the nurses walking around, trying to listen in…"

"I'll drive you home," he offered. She smiled and nodded. They made their way to her car silently, and she handed him her keys. That was one of Derek's most adorable Neanderthal quirks–there was no way he was not driving, even if it was her car. She didn't mind. She was tired and anxious; he could drive if it made him happy.

When they arrived at her house, she opened the door and let him in. They had been silent the whole time, and she was starting to freak out. How was she supposed to start this conversation? She motioned for him to make himself comfortable. He smiled and sat on the couch, accepting the iced tea she offered. She knew he was probably dying for a scotch but was abstaining since she couldn't drink. Once she returned from the kitchen, she sat down next to him.

There was no more stalling now.

They were doing this.

"So…I'm sorry I didn't return your call," Addison started.

"That's okay…I figured you needed the space. I was just so worried."

"I know. I should have called. Derek…this is so hard."

"I talked to Roan. I know."

"You…you talked to my brother? Again?"

"I sort of drunk dialed him. Long story, but when I saw you after Alex…I just knew…"

"I'm leaving."

"You were leaving," they both said at the same time.

"Yeah," she said, tears starting to well up in her eyes.

"Addison…do you…I mean, do you really have to…?"

"I do."

"I don't…" She could see he was struggling to find words. She guessed maybe he was trying to be the bigger person and not ask her to stay. But she could also see the pain in his eyes; she would have known even if he'd decided not to finish his sentence. "I don't want you to leave. Please, Addison, I'll do anything…just don't go."

"I have to, Derek. I'm so sorry, but I can't stay."

"Addie…I never…whatever I did."

"You didn't do anything. It was all me. I have to leave because of me…"

"But you can't go. You…I was going to be there for you."

"I know."

"I really want to be there for you, Addison. Please." Through her own tears, she could see the ones that were pooling in Derek's eyes. It was so hard, to see this proud wonderful man she had once thought she was going to spend the rest of her life with, begging. She hated seeing him like that…he deserved better. He was a good man, and he was crying and begging, and she could feel her resolve weakening.

But she couldn't give in. She had to do this for herself and Matt.

"I know Derek, and I really want to let you be…"

"Then why can't you stay? I know I maybe came on too strong and it was too soon. I should've given you more time and space but I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I figured that's what I should do…"

"Derek. Seriously. I'm not blaming you. Not for a thing. You were wonderful and I'm so lucky to have you in my life."

"Then why does it feel like you're running away from me?" She was shocked by the question, by the passion in his eyes. It took her a moment to find her voice.

"I'm not running away from you."

"Yes, you are. And I know a lot about running away, Addison. You're running away from me, from Seattle, from the past. You're running away from…"

"No!"

"You're running away from Mark!" Silence fell, and Derek's words hung between them. Tears were falling on both their cheeks.

"I'm…"

"Addison…"

"Maybe I am. I shouldn't, but maybe I am."

"I'm sorry I said it."

"No, Derek. You're right. I'm running away from Mark because I haven't made peace with his death yet. And being here is so hard…I need to get my act together, and I can't do it here. At least not yet."

"So you need to leave."

"So I need to leave." Silence again. She felt so tired. She wanted nothing more than to throw herself into his arms and allow his familiar presence to comfort her, but she couldn't. As much as she wanted to, she couldn't.

"Addison…I know the timing is probably wrong. Actually there's not a chance in hell the timing doesn't suck, but I need to tell you something. This is really important and I'm really sorry about making this even harder for you, but you need to listen to this before you make a decision."

"I already made a decision, Derek."

"Please, just… hear me out, okay?"

"Okay." She nodded, though panic started to grip at her.

"This…us, me helping you, it started out because of Mark. I wanted to make sure you were taken care of, because he was my brother and I owed to him. But it was also more. It was about you, because you were Addison and even when…you and Mark were my family, it was that simple. I had to take care of you, I wanted to, because you were Mark's wife and because you were Addison and I just couldn't…not."

"I know that."

"Yeah, but you don't know the rest. Addie…I've missed you so much, having you in my life, being able to talk to you and tell you I loved you…I have not being able to do that in such a long time and I really missed it."

"I missed you too."

"I know. But then everything got so confusing. It started to feel like so much more than…family…and friendship." The minute he said that, she felt her heart stop. The look in his eyes…he was looking at her so intently and his eyes looked huge and so pure. She knew that look. It had always been in his eyes, once upon a time. And for a moment, she felt elated. He was looking at her like he used to, he was telling her the things she had once wanted to hear so much. But it was overwhelming. This couldn't be happening. Not now. It wasn't fair.

"Please, Derek. Don't…"

"I broke up with Meredith. I thought about it over and over…I'm sorry, Addison. I told you my timing sucks…"

"Derek."

"Addie, I'm falling in love with you." She gasped. She wanted to kiss him and hit him at the same time.

"I'm sorry, Derek…"

"No, listen to me. I don't mean to pressure you and I'm not asking for us to get back together right now. I know it's too soon and I know you have a lot going on right now. I'm just saying… this is happening. I know what I'm feeling and I think…I think you know what I'm talking about."

"I'm not in love with you," she said harshly.

"No, you're in love with Mark, and you get to be in love with Mark. But I think that these weeks of us being together made you remember too. I think you loved being us again as much as I did. And I think that once you are done mourning Mark…you'll see you're feeling something for me again too."

"I…Derek, you're being cruel. You can't do this to me right now…"

"I'm sorry. I just couldn't let you go without knowing…I would've offered to go back to New York with you…"

"No!"

"But I won't. Because I know you're scared right now. I just wanted to let you know that this is real. I'm real. And once you're ready…Addie, we can be a family." She knew what Derek meant. She knew he loved her and that he just wanted to make sure she understood he would be waiting for her. But still, something inside of her imploded. As much as she had loved being with Derek again, she couldn't help but wonder abut his timing. About when he had changed and become her Derek again. She couldn't help herself; the words were out of her mouth before she even knew what she was saying.

"You don't want me, Derek! You haven't wanted me for years! You just want to be a father!" She would never, for as long as she lived, forget the pain on his face when she said that. Right that second, she could see Derek Shepherd's heart breaking. And as guilty as she felt, she couldn't deny that she'd harbored that fear for a long time now.

"Addison…" he whispered.

"What do you want, Derek? Do you really want me? Or do you just want to be Matt's father."

"I…"

"You can't be his father. He already has…had one. I need to make sure my son knows who Mark was. I can't let you take over, Derek."

"I don't…I don't want to take over." He sighed and faced her. "I'm sorry. I took over and I shouldn't have. I should've found a way to take care of you without taking Mark's place. And you're right, Mark is Matt's father and I respect that. Even if I fell in love with the idea…I love Matt, I won't deny that. I love you and I love Matt, but I know that I'm not his father." Addison nodded. She knew Derek always meant well. But this was a mistake the two of them had committed, and now she had to make it right, even if she hurt him. Even if she hurt herself.

"I know. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. But I'm not ready for this, Derek. Not now. And I…I don't know if I ever will be."

"W-why?" he asked in a whisper.

"Because I love you. I've always loved you. But I don't know if I can ever trust you that way again. And whoever I am with…becomes a very important part of my son's life."

"I can…"

"I know you can do it, Derek. You'll be a wonderful uncle but…anything else? I don't know if I can risk it."

"It's not a risk."

"It is, Derek. Can you promise you'll be there for the rest of his life? That you'll help me make sure he knows everything about Mark? You'll put your job second? You'll be there for him 24/7? Or you'll become indifferent once the novelty wears of? You'll take a plain and leave us? I can take it, Derek. I've already survived you. But I can't take that chance for my son."

"You were going to let me…"

"I'm going to let you be a part of his life, his uncle. But if you want us to be together…Derek, being a family is really different from what we talked about."

"I'm committed to this."

"I can't take the chance. And even if I could, I'm not ready. You need to let me go, Derek."

"I don't want to. I can be the man you need me to be."

"I'm sorry…"

"Are you saying…are you saying we'll never…?"

"I don't know. I'm saying I need to be on my own right now."

"And about…?"

"Matt? I don't know. I'm sorry, Derek. I just don't know right now. I can't make any promises."

"You're leaving," he said, and she could hear the resignation in his voice.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay." He stood up slowly and offered her one last sad smile before starting to the door. She could see him wiping the reminding tears from his eyes as she followed him, hugging her body. Once he reached the door, she opened it for him and moved to the side so he could leave.

He made it over the threshold before he turned around. Before she had a chance to react, he was kissing her. She could feel his arms around her body, and her hands immediately went to his chest, feeling his heartbeat fast and strong. She remembered his taste; she remembered the softness of his lips and had a second of conscious thought to realize how perfectly she fitted in his arms, even after all this time. The kiss was sweet and intense; it made her feel safe and scared at the same time. All she could think about was that this was Derek and they were kissing and it didn't feel bad. Not bad at all.

After a few moments, he pulled away but didn't let her go. He laid his forehead on hers, his eyes open and shining. She stared right at him, trembling between his arms.

"Listen," he whispered, never breaking the contact between them, "you go, you do what you need to do. I understand. But I'm not giving up. I know I have a lot of ground to make up for, but I will. I know I can be the man you need me to be, Addison. And whatever mistakes we made…no one can love you the way I do. No one else can love Matt as much as I do. So, go to New York, find your peace. I'll be here, working on becoming the man you deserve. Because I love you. I love both of you." With that, he planted one last kiss on her forehead and left.

Her heart was racing and her hands were shaking as she closed the door behind him.


	12. Chapter 12

Here's the next part; read and enjoy! Thanks a lot to my beta, Anjali and also thanks to all of you for your nice comments and reviews.

Chapter XII

"You have a lot of crap here." Addison smiled at her brother, throwing a pillow at him from the couch. They were packing her things for the big move, and although she had to agree that she indeed had a lot of crap, she didn't appreciate the comment. Roan had arrived in Seattle almost two weeks ago, and they'd had the chance to reconnect and talk things through. At the end, Addison decided she wanted to go back to New York, although on a trial basis. Her conversation with Richard had helped her a lot; knowing she still had a place to come back when she was ready had been wonderful reassurance. They would leave for New York in another couple of days, once her place was packed up.

"Shut up. I need everything in here."

"Seriously? The eight hundred shoes from hell are now a 'need'?"

"Of course," she answered matter-of-factly, and smiled in amusement as her brother laughed.

"This house is awesome, by the way," Roan stated. He was right. It was a two-story house, with a beautiful garden in the front, wood floors and exquisite furniture.

"I know."

"I'm glad you're not selling it or anything. You may have use for it soon." Roan smiled at her. Since she wasn't sure where she would live after the baby was born, she'd decided to keep the house. Callie was moving in while she was in New York, having grown tired of the hotel. So there was no need to put her furniture in storage, which was convenient, and Callie had even insisted on taking one of the spare rooms instead of the master bedroom, in case Addison wanted to move back in.

"Yeah. I guess."

"So, your friends coming tonight?"

"Yeah. Callie organized this last-minute moving thing. They're coming to pretend to help us pack the last of my things."

"Nice of them to show after the work is mostly done." Roan snickered and Addison smacked his arm.

"Shut up, they're nice."

"I bet they are. But if they're coming tonight, let's just stop dealing with your shoes. Please?"

"I don't know, Rory…"

"Honey, seriously. You shouldn't even be…"

"Don't! Roan Forbes Montgomery…"

"Man, my whole name. I must be screwed."

"…don't you DARE tell me I 'shouldn't be doing a thing.' I'm…"

"Pregnant, not sick and not dying. Pregnant. Women have been doing this since the dawn of time!" Roan mimicked the speech she had been reciting for the last couple of months, which earned him another pillow in the face.

"Rory!"

"I'm sorry, Addie. But seriously, I get it. I just want you to rest a little bit more anyway. You don't need to be dealing with this stuff, okay? That's sort of the whole point of my being here."

"I know." Addison sighed, sitting on the couch and caressing her belly.

"You guys okay over there?" Roan asked, sitting next to her on the couch. He put his hand over hers and she smiled at him.

"Yes. I'm fine. I just feel…weird, you know?"

"I guess I would feel weird too with like, a person, inside of me." She laughed and moved her hand, allowing him to rest his directly on her belly. "Seriously, Addie. Are you feeling okay? You have being so sick lately…"

"Morning sickness is normal at fourteen weeks, Rory."

"The headaches? The cramping? Those are normal, too?"

"Yeah. Mildly annoying, but normal. I promise."

"Good. I just…I don't really know much about this stuff. I want to make sure everything is the way it should be. Regarding the pregnancy, I mean." He smiled sadly at her and Addison just nodded. One good thing about having her brother around was the fact that she could openly mourn for what she had lost. Mark and Roan had been good friends for years; Mark always mocked Derek that his own brother-in-law liked him better…_No._ Addison thought, _I'm not thinking about Derek now._

"It's okay. I feel fine. Tired, but fine."

"You feel different," Roan commented after a few moments of patting her belly.

"That's creepy coming from my brother." She laughed as he smacked her on the arm.

"I mean your stomach feels different, psycho. But you're not really showing yet."

"Really? I think I am." She stood up and walked to the mirror positioned in the living room, side facing the mirror so she could see the slight curve of her body. She could see the difference. Most people looking would only think that she'd put on a few pounds; this being her first pregnancy, she hadn't gained too much weight. But she was definitely showing--at least she could tell now she was pregnant.

"You look great either way. You have the whole glowing thing going on."

"Seriously?" she asked, not really seeing it. "Maybe it's the sweating from the vomiting and hot flashes."

"You're totally taking the magical thing away from your pregnancy, you get that, right?" She laughed as he teased her, more sure than ever that he was what she needed. She was just so glad to have him back.

"Sorry, Rory. I'll try to make my pregnancy as magical and wonderful as you need it to be."

"That's better." He laughed and put his arm around her as she sat back down. She closed her eyes and rested her head on his shoulder, feeling more content than she had in a long time.

"I think I'm going to take a power nap, if you don't mind."

"Go ahead, Addie. I want you as rested as possible, so tomorrow we can go the hospital for your ultrasound."

"Rory…" She started to protest, but Roan cut her off.

"Don't even try, Addie. You postponed your twelve-week appointment, and I have being reading up on this whole pregnancy thing."

"You have?" she asked, amused.

"I have indeed. Turns out you need to see your ob-gyn once a month for the first trimester, and that you need to have a second ultrasound between the twelfth and fourteenth weeks of pregnancy. And considering you're over thirty-five years old, you need to be really careful."

"Okay, ouch. Seriously, you needed to call me old?"

"You know what I mean. We are _not_ boarding a plane until you have your doctor's clearance. This is your specialty; you should know this stuff way better than I do. We're going in tomorrow, got it?"

"Got it." She got up and was heading toward the staircase when his voice stopped her in her tracks.

"Addie?"

"Yeah?"

"If you prefer to go with someone else…like Callie or, you know…"

"Don't go there, Rory."

"You were planning to go with him in the first place."

"Just…we'll go tomorrow. Can I go now?" she asked impatiently, longing for the time when her brother thought Derek Shepherd should always be a couple of miles away from his baby sister.

"Fine." He sighed and let the matter drop, for which she was grateful. She had made it up to the top of the stairs when she decided to annoy her brother a little bit more.

"Rory?" she asked innocently.

"Yeah, sweetie?" She heard the affection in his tone and almost felt guilty for what she was about to do.

"That whole thing about my stomach feeling different?"

"Yeah?" He walked to the bottom of the staircase so he could look her in the eye.

"Yeah, that was my uterus." She left, running to her room in a fit of laughter, and she could hear her brother screaming from the first floor.

"Oh, Addison! Why the hell would you tell me that?!! Eww! Man! Not cool, Addison!!"

A

Derek Shepherd was at a crossroads.

He had decided that it was time to make changes in his life. That was a really hard notion for him; he honestly could say that he hated change. Sure, he had packed up his life in New York and started a whole new life in Seattle and it had turned out fine. Still, considering that he had only moved after finding his wife of eleven years cheating on him with his best friend, change sucked.

But he knew that change was the only thing that would get his life where he wanted it to be.

He stood outside, on the beautiful land he had acquired after leaving Addison. In front of him was his trailer. It was a ridiculously small trailer. It was rusty and it was cramped; his clothes didn't even fit properly inside, so he had most of them in bins on the porch. The trailer was full of memories, not all of them good. He had had some good times with Meredith in the trailer, he had rebuilt himself in his trailer. It was the first thing in a long time that he had had that was just 'Derek'–not 'Addison and Derek,' not 'Derek the son' or 'Derek the brother.' The trailer was supposed to be just 'Derek,' and that was good. But he had also emotionally tortured Addison in the trailer. He had broken his wife to the point that she didn't know who she was anymore. And if there was no 'Addison,' he realized belatedly, there was no way there was a 'Derek.'

But the fact of the matter was he loved his trailer, and he didn't want to give it up.

There was no way in hell Addison would ever agree to live in the trailer again. Never. No chance.

He sat on the small porch he had built, beside his huge clothes-bins, and opened a beer. This was not going to be easy.

He hadn't talked to Addison for two weeks. All he knew was that Roan had arrived and was currently staying with her. He knew he was helping her pack up her things in order to move to New York, so it was happening. He had also heard some talk between Miranda Bailey and Callie Torres that they were getting together at Addison's house…some packing-party, or something. He knew she was doing fine and that she was leaving town. That was it.

He had been dying to call her since their last conversation, which had ended in Addison telling him she was not interested in a relationship and his promising to fight for her and wait for her. Two weeks later, he was starting to feel more like himself than he had felt in years. He had remembered who he used to be; once upon a time, he'd been a sweet and caring man. He would surprise his wife with breakfast in bed, he would make the time to take her to dinner and dancing, he would look for the latest shows on Broadway because he knew she loved them. He would never leave the house without telling Addison he loved her. Truth be told, he had been a man way better than he was now. At some point, he had stopped. He suddenly became distant and apathetic; he put on his drive into becoming the best on his field and left Addison to fend for herself. That was not strictly accurate–Addison hadn't been alone and he'd known she wouldn't be. Mark had been there to pick up the pieces and up until the affair, Derek had thought it was a rather comfortable settlement. For him, anyway.

But now…now Derek had to convince Addison that he was the man she used to love. He was not kidding himself; he knew she would be leaving soon, and he had promised to let her go. He hoped against all hope that he would be able to fulfill that promise. But that didn't change a thing; nothing could change how he felt. He needed to make changes in his life so that one day he would be able to prove Addison that he'd meant everything he said. He loved her and he wanted to be there for her, so he wanted to let his actions speak for themselves.

Which unfortunately brought him back to his current predicament.

He knew Addison hated, H-A-T-E-D, the trailer, and rightfully so. After all, he had done his best to make sure the trailer was a hateful place for her. The next logical step in rebuilding himself would be to give up the trailer and buy a decent house. He could even build one on his land…

"Wait a minute…" Derek muttered to himself, thinking of something that could solve both problems at once. He was hellbent on proving to Addison that he could be a family man, that he could be a good partner for her and, eventually, a good stepfather to Matthew. But maybe buying a house was not the way to do it…he had already done that once. Addison wanted them to spent more time together, so he'd bought her a house in the Hamptoms that he hated and was always too busy to go to anyway; Addison wanted him to remember the things that were important to her, so he'd given her diamonds three days after their anniversary. It was easier to buy her things that she would like than to give her the support that she needed.

Addison had already bought a house and, according to Callie Torres, she was not selling it. She had a home and he knew that she had bought that house in particular because it was closer to where Mark had wanted them to raise their baby. Addison didn't need a house, she wanted a home. He could buy himself a thousand houses and show them to her, claiming that he was an adult now. That was what he wanted to do, not what she needed. He was doing it again. Addison had a house, she had a life; he wasn't supposed to incorporate her into his world, he was supposed to convince her that he could fit in hers.

Addison wouldn't want him to change the things he loved about himself for the sole reason of getting him back. She needed to see that he was considerate and sweet, that he was willing to be there for her. He needed to show her that he was changing for himself, and for the better.

He had made his land and his trailer a place Addison had every right to hate. But the land was beautiful, and he did love the trailer. They were a part of who he was now. He smiled at the sudden light of inspiration: just like himself, the trailer was not solely what Addison had known. It was different from her usual and sometimes unpleasant, but it was essentially a nice place. Just like himself, underneath the bad memories associated with his land and trailer, there was a great place that she could potentially love. All he had to do was show Addison that this place she hated could become just what she needed, a place she could love. Not a replacement for her house or something to change her way of living, but part of her life all the same.

_Yeah, irony sucks,_ he thought to himself. For the moment, it would be easier molding the land and the trailer into something new. He could do this, he knew he could. A voice in his head told him that if Addison could actually let go of her hatred of the trailer and come to love his place, there was a chance she would be able to forgive him one day and love him again.

A

"Are you serious about the shoes?" Addison laughed as Preston Burke held one of her favorite pairs of black heels in his hand like it was a foreign and potentially dangerous object.

"Deathly serious," she replied, "Those shoes are killers."

"For your feet, I bet they are," he mumbled as he packed the shoes inside a huge box, already almost full of more shoes.

"Addison, once again, thank you for letting me crash your place." Callie Torres entered the room with a grin on her face, carrying a box of books. "This house is so awesome."

"Like you couldn't afford a place of your own," she muttered jokingly under her breath when Callie walked past her, earning her a shove and a glare. She was having a great time with her friends and her brother in the house. The last of her things were finally getting packed, and the last of Callie's stuff was finding its place in the guest room. And more importantly, she was laughing and joking and having fun. Maybe today would actually be a good day.

"Hey, guys! Pizza's here!" Roan popped his head into the room, announcing the arrival of the long-awaited food. Pizza wasn't something she would normally indulge in, but cravings were a wonderful excuse to have fast food. The fact that no one was going to argue with a pregnant woman–even though Miranda would rather go for Chinese and she knew Burke was a gourmet-lover–was an added bonus.

Addison smiled at her friends and hurried to the living room, Burke and Callie trailing behind her. She arrived to find two extra-cheese pizzas on the coffee table. Roan was getting the plates while her friends slowly made themselves comfortable on the couches. Richard and Adele were sitting on the biggest couch, Richard pretending to be annoyed with the silliness going on around him. Adele was loving it. Miranda Bailey and her husband Tucker Jones were on the smaller couch, baby Tuck comfortably in Miranda's arms and Tucker smiling at them both. Addison made herself comfortable on the loveseat as her brother claimed the armchair after bringing out the plates. Callie came in carrying a tray with drinks for everyone –orange juice for Addison– and Burke came carrying a couple of chairs from the dining room so he and Callie could sit down. Izzie Stevens and Alex Karev had been invited as well, but they had opted out since Alex was still recovering. Still, Izzie had called to apologize again to Addison, even though the redhead assured her no apologies were needed. She was glad Izzie was sticking with Alex for the duration, and she was even gladder that Alex was letting her.

Roan presented her with two huge slices of pizza, and she accepted them with a smile. Everyone was making small talk and sharing embarrassing stories with the group. Two hours later, Callie and Roan were sitting on the rug in front of the coffee table, Preston was chatting comfortably with Tucker Jones, and Adele was searching through Addison's CD collection to find something that would fit the mood. Baby Tuck had gotten sleepy and therefore cranky, so Miranda and Addison went to put him down in her bedroom.

They entered the bedroom, the only room that hadn't been visibly affected by the packing. Addison kept it neat, and the only things out of place were a couple of medical journals on the bedside table and a photo album she had been looking over that morning.

"You can put him on the bed," Addison offered, arranging the pillows to create a Tuck-sized space.

"Thanks," Bailey answered, laying the toddler in between the pillows. Addison watched as her usually unemotional friend gently patted her son's head and gave him a soft kiss on the cheek. She smiled, watching the interaction between mother and son, her hand instinctively covering her stomach. In about twenty-six more weeks, she would be putting her own baby to sleep every night. That thought alone made her feel happier than she had felt in a long time, even though she would be without Mark.

"You okay?" Bailey asked, obviously noticing Addison staring intently at the small child on the bed.

"Yeah…yeah, I'm fine. Just…"

"Overwhelmed?"

"Yes." Addison laughed and looked at her friend, who was smiling knowingly. Miranda Bailey's smiles were always knowing. As she loved to remind everyone, she knew everything.

"You're not scared about being a mother," Miranda stated. "You know you'll be great at it."

"I _am_ scared. Just not scared of giving birth. But mostly I think I'm back to looking forward to it."

"At some point you weren't?"

"I always wanted my baby, don't get me wrong. But after Mark died, I sort of stopped looking forward to it and just worried about everything. I was more upset than anything about Matt not getting to know his father and I forgot I actually was looking forward to having a baby…you're staring…" Addison trailed off when she noted her friend was staring proudly at her. "What's wrong?"

"You said it."

"I said what?"

"You said 'after Mark died.'" Addison hadn't even noticed She had actually said it. And this time, her heart hadn't broken.

"I did, didn't I?" she asked, more to herself than to Bailey.

"Yes you did. Are you okay with that?"

"I think I am." She almost smiled. "I've said it before, but this time…it just…" Addison was having trouble wording her thoughts. Was it suddenly okay that Mark was dead? Was she happier today than she had been yesterday? Didn't she miss her husband anymore? What did it mean?

"It hurt less?" Bailey offered.

"Yes. I mean…I didn't even notice I had said it. I should notice, you know? I mean, it's not an ordinary thing to say…how on earth could I just say it so freely? What is the matter with me?" Addison was becoming worked up. She was afraid her tone was rising and that she was going to wake up Tuck. Bailey must have picked up on her friend's sudden distress, because she took her gently by the arm and guided her outside. She didn't let go until she had taken Addison into Callie's new room. The redhead sat on the unmade bed and took a deep breath.

"Addison, it's okay."

"It's not okay."

"Yes it is. It had to happen at some point."

"It's too soon. I shouldn't be doing this."

"Doing what?"

"This! Having a good time with my friends! Laughing and teasing you guys. I'm eating pizza and making jokes and now I hear music from downstairs. I shouldn't be doing this, I'm a widow."

"It's not too soon. And you're still grieving, but Addison, you're not dead. You're moving on. You're finally getting to the point where you can talk about Mark and be okay with it. That's a good thing."

"You think it is?" Addison asked in a small voice, facing Bailey as the shorter woman took a seat beside her.

"Yes it is. You're going to have to do it a lot with the little one if you want him to know his dad. This is good." Addison took another deep breath before attempting a smile.

"You're right. This is good. It's getting better. I'm getting better."

"Good girl."

"And sorry about the almost freak-out, I'm blaming the hormones."

"A good thing about pregnancy: you can get away with murder and blame the hormones." She laughed and her friend patted her on the knee before they stood and walked to the door.

"Miranda?" she asked as Bailey opened the door.

"Yeah?" Bailey asked, turning on the threshold to face her.

"Thank you. For everything. For being there for me and helping with the move. Just…thank you."

"No problem." Not the type to dwell on compliments, she nodded. They walked to the staircase. "Nice digs, by the way," Bailey complimented her friend as they made their way down the stairs.

"Thanks. But truth be told, I liked the penthouse better."

"Really? Why?"

"_You better not run me into anything, Mark!" she threatened as they walked slowly, his hands covering her eyes. She knew this was a really romantic thing to do; he wanted her to be surprised when they crossed the threshold of their new penthouse. The place where the newl- engaged Mark Sloan and Addison Montgomery were going to spend the rest of their lives together. She loved him and she was insanely happy about this new adventure between them. Still, he could be quite clumsy, and she was terrified he would run her into a wall._

"_Have a little faith in me!" he replied. "And if worse comes to worst, you do have the best plastic surgeon in the country at your beck and call."_

"_Okay, and that's supposed to be a relief how?"_

"_We're almost there, Addison. Just hang in there a little bit longer."_

"_Fine." She sighed and allowed him to keep guiding her. He made her stop after a few more steps, and she could hear him fumbling for his keys with the hand that wasn't covering her eyes._

"_You could have used a blindfold, you know?" she pointed out._

"_Yeah, well, I didn't think that far ahead. And stop telling me how to sweep you off your feet."_

"_Fine!" she answered curtly as he finally opened the door and guided her through it. "You're being so touchy! I'm just…!" Her tirade died in her throat as Mark finally removed his hand from her eyes. She was shocked, to say the least. Awed. He had asked her to move in with him two weeks ago. She had been surprised at how quickly he had managed to find a place for them, but as she looked around, she was beyond words. Somehow, he had managed not only to find the perfect place for them, but also the perfect furniture, accessories, everything. Everything about the beautiful penthouse screamed 'New York' and 'Mark and Addison.'_

_The house was decorated in off- white, so the room was full of light. Mark had clearly gone for a modern style that somehow also managed to make the place feel both elegant and warm. The black and white furniture provided beautiful contrast to the wood floors. She stepped slowly into her new living room, taking in the huge windows and the comfortable white couches in front of an enormous flat-screen TV. Part of the floor was covered with an inviting rug, and the standing lamps next to the couches made the arrangement just perfect._

"_Oh, my god! Mark!" She finally managed to form words as she threw herself into her fiancé's arms. He was happy to receive her as Addison's legs snaked around his waist, pulling him closer as she kissed him long and hard._

"_So, you approve?" he asked once their lips were parted, still a little out of breath and panting._

"_Are you kidding me? Mark, this is beautiful!" She actually giggled, darting to the bedroom as soon as he put her down. "Oh God! The closet is huge!" she squealed, before becoming completely appalled with herself for acting like a teenager. She ran back into the living room, where Mark was now comfortably sitting on their new sofa._

"_We needed someplace to put that insanely enormous collection of shoes you've got."_

"_The bed is beautiful! And I love that little breakfast table by the windows! And the bathroom! Mark, this place is incredible! Thank you, thank you, thank you!" She threw herself back into his arms, straddling his lap, showering him with soft kisses._

"_I wanted this to feel like your home as soon as you came through the door." He grinned, his arms resting loosely around her waist, giving her the boyish grin that made her go weak in the knees. "I wanted us to be able to move in here right away without having to worry about the whole decorating thing for months…"_

"_How did you manage this, though? You got the place two weeks ago and it's already…perfect. How did you do it? You just bought the place two weeks ago, right?"_

"_Yeah. But…I kinda had the furniture already figured out."_

"_Seriously?" she asked, smiling as his cheeks became flushed._

"_Kinda. The hotel is near this awesome décor place…I was thinking about proposing, and I figured we would move out of the hotel when you said yes…"_

"'_When?' I could have said no, you know?"_

"_Not a chance, you love me."_

"_Jerk." She laughed, unable to refute his claim._

"_Anyway…" she smiled as he ignored her comment, "I just, you know, went in there one day. I got to looking at all the stuff they had in there. I fell in love with the bedroom set and I started figuring out what other pieces could be a match. I went into the store every so often to see if they had gotten what I had in mind until one day one of the sellers just begged me to tell him what I wanted so I would stop going there all the time 'just to look.' I told him what I had in mind and I told him about you. How beautiful and elegant you are, all classy and unique, and I think the guy actually got it, because he started looking for things for us. Whenever they got something he thought would be good for us, he would call me. So…"_

"_So, you put our place together." She smiled, blinking to stop the tears that was threatening to form in her eyes. He was so thoughtful…sometimes she had trouble connecting the image of the man-boy that slept around in New York with this Prince Charming who made her melt. Maybe they'd all finally grown up. Her smile grew as she truly realized that this time, it was good between them._

"_I did. I wanted everything to be perfect for us. For you."_

"_It is. I love you, Mark." She leaned forward to kiss him again. Slowly this time, tasting his lips, letting him know that she was his. She did her best to convey how blessed she felt that she had him in his life and how committed she was to making it work between them. She wanted to convince him with her kiss that he was the only man she really wanted to be with and that she would spend the rest of her life trying to be the woman she wanted to be for him. She wanted Mark to know that she once again believed in soulmates and happily-ever-afters, and it was all because of him._

"_I love you too," he answered when she pulled back. He cupped her cheek and kissed her forehead as she smiled contentedly._

"_We're going to be so happy in here," she murmured before moving in to kiss him again._

"Because…it was home. It was our home."

"Addison, wherever you go, Mark's still in there somewhere. Even if you make a new home for yourself, Mark is there with you, okay?"

Addison just nodded. She knew that her friend was right, but she couldn't think of a response. Walking into the living room, she smiled. Roan had somehow managed to convince Adele to dance; she could tell her friend was rather taken with the brother, much to Richard's annoyance. Her mentor sat with his arms crossed as Roan dipped Adele in the middle of the room, causing the older woman to giggle like a schoolgirl. Callie was sitting beside him on the couch, obviously teasing him about his wife's interest in younger men. Preston and Tucker were laughing at something one of them had said, but both lifted their eyes as Miranda and Addison made their way back into the room. Tuck immediately went to his wife's side, and Burke walked right to Addison.

"You okay?" he asked.

"People just gotta stop asking me that." She laughed, trying to get back into a good mood.

"Sorry. Wanna dance?" he asked, motioning to Roan and Adele.

"Seriously?" she asked, clearly excited at the prospect.

"Come here." Addison grinned as her friend started swirling her around the room. She caught her brother's eye, and he winked at her, causing her to laugh and point at Adele gazing at him adoringly. He laughed back and turned his attention back to his dancing partner.

Miranda was right.

She was healing, and it was a good thing.

A

This was wrong. He was giving her space; she had all but begged him to give her space. He should be doing just that, like he had managed to do so far. Nevertheless, here he was now, sitting in his car outside her house, like a stalker in the night. Preston Burke had been the last one to leave the party, well after midnight. As far as he knew, Addison was accompanied only by Roan and Callie, both of whom he knew without a doubt would be more than ready to kick his behind.

She was leaving. He had to do this before she left…

He wanted to do this before she left. He wanted to talk to her again and remind her that he loved her. He wanted to tell her how much thought he was putting into becoming a better man for her. He wanted to make sure she knew he hadn't forgotten what he had told her. He needed her to know that he had meant every single word and the kiss he had stolen from her.

He wanted to show her he was changing because he loved her. Part of him wanted to believe that he could convince her to stay by just talking. He wanted to tell her what he was planning to do; he wanted to tell her about the trailer, so maybe she would stay because he was trying.

Then again, the last time he had promised her he was trying, things hadn't gone particularly well.

_That's your problem, Shepherd, _he thought to himself, _you do one thing and you feel like you deserve a prize._

He had to leave. He had to leave before it was too late. Addison needed space and he wanted to give her space. He just couldn't bear the thought of her maybe forgetting him.

So…Derek was still sitting in his car, holding the stirring wheel with white knuckles. He felt like the most clichéd version of Hamlet…_Come on, just decide!_ He had a choice to make: he could either start his car and leave, or he could get out, walk up the driveway and knock on the door.

He wanted to knock on her door; he needed to knock on her door.

But this wasn't about either what he wanted or needed; this was about Addison. Talking to him was hard on her at the moment. He didn't want to injure her peace of mind. He didn't want to be that selfish guy anymore.

_I gotta get the hell out of here._ He was going to become a better man even if it killed him. He took a deep breath and started his car, not even looking back at the house. He was about to change gears when a knock on his window made him turn.

_Crap!_ He stopped the car and sighed. Of course this would happen. He was Derek, after all, there was no way in hell he was going to get a break! He opened the door of his car and climbed out.

"Roan," he greeted the taller man. His ex-brother-in-law was holding a trashbag in one hand and an empty bottle in the other, a mildly annoyed expression on his face.

"Are you kidding me?" Roan asked, raising his occupied hands.

"I was just leaving."

"You were stalking. That's plain creepy. You were stalking your ex-wife. What are you doing, Shepherd?"

"Having a little breakdown?" He tried to smile, but Roan just raised an eyebrow. The expression was one that Derek was extremely familiar with after years of knowing Addison.

"Dude…"

"I'm sorry, okay? I'm trying here! She wanted space, I'm giving her space!"

"I have the feeling that she meant more space than her front garden!"

"She's leaving for New York; she'll have plenty of space there!"

"Are you back to being an ass?" Derek sighed. The other man was right. He was not in any position to make claims or statements. The truth of the matter was that he had been about to make a huge mistake, and Roan had caught him in the act. He wasn't allowed to get mad. He had to explain.

"No. I'm sorry, you're right. I shouldn't be here. Did she…?"

"No, she didn't see you. She just turned in; it was kind of a big day."

"Yeah, I bet." Silence. Derek was more than ready to embrace the silence.

"What are you doing here?" So much for silence.

"I just…I was leaving. Okay? I was just leaving. She's being avoiding me and I have let her have her space. I have been doing what I told her I would! I've been thinking and changing and growing up. I've given her space while I become the man that she needs me to be. But today it just…it just hit me that she's leaving tomorrow, and I wanted to say good-bye. But we already said good-bye, so I just wanted to see her. I wanted to talk to her to make sure she knew I was still waiting on her. But I don't think she's strong enough for us to talk again yet. So…I want to knock on the door and talk to her, but I won't. I love her. So I'm going to get into my car and drive away. Because I love her." Derek prayed that his eyes weren't visibly filling; he'd never considered expressing his feelings a weakness, but he sure as hell didn't want to break down in front of Roan Montgomery!

"Okay," Roan answered, relenting.

"Okay," Derek sighed, "Okay." He turned to open the car door.

"She's been sick," Roan whispered. That got Derek's attention.

"What?" He immediately went into Doctor Mode.

"Morning sickness. She says it's normal."

"It is."

"Good. She's had a couple of really strong headaches and has been more tired than normal. Tough days."

"I bet." Derek didn't know what had gotten into the other man, but he didn't want to risk reminding Roan of his supposed hatred. He wanted to know more about Addison.

"Yeah. Emotionally, though, she's better. She's starting to digest everything. She's…she's moving forward. She still has a long way to go, but it's starting to feel like she's taking steps forward."

"Good."

"Tomorrow morning I'm talking her for her appointment."

"The one she missed?"

"Yeah. I just need to make sure she's fine before putting her on a plane. She's nervous, but I think she'll be okay."

"Don't hover. Give her breathing room. But remember she really needs you there to hold her hand. Just…you know…"

"Do it on her terms?"

"Yeah." Derek laughed.

"Yeah." Roan echoed. They were silent for a couple of minutes. Derek was about to suggest that Roan go back inside–he was afraid Addison would catch them–when the other man spoke again. "You broke her heart. I want to murder you."

"I know." Derek was surprised that he hadn't seen this coming, but he didn't fight it. As far as he could tell, Roan had every right to have his say.

"You abandoned her. I would call her and she was always alone. You were at the hospital and she would always try to convince me that she was okay, that you just worked a lot. I knew she was always trying to hide that she had been crying when I called her."

"Why didn't you come to kick my ass?"

"Honestly? I was about ready to do it but then I called and she seemed…better. She didn't talk about you but she seemed better. I didn't realize then…"

"What? What didn't you realize?"

"She had started hanging out with Mark. She was no longer alone. You had given up on her but she had Mark to make her laugh. Had I known what would happen next…hell, I should have known. I should have hopped on a plane and taken her with me."

"She's not a little kid anymore, Roan. You can't protect her from her life. She wouldn't have gone with you; we were married."

"I know. But I should've been there."

"I should've been there, too," Derek muttered.

"I regret that I wasn't there for her when she needed me. But you? You hurt her on purpose. Why?"

"I don't know. I took everything out on her, I guess, all my frustrations…I figured it was easier hating her than hating myself. It didn't really work," Derek admitted. He could feel the guilt and shame setting on his shoulders again. There were so much regret between him and Addison…but he could make it better. He had to believe that he could make it better, that there was still hope.

"I don't know if she should trust you."

"I don't know either. I hope she'll be able to trust me again, though. I'm trying, Roan. I'm really trying."

"I know. If you're really trying, you need to get into your car and drive away before she sees you again and has a breakdown."

"Right." Derek got into his car.

"Derek?" Roan called before he had a chance to leave, "Keep working on becoming a man half worthy of her. She loves you and you love her. But remember, she's gone through a lot in these last few years. You've put her through a lot. She's healing, and she's trying so hard to be okay; you don't get to screw that up. And while you're working on yourself, remember she's not the whole package here. You need to be a man who can actually be a good partner for her, but you also have to be a man that my nephew can look up to."

"I know."

"No, you don't. A baby means you don't come first ever again. A baby means that if you hurt Addison, you are costing Matt his mother and his stability. If she lets you into the baby's life, it's a gift. Don't mess it up again, because this time, I'm going to stick around. You make her cry one more time…you're dealing with me." The look on Roan's face didn't leave Derek any doubt that he was more than ready to make good on his threat. He didn't blame him; he would do the same if a man treated any of his sisters as badly as he had treated Addison.

"I won't mess this up. I know what I stand to lose this time." Roan nodded curtly and Derek was about to leave when he had an idea. "Roan?"

"Yeah?" Derek reached for a brown envelope in the backseat of his car. He had to give Addison her space…but he also wanted to make her feel loved. He may not be there to see her face or plead his case, but she would understand. Maybe she would even smile. That was all he needed. "Give it to her. After you board the plane." Roan took the envelope but eyed it cautiously.

"Am I going to regret giving it to her?"

"No. I promise." Finally, Roan nodded.

"See ya, Shepherd."

"Take care of her, Montgomery." Derek turned on his car and left Addison's street. It hurt not being able to hold her in his arms. He was missing out on precious time with her, but he had to. Addison would leave, and he would not be there to kiss her good-bye or remind her he loved her, but it didn't matter. The envelope would make sure she knew. And by letting her be, he knew he was one step closer to being the man Roan described. The man he wanted to be.

A

"Are you ok over there?" Izzie Stevens asked as Addison lay anxiously on the examination table. Her young student was looking at her like she was having the time of her life, having Addison at her mercy for once. Izzie had an evil grin on her face, and Addison felt proud that she was teaching her so well.

"This side of the table is not a lot of fun," Addison muttered, earning a laugh from Roan. Her brother had woken her up at 7:00 A.M. with her clothes in one hand and crackers in the other. She had accepted the crackers and gone to her closet to pick out something for herself; there was no way Addison Forbes Montgomery-Sloan was going to get caught wearing something that a boy had picked. They had left the house around 8:00, leaving Callie snoring away. Her suitcases were completely packed, all her belongings were in order–she was actually ready to catch her plane. Said plane was leaving that very same afternoon. She knew there were a thousand things regarding the trip she should be worrying about, but right that second, all she could think about was the small baby growing in her belly and what was going on in the exam room.

"I'll spare you the cold jelly speech." Izzie smiled at her as Addison nodded. She couldn't help but gasp when the jelly made contact with her skin. Immediately Roan walked closer to her and took her hand in his. She knew that she had no reason to be concerned yet, but she was still holding her breath from nervousness. She was about to see her baby, and she knew if something was not right, there was no way on earth she was going to be able to deal with it. After the life she had had, she deserved her child to be okay.

"Addie, look!" Roan's excited voice pulled her out of her thoughts. She was avoiding looking directly at the screen in front of her; she'd never imagined that this whole process would be so nerve-wracking. Right then, she promised herself to be even kinder to her expectant mothers from now on. She took a deep breath and faced the monitor.

She was immediately out of breath.

The high-resolution 3D image in front of her was quite possibly the most beautiful thing she had ever laid eyes upon. She could see quite clearly her child's small body, and she was suddenly shocked anew with the realization that there was a whole person inside of her. Her eyes went immediately to where the small head was, and she couldn't help the tears that fell down her cheeks as she saw the outline of his face. His little arms went to cover his face, making her laugh through her tears.

"Someone's shy," Izzie commented. Addison barely registered her words, too busy trying to memorize every single detail of her baby's body.

"He's really in there," she heard her voice whispering. Not a second passed before both Izzie and Roan began to snicker.

"And I bring to you the foremost neonatal specialist in the country."

"Don't blame her." Roan laughed, "I was scared it would turn out to have horns and a tail too."

"Not funny, guys!" she protested, her eyes never breaking contact with the screen.

"Okay," Izzie was suddenly all business, "here it is. No abnormal bleeding, no ovarian or placental abnormalities. Let's check the heartbeat." Without missing a beat, Izzie turned on the volume of the sonogram machine, and a steady and strong heartbeat filled the room.

"Oh my God…" This time Roan was the one choking up, and Addison felt his fingers tighten even more around hers.

"Heartbeat's good, great movement too. Everything looks great so far."

"It's perfect," Addison muttered, "He's perfect."

"And you'll be glad to know he is indeed a he." Izzie smiled at Addison, who nodded. _Thank you for letting him be a boy. Mark wanted a boy._ Addison laughed out loud when Roan started complaining that he couldn't see a thing, and it took Izzie about five minutes to get him to see that he was going to have indeed a nephew.

"I guess there's a reason you're the doctor in the family," he muttered, dropping a gentle kiss on Addison's forehead. "He's so beautiful."

"Yeah." She was still so in awe that she didn't even bother to point out that Roan was having problems distinguishing the baby's head from his feet. Whether he could see it or not, Roan was right. The baby was beautiful. If she tried hard enough, she was sure she could convince herself that he looked like Mark, even though the doctor in her knew that distinguishing individual features that closely wasn't possible yet.

Izzie allowed her to gaze adoringly at her son for a while longer before handling her some paper towels to clean off her stomach and turning the machine off. Addison was given a CD with her son's first video and a couple of pictures of the ultrasound; Roan insisted that he needed his own copy, and Izzie good-naturedly indulged him. Addison took a while longer saying good-bye to her young protégé. Izzie looked rather terrified about losing her mentor, but Addison assured her she was more than ready to break out on her own. With a hug and a promise that she was always just a phone call away, Addison and Roan finally left and made their way to the parking lot.

"So…Matt." Roan smiled, opening the passenger's door of Addison's car for her to get in.

"Yep. Matt."

"How do you feel, Addie?"

She smiled and looked him straight in the eyes. "I feel like we're gonna make it."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I can't wait for him to get here."

"Good. Congratulations, baby sister." She laughed and kissed him on the cheek. She was feeling, for the first time in long weeks, that she really had something to feel lucky about.

"Let's go home." She got into the car and waited for him to take the driver's seat. Roan turned the car on and started back to her house.

She was having a son.

A

Derek Shepherd was sitting at his desk, trying to figure out which God he had actually pissed off. Addison was leaving; she was probably already at the airport. So, in order to avoid repeating his actions from the day before, he had decided to stay at the hospital, hoping maybe a case would keep him busy and he wouldn't notice the hour Addison's plane took off.

No such luck.

He was a kind man; he was a good man. He was raised a good Irish-Christian boy, taught from an early age to love his fellow man. He was not a monster. He was a good man, a healer.

But he was ashamed to admit he was halfway hoping that someone would come into the hospital needing immediate brain surgery. He was a good man, but he was more than a little bit resentful that the one quiet night at Seattle Grace Hospital in recent memory was the one night that he seriously needed a distraction.

He was fidgeting again; he couldn't help his feet from moving and his fingers were tapping rhythmically on his desk. He cleared his throat just to hear the noise. He turned back to the clock. 8:37 P.M. If he tried, he could make it to the airport–traffic rules weren't all that important. He could make a last-ditch attempt at groveling at Addison's feet and begging her to stay. He would have to choose his words carefully, though; He figured he wouldn't have much time to talk before Roan punched his teeth in. But he could probably make it count…

No!

"Seriously man, what are you thinking!" he mumbled to himself, throwing his head back and covering his face with his hands. Damn it! What was he supposed to do, count the minutes until she got the hell out of his life?

It was not fair. He finally knew what he wanted out of his life and it had turned out to be the thing he had already given up. He'd realized way too late in the game that Addison was the person he was always meant to be with. If he had figured things out when Addison had first come to Seattle Grace, she would have been ecstatic to have their marriage back. Truth be told, he thought she would have taken him back even those few first months after the divorce…then again, Mark was in the picture then, so he perhaps not.

But he hadn't been ready before. Now he was, but it didn't do him any good. Because the thing he wanted to do was the only thing he couldn't do. He wanted to drive towards the airport, get her out of the plane itself if needed, and make her stay with him, because he loved her and he wanted her.

Sadly, one thing Derek Shepherd was starting to realize about himself was that he could be an incredibly selfish man.

Addison didn't want the whole movie ending. She didn't want to chased after in some airport, and she didn't want him to make a declaration that would make everyone at the airport cheer and clap as they kissed passionately.

The only thing Addison wanted was time to heal.

And even if it killed him, Derek would give it to her.

"I didn't think I would find you here." Derek raised his head and found Richard Webber and Preston Burke standing in the doorway.

"Where did you think I would be?" he asked, not even trying to hide the tiredness and frustration in his voice.

"Running over some poor idiot standing in your way to the airport," Preston answered as he entered after Richard.

"Giving grief to some innocent clerk attempting to explain to you that Addison had already boarded the plane and you couldn't get in without a ticket," Richard offered as both men sat on the couch. Derek smiled sadly and walked over to them, pulling a chair in front of them and sitting in it.

"So, you're here on Derek-watch? Making sure I don't give in to my impulses and stop her?"

"Partly. Most of all, though, we're here to bring you this." Preston presented him with an unopened bottle of scotch. Richard was already busy setting the glasses as Preston undid the cork.

"You guys are here to get me drunk."

"We're here to be your friends," Richard admonished.

"Don't bother, Richard. He doesn't have many guy friends, so this is new to him." Derek laughed out loud this time as his mentor handed him a glass.

"Just for the record, I was doing fine convincing myself not to run after her."

"I bet you were," Richard mumbled. The three men remained in silence, drinking for a few minutes.

Derek figured his friends were waiting to take their cue from him as to what to do next. "She went just with Roan?" he asked. Everyone knew that he was thinking about Addison, so there was no point in trying to avoid the subject. And he truthfully wanted to know; he wanted to make sure that everything was happening in a way that would spare her feelings.

_If you had remembered to spare her feelings while you two were married, you wouldn't be going through this._ Derek shook his head, trying to hush the bitter voice inside of his brain.

"Torres and Bailey gave them a ride." Burke answered. "Everyone else said their good-byes at the house; no one wanted to get in the middle of the girl bonding."

"That's good. She's got her girlfriends. That's good."

"Yeah." Preston nodded.

Silence again.

It was better that way; Derek needed the silence. But he couldn't deny that it was good to have both these men at his side. Maybe if he had been a little bit less selfish, he would have noticed this too: he had good friends, wonderful people who stayed by his side without even having to be asked. He prayed to God he hadn't been too self-absorbed to notice when they needed him. That was another thing he promised himself to work on.

_I hate it when Roan's right_ he thought to himself. Both Montgomerys were right; he was not yet the man who was fit to act as Matthew's father. _I'll get there._

"I really love her," he muttered, feeling the tears that were threatening to fall down his cheeks.

"We know, Derek. We know." He heard Preston's soft assurance and felt Richard's hand landed on his shoulder when he couldn't keep up his façade anymore and buried his face in his hands.

A

Addison took a deep breath as she sat in her comfortable airplane seat. This was really happening; she was going back to New York. Roan was sitting by her side, fussing with his seatbelt; she had insisted on having the window seat, and he had decided indulging her was easier than arguing. She looked through the window, taking her last glance at a city she had arrived despising and had ended up loving…okay, maybe 'loving' was too strong a word, but Seattle had certainly grown on her. And she and Mark had been happy there, even though it had been for too short a time.

Miranda and Callie had driven them to the airport, and she had said good-bye to them just before boarding the plane. She couldn't blame just the hormones for the tears that fell down her cheeks, though. They were her Seattle girlfriends; she had somehow managed to make friends! The only true friends she had ever had had been a whole lot more like her…Callie and Miranda were incredibly different from Savvy and Naomi, but they had become family to her nonetheless. And she had no doubt they were going to miss her too! Callie had been a crying mess the entire time, and even Bailey's eyes shined with moisture that of course the shorter woman claimed was only the result of allergies.

And now here she was.

She had left her friends behind. She had left her old life behind. Even if she didn't like the idea…she was starting to leave Addison Forbes Montgomery-Sloan behind. _At least she won't be alone in Seattle. She'll have Addison Forbes Montgomery-Shepherd to keep her company._ She shook the self-deprecating thought out of her head. The Addison she was now was still Mark's wife, but turned into Mark's widow. She had to learn to be herself, by herself, again; then, she had to become a good enough mother for Matt. Only then would she be ready to integrate her former selves into the equation.

"Ready?" Roan asked as he turned to face her.

"As ready as I'll ever be."

"You'll be okay, kid. I'm here now; we'll be okay."

"I know." She smiled, feeling very much like a four-year-old in awe of her brother's tree-climbing capabilities again.

"I have something for you, though."

"Presents? Gimme!" she teased him, making a point of clapping her hands as he rolled his eyes.

"No." Roan shook his head and seemed to grow more somber as he pulled an envelope from his briefcase. He handed it to Addison; she searched for a name or address, but found neither. She turned to look at him quizzically. "What is this?"

"Derek," her eyes went back to the envelope upon hearing her ex-husband's name as Roan continued, "gave this to me, wanted me to give it to you once we were on the plane."

"What is it?"

"I don't know. He promised that it won't get him murdered, so I guess it's probably a good thing. Open it." He whispered the last part. Addison felt like her heart was going to burst from her chest. "Addie, open it," Roan prompted her again, and she nodded. She had been surprised that Derek had somehow managed to stay clear from her after their last talk…and the kiss…but she wasn't thinking of the kiss. He had respected her wishes, and she appreciated that. It had given her the opportunity to say good-bye to her friends properly and to make some sense of her last days in Seattle.

She had to know what was in the envelope.

With shaky hands she opened it. She pulled out and unfolded what looked like a stack of papers. Opening them, she was faced with a series of drawings she recognized immediately as Derek's handiwork.

"What's that?"

"It's a plan. This is…" realization came to Addison, "this is Derek's land." She stared at the first drawings of what looked like a cabin. A small cabin. From what she could see in the floor plans, the house had just two bedrooms, a living room/dining room, a kitchen and one bathroom. It was in a rustic style, but rather cozy. At the front of the house was a small deck with a swinging chair for two, and by the side of the house was the trailer. She smiled.

"I don't get it. You have a house," Roan commented, inspecting the drawings more closely.

"This isn't a house. It's a cabin. It's a vacation cabin; there's no offices, no library, no guest rooms. It's just…"

"For you guys. Two rooms; that's one for you two and one for Matt. Check this out." Roan handed her another drawing. It looked like the inside of the trailer, but it looked nothing like she remembered it. Inside, Derek had attempted to draw some toys, a little table with little chairs, a rug on the floor and bookshelves against the walls. She realized he had remodeled the trailer into a playroom.

"This is for Matt," she whispered, tears threatening to fall down her face again.

"Yeah, and look," he showed her another drawing, "there's another hammock, and a mini-track in case he turns out to be a bike-fan like his dad. And a couple of ropes, here in the tree…I think you're right, this is a vacation spot."

"This is for a family," she whispered, more to herself than to Roan.

"Well…now you know where his mind is at."

"Yeah." Addison couldn't help but smile. She was nowhere ready to be a part of what Derek was thinking yet. But it felt good that he was trying to be a part of her life. It felt good that he was thinking about her happiness and her son's. It felt good that he wanted to be included. It felt good that he was willing to make his precious trailer into a space that Matt could enjoy with them. But most of all, she thought as the plane started moving, she loved that he wasn't giving up.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter XIII

Derek Shepherd stared at the construction workers building on his land.

A part of him had wanted to build the whole thing himself, to show Addison that this project was so close to his heart that he felt it could only be built properly by his hands. But he couldn't really do that. He was a practical man, and he knew that time was working against him.

Addison had been gone for a little over four months now, and he couldn't deny that he missed her like crazy. He missed the time he wasn't spending with her, and he also missed everything that he hadn't gotten a chance to experience with her. He had been looking forward to helping her through her pregnancy, and now he was missing everything he had wanted to be a part of so badly. But he figured that if he finally managed to turn his life around and convince her to come back to Seattle, it would be worth it. If he got Addison to give him another chance, he would have her and Matthew for the rest of his life, because he was never going to let her go again.

Derek figured the easiest way to start was with the new house and the trailer. He had thought it would be difficult to give up a space he had fought for so fiercely. But it had turned out that it was easier than he had thought. After all, how could a piece of land and a box on wheels compare to Addison? The trailer had already served its purpose; it had been exactly what he had needed once upon a time. Now, though, if everything turned out as he hoped, that trailer would have a whole new function, a more important one: it would be a place were Matt would be able to play and dream and grow up.

He couldn't wait to see Matt running to his own little play room, probably screaming like a madman all the way if he was anything like his father.

He could also imagine sitting with Addison on their deck, their small cabin behind them, smiling at the small child.

It was so picture-perfect that sometimes Derek was too afraid to hope for that much. But he could feel in his heart that Addison had felt something when he kissed her; he had been able to read in Addison's eyes that a little bit of the love they had shared still existed. If there was the smallest chance that he could have that again, Derek Shepherd was going to put up the fight of his life.

He tried again to give a small instruction to the head worker, but the man growled at him. Derek couldn't even blame the poor fellow; he knew he was driving everyone crazy. He was rather sure he had heard them cheer when he had been called to an emergency at the hospital. He just wanted everything to be perfect. But he could always make any changes he wanted himself, later on. And truth be told, the team was doing an amazing job of bringing Derek's vision to life.

He had spoken only three times with Addison since she left. He tried not to be upset by the infrequency of their contact; at least she was talking to him again. The first call had come a week after she had left. She had been so anxious; he could hear it in her voice. She had apologized for running away but had assured him she had made the right call. Still, she had been mortified about hurting him. Derek had managed to put on a brave façade and assured her that he understood and that the only thing he'd ever wanted was for her to be happy. That had been easy; it wasn't a lie at all. They had fallen into an easy conversation as Addison described New York as though they hadn't lived there together, and he had smiled at her excitement over being back in 'her city,' as she called it. That was the thing he remembered the most about that conversation: she had been happy. She had been excited and hopeful, and he had finally understood why he'd had to let her go. She had needed the change, and now she sounded more like Addison than she had since Mark's death. He had been tempted to make her promise to call him frequently, but he reminded himself for the umpteenth time that he was not going to pressure her at all. She had probably sensed his hesitation, because she proceeded to explain that she would only call once in a while.

_::I won't forget, okay? Don't think for a minute I will forget about you, Derek. I just need time.::_

Her words reassured him immediately, and he promised not to be upset if she didn't call as often as he would have liked.

Her second call had come three weeks after that. She remained in good spirits and assured him that she was rather enjoying her second trimester now that the morning sickness was blissfully gone. She did confirm she was feeling more tired lately and that her back and boobs were starting to hurt a little bit.

_::Come on, Addie! Do I really need to know if your boobs hurt?::_

She had laughed his comment off and continued to talk about how everything was going great, the ultrasounds showed everything was normal and the amniocentesis had gone wonderfully; he could actually hear the laughter in her voice. He had finally told her to come out with it already and tell him what had her so insanely happy.

_::I felt him Derek. I felt Matt. He fluttered.::_

Derek had not been ready for the surge of emotions that coursed through him at her words. Everything abruptly became even more real. Even though he had not been there to feel it, even if Mark hadn't been there to feel it, Addison had. And suddenly Matt was even more of a reality. He had joined in her laughter and asked for all the details she could give him. She had told him that she had been lunching in the living room, watching some old movie, and all of a sudden she felt butterflies in her stomach. For a moment she had been worried that something was wrong…

_::You're an OB!::_

_::Shut up, Derek! It's totally different from this side!::_

Then she had realized what she was feeling, she said. She made an offhand remark about how Roan would freak when he found out. Derek felt a knot in his throat again.

_::You haven't told your brother yet?::_

_::No, Rory went to the store. I was craving peaches. He's going to flip when I tell him…::_

_::Addie:: _Derek cut her off gently, _::Have you told anyone yet?::_

_::Derek, it happened like five minutes ago.::_

_::I'm the first person you called?::_

There were no words that could explain how touched and honored he had felt. When Addison felt her son move for the first time, she had thought of Derek first. It made having to give her space feel almost worth it.

_::You were the person I wanted to tell.::_

Her answer had been so simple, like it was the most logical thing in the world for her to call her ex-husband when her child with her second husband was fluttering. He loved that she felt it was so reasonable and normal. He felt like she was letting him in again.

The third time, though, had left him a little worried. It had taken her about four weeks to call again, which meant that she was officially twenty-two weeks pregnant. She sounded very tired, and while she tried to chalk it up to the pregnancy, he had read enough on the subject to know that she was supposed to have more energy in the second trimester. She had grudgingly admitted to being uncomfortable. Her ankles were beginning to swell and she had experienced some cramping. She had assured him that it was not abnormal, but he worried nonetheless. She had tried to change the subject to something happier: Matt had continued kicking, and the soft flutter in her belly was becoming stronger by the day.

Something in her voice, though, had convinced him she was more tired than she let on, so he made her promise to rest more and take her vitamins. She had been mildly annoyed about been reprimanded like a child, but he was relentless. Finally, she laughed and caved in.

Derek was surprised when she brought up the land. She had never mentioned it before, though he knew Roan had given her his package. He had never mentioned it to her directly because of his newly found respect for the 'No Pressuring Addison' Rule.

_::How's the trailer coming?::_

_::I…umh…fine so far. I've…I've got some people…working on the cabin too.::_

_::The cabin was beautiful.::_ she commented wistfully.

_::I'm so glad you liked it.::_

_::I loved it. But I was thinking…::_

_::Yeah?::_ Derek had braced himself for the worst. This was it. Addison was going to tell him it had been too much, that she felt like he was forcing her hand again. He had taken a deep breath and waited expectantly for her to go on.

_::Isn't the lake dangerous? I mean, it's so close…what if Matt crawls there…?::_ Derek had been ready to dance of happiness at her question.

_::We'll keep an eye on him!::_ he assured her rapidly, _::And I can make a fence, make sure he has no way to get into the lake without either of us.::_

_::Good.::_ Addison proclaimed happily. Derek wanted to ask a million questions. Was she thinking about coming back? Was she thinking about getting back together? Had she realized she still loved him? What was going to happen between them? Luckily, he guessed, he had been unable to stun her with his storm of questions. She had apologized and told him she had a headache and was going to lie down for a few minutes. He assured her that it was all right, that she should rest as much as needed.

What he guessed Addison didn't know was that Roan called him, usually once a week. Addison's brother had made it a point to keep him updated.

_::I can't risk you showing your idiot face here,:: _was Roan's explanation. Derek didn't care what motivated the other man to keep him posted; he was just glad to be informed.

As a result, he had learned that Addison was having a more difficult time than she admitted. Roan told him that she was having Braxton-Hicks contractions, which apparently weren't pleasant. He had also been concerned about her lack of energy, but given her age, some difficulties were to be expected. As long as the baby was okay, she assured her brother, everything would be all right.

That had done nothing to calm Derek down, but Roan insisted that he should let them handle it and worry about his own problems instead.

_::That is, if you still want to have a chance in hell of getting my sister back.::_

God, Derek wanted that chance. He felt confident that his chance was coming. All he had to do was keep on as he had been. He was working on his issues, Addison was uncomfortable but healthy, Matt was fine…it felt like everything was coming together.

As he took one last glance at the cabin and the trailer before heading to the hospital, he remembered Addison's questions about the land…she was already envisioning herself and Matt living in Seattle. Knowing that, Derek knew everything would be completely worth it.

A

"So how's the cabin thing coming along?" Derek did a double-take as Callie Torres and Miranda Bailey put their trays on the table he was sharing with Preston Burke and sat down. Lately, he'd made a point of working on his friendships. He had friends in Seattle, Preston and Richard, but he knew that mostly they just played audience to whatever drama was going on in his life. Friendship was supposed to be give-and-take, not just 'Listen to Derek whine.' So he had spent more time listening to his friends. So far, he had learned that Richard and Adele were doing stronger than they had in years, so much so that Adele was very close to convincing Richard to take a week off and fly to Italy for a romantic second honeymoon. From Preston, he had learned more than he'd ever thought possible about how infuriating Cristina Yang could be. He had tried to be nice and assured Preston that relationships took a lot more than a couple of years to be perfect. Derek had even told some horror stories about the beginning of his relationship with Addison. He had been surprised and proud at how he could talk about her with happiness instead of bitterness or longing. He was happy--he knew Addison was in his future, so he was happy.

"Hello, ladies." Preston offered them a smile, but they didn't seem interested in his greetings. Bailey pointed at Derek with his fork.

"Spill it, Shepherd. How's the cabin?"

"Why the sudden interest?" He tried to annoy them. He loved annoying people.

"Because we really do care about your dexterities as a woodman. Why do you think we care?" Callie jumped in sarcastically.

"Seriously," Bailey said, "You're supposed to be a brain surgeon?"

"So Addison put you up to spying on me?" He tried to ask casually, knowing all the time that his excitement was shining right through.

"Not exactly," Callie answered, "She did mention your drawings and she was curious about how it was coming along. She didn't tell us to spy on you."

"Although she did want us to make sure you didn't forget about the lake thing."

"Lake thing?" Preston asked.

Derek smiled, remembering his last conversation with Addison. "Yeah, she was worried. With the lake being so close to the cabin and the trailer, she was concerned that it would be dangerous for Matt, you know, when he starts crawling around." He grinned, imagining a mini-Mark trying to crawl and walk around, Derek and Addison chasing after him.

"Really? So she has agreed to move back here? With you?" Preston asked again. Derek could tell how surprised his friend was that the topic hadn't come up earlier. _You were the one who told me I was self-centered, Burke! I'm not anymore, so take that!_

"I don't know. She just asked about how the trailer was coming and told me about the lake. That was it. She didn't tell me she would come, and I didn't ask her. I just built the fence, which you guys can tell her, by the way." He addressed the last part to Callie and Bailey. Both of them were nodding, actually looking proud. They thought he had done well! Derek didn't claim to understand women, but he did know earning brownie-points with the girlfriends was important. He couldn't count how many times he'd had to help Naomi redecorate her kitchen or chauffer Savvy around when Weiss was out of town. He didn't mess with the girl-rules anymore; it was easier to just do as they said.

"Maybe you're not so stupid after all." Miranda Bailey gave him the backhanded compliment as she took a bite from her turkey sandwich. Derek smiled as Callie and Burke burst out laughing.

"How's Addison doing anyway?" Burke asked. Derek could have kissed him. He had been dying to get the details on Addison's calls with her friends but didn't want to seem nosy.

"She hasn't called you?" Callie asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, but that was like three weeks ago," Burke answered, and Derek tried not to be miffed at the fact that Addison had last called him five weeks ago. He knew she was just being more careful about him; still, he missed her voice.

"Well, she last called me a week ago," Bailey said.

"Me too," Callie put in, and Derek could see both women were surprised that they hadn't gotten more calls from her. That alone was enough to get Derek to worry. Was she okay? Roan's last call had been last week; he was expecting another any day now. Roan would have called if something was wrong, right?

"She did sound pretty beat the last time I talked to her," Burke offered, noticing the grim faces around the table.

"Yeah, totally. She told me she was still waiting for that 'second trimester rush' to kick in." Callie laughed. "But you know Addison, she's probably not resting enough. Gotta get that boy anything Armani ever did for babies."

"I remember when I was pregnant with Tuck. There were times when I would've done anything to not get out of bed," Bailey commented.

"Yeah, poor thing is probably just exhausted." Callie said, looking straight at Derek. He smiled, grateful at her attempts to calm him down.

"She's like…what? Twenty-five weeks along?" Burke asked.

"Twenty-seven," Derek muttered.

"Right. She'll probably call soon enough," Burke assured them.

"Yeah. She's so excited she can't help herself, she's gotta call people and gush about her 'Mattie.'" Callie laughed.

The conversation continued easily, and Derek was genuinely grateful to have other people priesent. He was making friends, he was mending fences. As worried as he was about Addison, he knew his friends were probably right. She would be calling soon because something new happened with Matt, and they would talk, and he would tell her about the fence.

Everything was coming together.

A

The rest of the day passed by rather calmly. No emergency surgeries or inoperable tumors that afternoon. He actually had time to go over his charts; they were starting to pile up again. He called a couple of times to check on the cabin, but he had a feeling that the contractor was no longer taking his calls.

Derek was sometimes unsettled by the content feeling that settled upon him these days. He was actually enjoying his life. No more drama, just hopes and dreams and plans. He guessed this was what his mother had always tried to tell him.

"_Life is better when you live it, Derek. Stop letting it just happen to you.'_

She was right.

He was making a life, and he felt like he would actually get a happily ever after.

Still, he couldn't shake his worry over Addison. He hoped she would call again soon. He didn't even need her to call him; as long as she called one of her friends to let them know she was okay, he would be glad.

He needed something to get that idea out of his head. Otherwise, he would end up calling her and destroying all the progress he had made in the past weeks. Plus, maybe there was nothing to worry about. Maybe she was just busy and, hopefully, Roan would be calling tonight to let him know how Addie was doing.

He was getting annoyed by all the people walking around him, but he didn't want to go to his office either. People would know he was there and probably interrupt him. What he really wanted to do was finish his charts, have a little 'Derek-time.' He decided to finish his work in one of the on-call rooms. He could always take a nap, anyway.

He walked to the nearest on-call room and opened the door. He situated himself in the lower bunk of the bed on his right and took a deep breath, smiling as he piled his charts by his side.

He was having a decent day.

That ended the moment he noticed the person staring at him from the bunk across the room.

"Meredith," he whispered, cursing his luck for letting him wander to the on-call room she happened to be occupying. He and Meredith hadn't really talked to each other since they broke up. They weren't avoiding each other--he was still the young doctor's teacher, and he did his best to encourage her just as he did his other students. Still, they had limited their conversations to the professional.

But there was no way to run without making the situation even more awkward. It had been a long time, months, since they'd broken up. Maybe this was a blessing in disguise, his chance to make amends. Meredith had been an important part of his life, he'd never denied that. It would be good – for both of them – to become friends.

"Derek," she answered, suddenly finding her hands mesmerizing in her attempt to avoid his eyes.

"So…" he decided to go for it, "How's it going?" _Did I actually just ask her 'How's it going?' I haven't spoken to the woman in forever and all I can come up with is 'How's it going?'_

"It's…going…fine. It's going fine." Meredith was still not looking at him.

"Good. That's good. Any good…cases, today?"

"Not really. Neuro is having a slow day," she replied. _And I should know that, since I'm the head of the department and all…_

"Right." Silence. Maybe the silence wasn't so bad.

"How are you, Derek?" she suddenly asked, surprising him.

"I'm…I'm fine."

"Really? I heard about Addison."

"What about Addison?" He was immediately on edge. Had something happened?

"That she left." He sighed in relief when Meredith answered.

"Oh. Right. She went back to New York for a while. After everything with Mark, she needed to put some distance between herself and Seattle.

"Ah. I thought she had moved back for good."

"No." He couldn't help the smile that appeared on his face. "She's…I think she's coming back. I hope she comes back soon. Hopefully she'll come back before Matt is born."

"So… you and her…? Are you like…a couple, now?" Derek could see how hard it was for Meredith to ask that question. He would never forgive himself for hurting her, but he knew he had done the right thing. There was no getting around it: he was still in love with Addison. Still, Meredith's question was a complicated one. Was he Addison's boyfriend? Was he going to be her husband again? Were they officially back together? Unofficially? Who was he in Addison and Matt's lives? Who was he going to be when she came back to Seattle?

"I…" he started, "I don't…" He didn't know what to answer, except for the answer he had given this very same woman a long time ago. "She's family. We're family." There was no truer way to explain his relationship with Addison.

"You keep saying that. But you haven't been, not for years, even before you came to Seattle."

"What?" he asked, surprised.

"Yeah. When she first showed up, you hated her..."

"I never…"

"You acted like you did. And before that, she said you were absent. And then there was Mark. And here, there was Mark again and then a baby. And now that Mark's gone, she needs family and her brother comes. And then she left to the other side of the country to be with her family, and you're left behind here. So, how can you guys actually still count as 'family?'"

"We just do. Mark, Addison and I were always a family. Just because we screwed up and hurt each other…that doesn't change the fact that we were family."

"Then why is she gone?" The tears in Meredith's eyes were threatening to spill over, but her words had upset him so much that he couldn't bring himself to feel sorry.

"Because she went through hell, all right? She had to go so that she can be Addison again! She needs to learn to live without Mark before…"

"She lives with you again? Is that it, Derek? You're waiting for her to come back to you with a baby in her arms, and all of a sudden you get this instant family?"

"Don't! Leave the baby out of this! It's not about me wanting to steal Mark's family!"

"Then what is it about, Derek? You left me for her and she left you! She doesn't want you and I did. I wanted you. I loved you. I would have given you that family you seem to care so much about. What were we doing all the time that we were together? The moment Mark is out of the picture you dumped me and went running back to her. What were you doing? Waiting for Mark to disappear?"

"You have no idea what you're talking about! No idea!"

"Then explain it to me, Derek! What did I ever mean to you?" Meredith was crying now, and Derek had to blink back some tears of his own.

"Meredith…I'm so sorry I did this to you. I know I don't deserve it, but you have to believe me. I really saw myself living with you for the rest of my life. But what Addison and I have…I can't just forget it. I don't know how to explain it better than saying we're family, but we really are. When I was with you, it was only about us. I never longed for Addison when we were together. I was in love with you, I just didn't stay in love with you forever like we both hoped I would."

"I know…" She sniffled, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. "I'm sorry I said all that. I just…"

"It's okay. You have every right to be mad at me for what I did. But I hope you can find a way not to hate Addie or the baby…"

"I don't. I've always liked Addison, and I can't hate an unborn baby. I guess I'm just feeling what she did when she first moved here. I know it's not her fault, but I'm still mad at her, even though she didn't do a thing to me…it's quite frustrating." She attempted a watery smile, which he answered with one of his own.

"Yeah."

"I should go."

"No, you were here first. I'll go." She nodded, and he gathered his things and stood up. He stopped before opening the door, turning slowly back to face her, "I want us to be friends, Meredith. I'll always love you, and I want to be your friend."

"I want you to be my friend, too."

"But it's too soon, isn't it?" he asked sadly.

"Yeah… I need more time. I'm sorry, but I can't be friends with you right now. But I'll get over it at some point, Derek, and I will want you back in my life."

"Good. I'll be around, then, just let me know. I'm sorry I tried too soon."

"I'm glad you did." They shared another smile, a sincere one this time.

"See you around, Doctor Grey," he said as he left.

"So long, Doctor Shepherd," he heard as he crossed the threshold.

A

"So," Derek started, sitting in the grass, his legs crossed, "I guess you're wondering what I'm doing here. I never come. I know, you think I'm lazy and I guess I am. Sorry, though, I should come more. I just hate these places…but you know that." This was really hard. Derek had made it a point to avoid cemeteries ever since his father died when he was a child. The only times he would actually go to his father's grave were when his mother insisted, usually on the anniversary of his death or on Charles Shepherd's birthday. Usually, he had the comfort of his family then, but now he was totally alone. THIS was something he had to do on his own. He sighed, looking once again at the headstone in front of him.

_Mark Gregory Sloan_

_1966-2008_

_Husband, father, friend, healer._

_He will be missed._

It seemed like forever since the last time he had been here. Somehow, Mark's funeral felt like it had happened a lifetime ago. But Addison wasn't the only one who had put off dealing with Mark's death. Occupied with his worries about Addison and Meredith and Matthew, Derek had never let it sink in that his best friend, his brother, had died.

So today he had driven up to the cemetery and was now sitting by Mark's grave, trying to find the words he wanted to say. All he could do was hope that, somewhere, Mark was listening.

"This…this whole road between us, it just doesn't feel done, you know? I mean, I know you're gone and I actually miss you like crazy, although I'll deny it. But…it just doesn't feel done. Doesn't feel like there's nothing left to say in our history." He took a white long-stemmed rose he had bought earlier and laid it on top of Mark's grave. He couldn't help but laugh.

"I know. I just bought you a rose. Can you believe that? If you were here, you'd mock me about it for years. At least it's white, though. I love you, dude, but red ones are just for chicks." He laughed again, knowing he had somehow slipped into the natural banter he had shared with Mark, once upon a time.

Once upon a time.

But this was now, and he was talking to himself, sitting by his best friend's grave.

"So, I've been doing a lot of thinking. A lot of changes too." Derek continued, "I've finally taken a really hard and long look at myself and you know what happened? I kinda didn't like me. So, I've made changes. You'll be happy to know I'm calling home more. Mom was thrilled, although she and the girls gave me an earful. I'm living in a hotel right now. I'm having some things done to the trailer and to the land. I'm just…making changes." Derek took a deep breath. It was ridiculous that he was feeling this nervous about going on. It wasnt' like Mark could punch him or something. Still, there was something difficult about the words that he needed to say now.

"I've made these changes for her. You know that I love her; you always knew that I was meant to be with her. You even tried to warn me so many times. I remember now all the times you told me to work on my marriage or that she needed me. I wish I had listened to you. If I had, everything would be different now. But besides the whole heartache, some good things came out of this whole ordeal. You got to marry her. You got to have a baby with her. It sucks that you died so soon, it sucks that you'll never get to meet your son, but at least he exists, you know?" Silence again. He knew what he wanted to say; he had known it for the longest time. But he was still scared, scared that he wouldn't manage to become as good a man as the one lying in the grave had been.

"So here's the thing. Addie's in New York. She left with Roan a few months ago. And before she left, I kinda told her I was in love with her. Which I know now was a really stupid thing to do, because she was dealing with your death and being a single mother. But you know me, right? I feel something important to me, I have to make it everyone's problem. I should have been a better man and waited until she was ready to move on…but I didn't, and now she's not really talking that much to me. Roan gives me updates from time to time, though. Can you believe that? Of all the people in the world, Roan Forbes Montgomery is the one to take pity on me. So I know she and the baby are doing okay." Derek was tempted to say Matt was okay, but he didn't know if Addison had actually come to Mark's grave and talked to him about the baby before leaving. He knew it was dumb, but he felt like he was not the person to give this information away. Matthew was Addison's and Mark's miracle, and he knew at some point she would come to the grave holding a beautiful child in her arms. Derek wouldn't interfere with Addison's relationship with Mark ever again. His job was to support her, no matter how she chose to deal with her life.

Today, what he was doing, was about them. Derek and Mark. He had come to lay everything on the table, to make peace with his brother, once and for all.

"Addison…she's still very much your wife. And the baby is always going to be your kid. I don't mean to come in the middle of that. You know my history; I can't say that I don't like the idea of having a stepson. I would be lying to you and to Addie. But I really love her. And I really love your baby. I'm willing to be the father-figure your boy's gonna need, but I will never ever let him forget for a second that he's a Sloan. I want to help Addie make sure your baby knows how much you wanted him and how happy you were about him. And I'm sorry that I'm here now and you're not, I'm sorry that I'm asking to somehow take your place with your family, but I don't know what else to do. I love her. I need you to believe me when I say that I love them and that I'm finally ready to be the person she needs me to be. Because…I'm ready now, and I'm going to fight for her. I'm going to do everything in my power to make her come back. But I promise…I'll never try to take your place, man. See how it worked out? The old Derek is the ex-husband she hates, and the new Mark is the husband she misses. I hope this Derek can be worthy of her."

"_I'm bored!" Mark complained for what Derek could only guess was the hundredth time. He, on the other hand, was feeling a rush of excitement. Today was the day he was finally going to introduce his best friend to his girlfriend. He had introduced girls to Mark before, but Addison was different; even this early into their relationship, he was pretty sure she was The One._

_Obviously, Mark had laughed for hours hearing his best friend actually utter the words 'The One.'_

_But Derek didn't care. He was in love and it felt right._

_Mark would actually be the first member of his family that Addison would get to meet, so he was really nervous. He had already begged Mark not to make inappropriate comments and told Addison not to feel offended if at some point Mark mentioned her rack. __Mark and Derek hardly had any classes together, so Derek had to go to great lengths to accommodate their schedules for this meeting. So he made reservations at a fancy restaurant, much to Mark's annoyance and Addison's delight, and hoped for the best._

"_Shut up," he answered, checking his watch again._

"_Dude, stop with the watch! We're like twenty minutes early, thanks to you."_

"_I just didn't want to be late!"_

"_Well, mission accomplished. And I'm still bored!"_

"_Seriously, man. SHUT. UP." Mark pouted as Derek checked his watch again._

"_What I don't get--" Derek sighed. Of course Mark couldn't go more than two minutes without talking, it was just physically impossible for him. "--is why your mom and your sisters haven't met Allison…"_

"_Addison," Derek corrected._

"_Addison. How come they haven't met her yet? They live like, a few blocks down."_

"_Because, they're all girls and judgmental. They would ask her about her family and about her intentions and her plans. They would probably either scare her off or try to get us married within the month. I figured you were safe."_

"_I'm safe?" Mark asked, clearly amused._

"_Fine. Safer. This way, when mom and the girls meet Addie, at least she'll know someone else besides me."_

"_Dude, you're like totally smitten." Mark started laughing. _

_Derek, unable to refute the claim, could feel the color rising in his cheeks."Shut up," he tried again, hoping Addison would show up soon. About twenty-five minutes later, because apparently ladies just had to be fashionably late, he spotted a very familiar tone of red. He knew the smile on his face was instant, especially since Mark was laughing again, as he waved and pretty much screamed, "Addison!" to get her attention. He immediately got to his feet and approached his girlfriend, who was smiling sweetly at him despite the fact that she seemed embarrassed that he had managed to command every single customer's attention to her with his scream._

"_Hey, Derek," she greeted him, putting her arms around his waist and kissing him softly on the lips._

"_Hey, baby," he greeted back, one arm snaking around her back as the other played with her hair._

"_I'm sorry I'm late." She offered him a flirty smile as an apology._

"_That's okay, I didn't even notice."_

"_I did!" a voice called from behind him. Crap, he thought, he had already forgotten about Mark. But he hadn't mentioned Addison's rack yet, so things were going well so far._

"_Right. Addison, there's someone I want you to meet…" He gave her what he hoped was his most charming smile._

"_Mark Sloan." Mark extended his hand to Addison, giving her an impish grin. "I hate waiting."_

"_Addiso__n Montgomery." Addison was close to smiling as she took Mark's outstretched hand. "I'll keep that in mind."_

"_Great, now everyone knows each other!" Derek clasped his hands together, moving his head from side to side in order to make eye-contact with both his best friend and his girlfriend. In turn, they were looking at him like he had gone insane. "Let's eat." He pulled Addison's chair out for her and helped her with her napkin, kicking Mark under the table when the other man snorted. Addison ordered wine, the men single-malt scotch. Conversation was flowing easily, and Mark and Addison seemed to be getting along so far. Derek shouldn't have been surprised; they were both smart and interesting individuals, they ought to be able to make conversation._

_That is, until the inevitable came up…_

"_Neonatal? For real?" Mark asked, already laughing. He stopped laughing at once and tried to cover it up coughing when his eyes met Derek's._

"_Yes, why would I be joking?" Addison asked. She raised one perfectly arched eyebrow, and Derek braced himself for the coming storm._

"_But you're like…smart…" Derek sighed heavily as Mark continued to dig his own grave, "you know, for a chick and all."_

"_Oh God…" Derek muttered under his breath._

"_Smart for a chick?" Addison asked tersely. For a minute Mark looked like a deer caught in headlights. He looked at Derek for support, but the other man shook his head, knowing his friend was far past help._

"_Mmh…I mean…not that chicks aren't smart…"_

"_Oh, then what did you mean, Mark?"_

"_I…you know, that neonatal is like…"_

"_Dude…" Derek whispered._

"_Easy."_

"_Neonatal is easy." Addison's voice was getting louder. A couple of heads turned to the young trio, and Derek did his best to signal that everything was fine._

"_Yeah. I mean, no offense or anything. But if you're so smart, and Derek here says you're a great surgeon…I just don't get why you don't go into cardio or neuro or plastics…you know, something more challenging." Addison just stared at Mark with pure hatred in her beautiful eyes. Derek braced himself for what was to come and mentally mourned the demise of his best friend. To his surprise, instead of the expected onslaught, Addison slowly and deliberately took a sip of her wine, setting the cup back on the table. Then, she wiped her mouth with her napkin. After that, she turned back to face Derek, her expression unreadable._

"_Is this true, Derek?" she asked._

"_Huh?" he managed pathetically._

"_Is this true? You think my specialty is 'easy' and that since I'm smart I should go into neurosurgery like you?"_

"_What…? I didn't…I didn't say that…"_

"_Cardio, then?"_

"_What? But…Addie!"_

"_I mean, clearly you and Mark have talked about this. Right?" She turned back to Mark, and Derek would never in his life be able to understand why his so-called best friend nodded, effectively feeding him to the sharks._

_Years later, Mark would claim he had been way too scared of Addison to think about what he was doing then._

"_Why don't you tell me what you really think, Derek?" Addison pressed on, "Do you think I'm wasting myself going into neonatal?"_

"_No!" Derek exclaimed a little more loudly than he intended to. "No! Baby, you're great in your field! The gynies are lucky to have you!"_

"_The 'gynies'?"_

'_Oh, crap.' He thought to himself, "No. I mean, you're so smart and so talented…I never said there was anything wrong with neonatal! Mark didn't even know you were going into neonatal, right?" this time he was grateful when his best friend nodded again, "See? There was no talking behind your back or anything."_

"_But you did say something. Didn't you?"_

"_No! Well…yeah, you're my girlfriend so I talked to him about you. I told him you were an awesome surgeon and that you could have your pick of any field! And… yeah, sure, someone with your talents could totally go into the hardcore fields instead of…" Derek didn't even need to end that sentence. He knew he was already screwed. The sad part was that he'd meant it as a compliment._

_Judging by Addison's expression, that hadn't come through as clearly as he had hoped it would._

"_Hardcore? So…like neuro is hardcore? Like…" she turned to Mark, "what's your specialty?"_

"_Plastics," Mark mumbled._

"_Plastics. Thanks Mark. So," she turned back to Derek, "hardcore like neuro and plastics."_

"_Mmh…"_

"_Don't bother. Come to me and tell me what is hardcore when you have to operate on two patients at the same time. When you have to deal not only with surgery but a mother and a child fighting for their lives. When you have to do your normal work in a body so small that the tiniest mistake would kill a baby. When you have to perform a surgery on a patient that hasn't even been born yet. THEN you guys can talk to me about what hardcore is. In the meantime, you go back to opening brains because you think it makes you the coolest guy in the world and you," she turned to Mark, "go back to your life of giving women bigger boobs. When you can do what I do with a scalpel, you guys get to mouth off to me." Addison took another sip of her wine as both men stared at her, mouths hanging open. She stood up and grabbed her purse, staring at both of them, and for a moment Derek worried she was leaving____or worse, dumping him._

"_I'm going to the bathroom. When I come back, you will have ordered our meal, and Derek, it better not be fish. You will also have found a new subject to talk about, like __the weather or just how much the Yankees suck. You will also have stopped being stupid. All right, then?" She smiled sweetly, and both of them nodded. She then gave them a satisfied nod and surprised Derek by kissing him softly on the lips before making her way to the bathroom._

_Once she was gone, both men sat there, stunned into silence, for a few minutes. All of a sudden, Derek heard the beginnings of Mark's laughter, gradually increasing into a full blown cackle._

"_Dude!" Derek complained as the people around them turned to stare._

"_Sorry…" Mark took a deep breath, calming himself. "I like her," he proclaimed, taking a sip of his drink. "And by the way, nice rack," he added just as Addison walked back up to their table._

Derek could imagine how Mark would be looking at him if he were alivea mixture of amusement and doubt, searching his face for any signs of untruth. Most of all, Mark had always wanted Addison to be happy, with or without him. That was a level of love that, until now, Derek had not been able to claim he understood.

He did now. If Addison was happy without him and wanted to remain that way, he would understand. He would ask her to let him be her friend, though. He would make sure Matt knew he was a New Yorker and was supposed to worship the Yankees – God knew Addison wasn't going to be able to teach him that. But he would let her be.

But if there was some small, remotely insignificant chance in hell that Addie might at some point want him back…how could he not take that chance? How could he not hope?

"I won't hurt her again. I promise; I understand this time. She's Addison, and I'm not supposed to make her cry. Ever. And I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I ended up hurting her or the baby. I want to get it right. I'm making the time and the space for them. I'm learning how to make my schedule flexible so I don't miss dinners or appointments. I'm trying to put them first. And I guess…I guess I wanted your permission to ask her to let me be a part of your family's life. And now…now you gotta be the one that keeps an eye out for me, okay? Just to make sure I don't mess it up." Derek smiled as he stood up, dusting off his black coat. He put his hand on the gravestone for a second, trying to imagine he could feel Mark's shoulder under his hand once again.

"Goodbye, man. I promise…I promise I will take care of them." With that, he made his way back to his car. He wasn't really sure the visit had accomplished anything real, but somehow, he felt it was the least he could do. He was ready to stop hiding from Mark's memory. If he and Addison were going to have some sort of chance to get their lives back on track, both of them had to acknowledge the roles Mark Sloan had played in their lives.

The only thing that was left to do now was to somehow get Addison to see him and give him a final chance.

A

After his visit to the cemetery, Derek drove back to the Archers. Since he had a whole team working at the trailer, he had decided to follow the path of his fellow doctors at SGH and get a room at the hotel. It was the best and most expensive hotel near the hospital and he could see Addison living here quite clearly; it was her kind of place.

He sighed tiredly once he reached his room and threw himself on top of his bed, letting his backpack and his coat fall to the floor. He smiled against his pillow, content overall with his day. He felt like he was making progress in his life: he'd talked to his friends, and now even previously indifferent people like Callie and Miranda were talking to him. He was building a home and making plans. He was looking forward to a day when he and Meredith would become friends, but he would allow the young doctor enough space and time for her wounds to heal. He felt like he had finally had some closure with Mark; he no longer felt like he was betraying his best friend. And also, he knew Addison was planning on coming back and including him on her life.

He was most definitely making progress.

Thoughts of Addison crossed his mind, and he once again wondered what she was doing and why wasn't she calling her closest friends. Maybe it would be all right if he called her…he hadn't attempted to yet, but maybe she would be okay with it. Maybe she would even like it, knowing he was thinking about her.

That wasn't suffocating her, right?

How could he even suffocate a person that was on the other side of the country.

He could call…

As Derek was staring at the phone, trying to convince himself that Addison wouldn't be angry if he called, it suddenly started ringing. He almost fell out of his bed in his attempt to reach it as soon as possible and couldn't help the grin that appeared on his face when he read Roan's name on the caller ID.

_I'm smiling over Roan Montgomery calling. What is Addison doing to me?_

"Hey, Roan!" he called into the telephone.

_::Hey, Derek…::_

"I'm so glad you called! I mean, can you believe that? I'm glad YOU called!"

_::Derek…::_

"It's just that Addie has not been in contact with anyone around here…"

_::I know. Look, Derek…::_

"Anyway, I was getting worried. And I didn't want to call her because she usually calls me…"

_:::DEREK!::_ Roan's scream on the other side of the phone made Derek stop abruptly. Roan sighed, and Derek immediately knew something was wrong.

"Roan? Where's Addison? Is she okay?"

_::Listen, Derek. Addison… she…::_

"Damnit Roan! What the hell is going on?!" Panic was rising in his chest and up his throat. Addison had to be okay. She and Matt just had to be okay. If they weren't…they HAD to be okay.

_::Derek…you need to be here. You need to come to New York ASAP.::_


	14. Chapter 14

So, here's the next chapter! I want to give a special thank you to Lauren for beta-reading (and doing it SO fast). Updates should come sooner now, and I do intent to finish this story, so no worries there.

Thanks a lot to you all for your patience and please, enjoy this chapter ;)

Chapter XIV

The plane had been absolute hell.

After his conversation with Roan, Derek had gone straight to Richard's office, attempting to articulate what had happened and that he needed to fly to New York to be with Addison. He had no idea how he had actually managed to explain everything to his mentor, but Richard understood and immediately put him on leave. Derek could remember the worried glint in Richard's eyes, knowing that the Chief of Surgery would have liked nothing better than to join him. Derek was pretty sure Richard had made him promise to call as soon as he knew something, but after getting his verbal okay, all Derek could think about was getting to New York.

Derek had needed to make a pit stop as his hotel. How he had managed to get there without killing anyone, or getting killed himself, was a complete mystery to him. He had run through red lights, speeding like his life depended on it and never once hesitating or going for his breaks. All this while, he was yelling on his cell phone to get plane tickets within the hour. He was pretty sure he had ended up paying twice the normal cost of the ticket, but he didn't care. He simply HAD to get to New York as soon as possible.

Once at his hotel, he filled a suitcase with random items of clothing and was lucky enough to find his passport in the third place he looked. He had run out of the hotel with enough presence of mind to leave a brief message for Preston, explaining that he was on his way to New York and to please deal with the hotel and the construction mess he was leaving behind. He didn't have it in him to explain why it was he was making the emergency trip, but he hoped the Chief would fill him in. Miranda and Callie would have to be told as well, but there simply wasn't time. Everything was such a mess and he felt he barely had enough strength to be there for Addison and Matt, much less deal with the rest of the world.

Everything had been going great. Minus his brief spat with Meredith, which had also been a 'good thing' in the grand scheme of things, his plans had been materializing, albeit slowly, but surely. He had spent a good part of the day daydreaming about what his life was going to be once Addison came back to Seattle and he had a chance to meet Matt for the first time. He had thought about all the things he wanted to say to her, all the things he wanted to teach the little boy. Everything had been too good to be true.

And while he had spent his days dreaming of a better place, Addison and Matt had been fighting for their lives.

Roan's call had chilled him to the bone. He hadn't even seen it coming. He was a Doctor, for crying out loud! He had been married to an obstetrician for almost twelve years! How the hell hadn't he seen it coming? He should have been there… he didn't know what he could possible have done to help, but he should have been there nonetheless.

She didn't deserve this. Addison didn't deserve there. And he could not even begin to fathom how Matt could possibly deserve it either… everything was just so screwed up!

Derek had had about enough loss and death to last him a lifetime.

"_GO AWAY!" seven-year-old Derek Shepherd yelled back as someone knocked on his door fo__r the tenth time in two hours. He pulled at the tie around his neck and took off the jacket of the black suit that was making him itch. He hated the outfit and he was sure he was never again going to be able to use it, but his mother had insisted that he had to keep it on for the rest of the day._

_He didn't really understand what the hell it mattered anymore. How were a stupid tie and an ugly suit going to make everything better? His mom, sisters and a succession of uncles had already come by to try and get him out of his room but he had managed to send them all away._

_He didn't want to talk to anyone._

_Still, there was another knock._

"_GO AWAY!" he yelled, again, hoping that whoever it was could take the hint. This time, thought, the door was gently cracked open and he was surprised by who was on the other side._

"_Mark." He whispered. His best friend had been out of the country when it had happened. Mark's parents had insisted on taking him with them to Europe. Mark didn't understand why he had to go; he always stayed at Derek's when his parent's were out of the country, which was quite often. But this time, Dr. Alexander and Mrs. Anna Sloan had insisted that it would be better for everyone if they took their son with them. Derek had begged his mother to convince Mark's parents to let him stay over, but __Julia Shepherd had surprised her son by agreeing with the Sloans._

_In retrospective, Derek guessed the adults had known just how sick his father had been and had neglected to tell the children. He even remembered a whispered conversation between them, about him and his sisters joining the trip. Still, his mother had insisted that John Shepherd was doing better and that it would be alright, that they would all get to see Mark again once they came back._

_Three weeks later, a whole week before Mark was scheduled to come back – and Derek knew this because he had marked the date in his calendar – John had passed away. And now, his best friend was standing in front of him, wearing a suit and a tie as uncomfortable as his and with matching puffy eyes._

"_Hi, Derek." He mumbled._

"_Hi." Derek answered as Mark closed the door behind him, making his way towards Derek's bed and sitting by his side. Mark was not his mom or one of the girls, so Derek decided that Mark could come inside._

_Plus, he had missed his best friend and hoped, throughout the whole service, that he could be there._

"_I'm sorry about your dad, Derek." Mark offered, staring at his shoes. Derek gazed at his own shoes. They were uncomfortable too._

"_Yeah, me too."_

"_Mom said he was sick. I didn't know he was sick." Mark barely whispered._

"_I didn't know he was really sick either. He sometimes had headaches and slept a lot. But… I didn't know he was this sick." Derek wished he had known more about was going on. He wish__ed he had been told two weeks, a week, a couple of days beforehand, that he would be today wearing a black suit at his father's funeral. Derek made a mental note to never again attend funerals; they were really sad._

"_Your dad was really cool." Mark smiled. Derek couldn't help but smile too. Yeah, his dad had been pretty cool. He took him and Mark camping and fishing and to Yankees game. He had built a second bed and put it in Derek's room once they realized Mark was going to be spending nights at their house more often than not and he always allowed the six children that run around his household to eat ice-cream before dinner._

"_Yeah. He was." Silence fell upon the two young friends for a few minutes. Usually, whenever Derek and Mark were together there was no shutting them up. They could talk about anything and everything, often to the chagrin of Derek's sisters that always insisted they both stopped their incessant babbling. But Derek and Mark didn't care, because they were rather sure girls couldn't possibly understand how important their conversations were. Also, they knew they were been annoying, and they kinda loved it._

_Today, though, there weren't so many words to share, no funny comments nor snide remarks. Today, there were only two broken-hearted boys, sitting on a bed and swinging their feet._

"_You know," Mark started, as Derek had hoped he would. Mark was never one to be able to remain in silence for too long, "You're lucky you had a great dad."_

"_My dad is dead." Derek answered, choking back tears, "How can I be lucky?" if anyone else had proposed the unbelievable notion that he was lucky, today of all days, Derek would have kicked them out if his room. But this was Mark, and even __though he could not possibly understand what he was trying to say, Derek would allow him to say it._

"_Because. Your dad was great. He played with you and helped you with your homework and tucked you in. He took you to see the Yankees and fishing and he always had candy on his pockets whenever he came back from work. He called you 'Champ'."_

"_He called you 'Ace'." Derek muttered, smiling as he remembered his father doing these things._

"_Yeah." Mark smiled softly, and Derek could read again the pain in his eyes, "He was a great dad."_

"_So how come I'm lucky if he died?" Derek asked._

"_You're not lucky because he died. You're lucky because you get to know you had a great dad who loved you a lot. He made time for you, always. Other kids won't ever have half the memories with their dads than you did with your dad." Mark was looking into an empty space now, and Derek finally understood what he was saying. Even though he was an only child, if was infrequent that Mark got to spend any time with his dad. Doctor Sloan was a busy man, even when they were playing at Mark's home, he rarely saw his father leave his study._

_One time, Mark had ventured into his father's office to ask him to play catch with them – because they both were quite intent on practicing as much as they could for the day the Yankees would inevitably sign them – and he had turned him down quite plainly. Derek remembered that Mark's dad never even lifted his eyes from the documents he was reviewing, even while telling his son to "please, go away and let me get my work done". Except for today, that was the only time he had seen Mark that close to tears._

_When his mother had come to pick him up, Derek had begged both her and Mark's mom to please let Mark sleep over at his house and stay for the weekend. They had ended having a great time and the next morning, they got to play catch with his dad. Derek remembered Mark running excitedly all over the garden, trying to get John's attention. And his dad would smile and throw the ball at his son's best friend and when Mark would look back, lifting the baseball with a proud smile, his dad would say "Great catch, Ace!" or "Now that's how you play, little terror"._

_As Derek watched Mark's pale face as he seemed lost in though, Derek realized for the first time that he was not the only one going through this. If even his best friend was this heartbroken, how were his mom and his sisters? They had all lost John together, and Derek was not helping matters by locking himself up in his room._

_Maybe he was wrong, and other people would be able to understand how he felt._

"_Mark?" he asked in a shaky voice, feeling the tears pooling in his eyes again._

"_Yeah?"_

"_I really miss my daddy!" Derek whimpered, not been able to hold back the tears anymore. __He hanged his head low as he cried sourly for his father, covering his face with his hands. He was a big boy, he wasn't supposed to be crying… but he was a big boy who really missed his daddy and that couldn't stop crying._

_It took about five seconds before he felt Mark's arm reaching over his shoulders. He turned lightly as he watched his friend lower his head as the tears overtook him too._

_They remained huddled together for about half an hour, crying for the only man that had been a father for the both of them. Derek found solace in the fact that he was not alone, though. He was not alone in living his life and he was not alone in mourning his dad. And he knew that the moment he walked down the stairs, he would have his mom's arms around him and his sisters hovering over him, making him feel loved._

_But for now, he was fine, finally letting himself cry and mourn his dad._

_And he was thankful that he had someone else that understood, and that was willing to cry by his side._

The first time Derek Shepherd had known loss, he had had his best friend by his side. The second time, it was his best friend he had lost, but he had managed to pull through and be the person Addison could lean on.

What was he supposed to do this time?

There could not be another loss; there just couldn't be. He couldn't go through it without his dad, without Mark… without Addison, without Matt… that just couldn't happen. It was impossible.

Still, though, Derek had found himself on a plane, rushing to New York, praying for the first time in years. He prayed with bitterness about what already been taken away form him. Then, he prayed with pain over what he still stood to lose.

As soon as the wheels touched down at LaGuardia Airport, Derek was off and running for a cab. In hindsight, it would have been easier to call his mother or one of his sisters, even Savvy and Weiss, and ask them to pick him up. Hell, he should probably call them anyway and let them know there was something wrong with Addison… damnit, he didn't even know WHAT was wrong with Addison! Maybe Roan had done it himself already.

As he willed the taxi to please make it to the hospital as soon as possible, he closed his eyes and laid his head back. He couldn't break down… he wouldn't break down until he had a reason to break down.

He looked at his side, before leaning his head back and closing his eyes again.

It hurt him to remember he didn't have his brother by his side this time.

_I promised you I would tak__e care of them, Mark. I intend to._

A

That Roan Forbes Montgomery had never liked his brother-in-law was an understatement. In all honesty, he simply had hated Derek. He had hated the way Addison smiled around him and was always holding his hand and gazing into his eyes adoringly. Not that he didn't love to see his baby sister happy, because he did. Most of his life had been dedicated to making sure Addison was safe and happy. So, he figured it was understandable that he would feel, at the very least uneasy, about a new man taking this post in her life. He had always been his sister's hero. Even when they lived with the stepfather they both had adored, Addison had always counted of him to protect her from ghosts and bullies alike. Whenever she was scared, she would come knocking on his door. She would climb onto his bed whenever she had nightmares; while she knew she could just as easily climb into Sean Montgomery's bed, she had never really trusted their mother to chase the bad dreams away. Neither of them had.

So, over the years, Roan had gotten rather used to playing the knight in shining armor for her. He had always known, though, that some lucky bastard would finally snatch her away. Even when she had been an awkward teenager with huge glasses, freckles and a lisp, and hadn't gotten the hang of dealing with her hair, Roan had known the day would come. After their experiences with their biological father, he could never blame Addison for trying to hide herself, to shy away from the spotlight.

That had changed in college, though. All of a sudden, Addison straightened her hair, opted for contact lenses and started wearing make up. She had discovered designer clothes too, much to their mother's joy and all of a sudden became the personalization of a New Yorker.

"_It's a new life, Rory."_

"_I don't care about the new life; I care about the old Addie."_

"_I'm still here. I would never leave you. I just… I guess I finally figured it out."_

"_What?"_

"_That I don't want to be afraid of the world."_

He had been beyond proud, even if he teased her incessantly about her shoes. She had somehow managed to break away from her shell and join the world with decisiveness he had always lacked. Sure, he loved his life as a reporter and had no problems facing war, poverty and hunger, in the same way she had no problem facing pain, sadness and loss in her hospital. Still, Addison had also faced New York. She had faced their lives and stayed to build one of her own, long after he had decided to run away.

So, Roan had never kidded himself. He knew the day was coming that guys would start to realized what a prize his sister was. Every single day, smile after smile, he knew her prince charming was coming. Still, he had at least hoped the guy would be half worthy of her.

In his humble opinion, Derek Shepherd was not that guy. Derek hadn't come from a lot of money like them, but he came from a normal family that loved him; and that, Roan could respect. But Derek was also quite conceited. He knew he was all handsome and sweet and the girls fawned over him. He knew that Addison was head over heels in love, and Derek was enjoying every single second of it. As far as Addison was concerned, Derek was prince charming reincarnated. The thing that rubbed Roan the wrong way was that Derek seemed to think he was prince charming too.

So, as any good big brother, he had made his feelings known the first time Addison brought Derek home to meet the parents. He just happened to be visiting for a couple of months and took the opportunity to seize up his sister's suitor.

He wasn't impressed.

And he made it quite clear poking fun at him all through dinner.

Addison hadn't been impressed with _THAT_.

"_Lay off him, Rory."_

"_I'll lay off him the minute he lays off you!"_

"_Rory, come on!"_

"_You can't be serious about this guy, Addie!"_

"_Why not?"_

"_Because! He's a jerk. He thinks he's __God's gift to women! He thinks anyone that doesn't listen to The Clash is retarded and that the Yankees are going to win everything! And…"_

"_A__nd he talks A LOT about himself; he takes about an hour every morning doing his hair and never refills the coffeemaker when he takes the last cup! And you know what?"_

"_What?!"_

"_I love him, Rory."_

So, Roan had slowly resigned himself to the fact that Derek Shepherd would be a permanent fixture in his life. He had gone to their engagement party and to their wedding. He had gotten all these gifts from 'Addison and Derek', like they were joined to the hip or something.

He had made sure to send his gifts just 'To Addie'.

He had been introduced to the whole Shepherd clan, and while he really liked Derek's sisters and Derek's mom adored him, it was still a little bit intimidating. He was used to a quite household were his mother was often absent. All his nurturing growing up had come from his dad and all the family he had to deal with on a regular basis consisted of him and Addison. It was a far cry from Derek's family of five children.

It was on one of these loud family reunions that he had met Mark Sloan. Addison and Derek had just gotten engaged, and Julia Shepherd had organized a family BBQ to celebrate. So, his dad had dragged him kicking and screaming out of his apartment, practically seated him in the car and trapped him with the seat bell, ordering him to behave and to not upset his sister.

After been chatted up for about an hour by Derek's sisters, a conversation where he was quite sure Nancy Shepherd had tried to grab his ass, Roan had made a quite escape into the living room. From the windows, he could see Addison and Derek kissing and talking to Sean and Julia, and he had to remember himself not to throw up.

He hadn't noticed, though, that he hadn't been the only one with the idea to hide.

"_They're so mushy…"_

"_Ha. No__w imagine been their constant shadow. THAT'S annoying."_

"_Oh… hey."_

"_Hey."_

"_I didn't realize there was anyone in here."_

"_It's cool. I just needed a little time off."_

"_Me too."_

"_You know? Derek wasn't always like this. He wasn't so whipped. He still acted like a man and was capable of making a decision without having to 'run it by Addison'. And he was a normal disgusting male, before turning into this big sap."_

"_Oh, you're telling me! Addison was always so much fun! We would stay up late watching movies or we would go walking whenever it was raining! She was never a 'girly-girl', even when she figured out… you know… that she was…"_

"_Hot?"_

"_Yeah. Even then, she was my buddy. Now I call her up, ask her how she's doing and what do I get in response? A never ending speech about how 'amazing' Derek is."_

"_I KNOW! When I'm hanging at a bar with my best friend and tell __him that some random woman is hot, the last thing I need to hear is how Addie's hair is prettier or Addie's eyes are more beautiful… I got it! Addison's gorgeous; no debate. But if I have to find someone else to get laid, can you stop telling me how she's not hotter than you're girlfriend? God!"_

"_Fiancée. They're engaged now, remember?"_

"_Right. I need another scotch."_

"_Alcohol? Sounds about right."_

"_Let's go."_

"_Let's go. Oh, sorry, Roan Montgomery."_

"_Hey, Mark Sloan."_

He had liked Mark from the get go. Not only because he was the only one that agreed with him that the wedding wasn't the event of the century. He was laid back, he was fun. But he was also smart and witty and honest. He was as conceited as Derek and he was even more thoroughly convinced that HE, and not his best friend, was God's gift to humankind. But he wasn't sleeping with his baby sister, so he hadn't really cared that much about his flaws. They could poke fun together at Derek and Addison, mock them for becoming 'that couple', and have the manly kind of fun Derek didn't get to have anymore without his wife consent. So, in the few occasions he had met with Mark Sloan, he had liked him a great deal.

It had also helped that, despite his attitude, he adored Addison. Roan had no doubt in his mind that Mark wouldn't allow anything to happen to Addison. Even if Derek was a jerk, and even if Derek was Mark's best friend since childhood, Roan knew that Mark would make sure Derek treated his sister the way she deserved.

And even if Addie always complained about 'Derek's idiot best friend', Roan knew the plastics wonder had grown on her. She had her own little routine with Mark; he would tease and she would tease him back, he would make a sexist comment and she would call him a pig, at some point Mark would throw a pillow or yank her hair playfully and she would attempt to harm him with her tiny fists.

It was endearing to watch.

And Addison was happy with her new life and 'her boys'. So Roan decided Derek maybe wasn't a complete ass and that her sister had finally found her happy ending.

Of course, there weren't happy endings.

After their childhoods, Roan and Addison shouldn't have been naïve enough to believe in them.

"_Hey, sweetie."_

"_Hey, Rory." Even through the phone, he could hear the tears in her voice._

"_Addie? Are you okay, baby?"_

"_I'm fine, How's Congo?"_

"_Nevermind Congo. What's going on, Addison?"_

"_No… nothing… nothing's going on. I'm fine, I promise._

"_Addison…"_

"_How are you…?"_

"_How's Derek."_

_Silence. Roan knew he had hit a nerve._

"_Addie, where's Derek?"_

"_He's… he had a surgery…"_

"_He's at the hospital?"_

"_Yeah. He's busy."_

"_So are you."_

"_But he's the Head of his Department…"_

"_Addie. So are you. I didn't say it was wrong he was at the hospital. Why do you feel like you have to make excuses for him?"_

He should have followed his instincts.

He should have hoped into a plain and gone back home to her. Addison was the most important person of his world and she clearly needed him.

But he had chosen to believe that she was alight and her marriage was perfect, mostly because he didn't want to face that his sister could get heartbroken once again. And when he had called back, she had sounded happier. Then again, she hadn't been alone…

He hadn't been surprised when he had gotten his mother's call.

How his mother had found out, he would never know. He knew Addison would never volunteer any information about her personal life to their mom. But she knew and she had called to inform him that Derek had walked out on his sister. She didn't have anymore details, and Roan had only known the whole story once he had made a frantic call to Addison.

She had sounded different. Cold. Distant. Not like the person Roan knew. He figured she was still in shock as she recounted Derek walking in on her and Mark, having sex in Addison and Derek's bed. She recounted begging and being thrown into the rain as if it hadn't happened to her. At the end of their phone call, Addison told him not to worry. She didn't have a clue about Derek's whereabouts but she was living with Mark. She didn't need him to come.

Roan had always had his suspicions that Mark was in love with his sister. For a guy that was a complete jerk to everyone, he was always sort of… gentle, with Addison. He would treat her like she would break and let her drag him to any chick event Derek refused to tag along for. But still… something was off. As much as Roan had a hint that maybe Mark was a better fit for Addison than Derek, they weren't quite there yet. Mark was not the guy Addison needed him to be just yet.

Everything else had happened kind of in a blur.

Addison left Mark in New York and moved to Seattle to try and save her marriage. Finally, the heartbreak and the divorce had come. All of a sudden, Mark had moved to Seattle to win Addison back and before he had known it, his baby sister was married to the man that had stood up as the best man of her first wedding and had a baby on the way.

Roan had known that children had been a rocky subject in Addison's life. It was quite clear that she loved them; she worked with them every single day. Still, she had never had one to call her one, her own child to take home with her and nurture with the love and care that she was capable off. She had once confided in him that Derek was unable to have children and that the others options would be too hard on him. Roan had considered this as yet another sign of how self-centered his brother in law was.

Addison had her own way of seeing it.

"_You want a baby, Addie. You've always wanted a baby."_

"_I know. But I can't have one."_

"_Yes, you can! You could do the whole fertilization thing…"_

"_It wouldn't work with Derek's condition…"_

"_Or you could adopt. Or have a surrogate father…"_

"_No way. I cant' have a baby that isn't __Derek's. It would kill him."_

"_Fine! Adoption!"_

"_No. It would be a constant reminder to Derek that he couldn't give me a child…"_

"_So what? The guy can't have kids and all of a sudden you have to give up on your dreams?"_

"_My dreams? What do you know about my dreams anymore, Rory? My dream is a whole life with Derek. Waking up by his side everyday and going to bed in his arms every night. My dream is__ us growing old together and being as in love as we are now when we're eighty years old. And yes, I want a baby. I would have liked to have a baby. But there's nothing I want more in this life than Derek and I wouldn't want any child but his."_

That had been a whole lifetime ago. A lifetime when Addison had never imagined even the possibility of a child of hers not been Derek's.

Now, everything was different.

Roan was sitting in an uncomfortable chair at Mount Sinai, as his sister's friends and colleagues stopped by to express their regrets and best wished for Addison and Matt. Today, Addison was fighting for her life in pretty much the same way that Matt was. Matt, a child that Addison had wanted with her whole heart and that had ended up been Mark's instead of Derek's.

That Mark would never get to meet his child was unbearable. But the fact that Addison could easily follow in the same fate… that was unthinkable. For a moment, Roan wished he were a religious man, so at least he could pray for their well-being.

As it stood right there, all Roan had been able to do was rush his sister to the hospital and sit down waiting and hoping for the best.

Also, he had called Derek Shepherd.

That his relationship with her former brother in law would change this much was still hard to believe. But for what Roan had seeing in the last few months, Derek had become – finally – the man Addison had always claimed him to be. And he also knew that if worst came to worst, Derek deserved to be there.

Even if all he could do was hold two small hands as their precious lives faded away, Derek deserved to be there…

A

"Roan!" Derek was breathless as he run through the hospital corridors. His suitcase was still tightly clasp in his hand, and the sight of his former brother in law sitting in a plastic chair with his head in his hands wasn't doing much to placate his fears. At the sound of his name, Roan raised his head slowly and stared at the man rushing to him as if he needed a minute to recognize him and get his thoughts in order. By the time Derek reached him, he was already on his feet, his hands clasped together.

"Hello Derek."

"What the help happened? Where is Addison? Is she okay?" Derek took no time bombarding him with questions. He had, literally, flown from the other side of the country as an anxious mess. All he needed was to hear that Addison was alright and it was all just a scare.

By the look in Roan's face, Derek knew that assurance wasn't coming.

"Easy. She… she's not conscious right now…"

"Not conscious? What the hell does that mean, 'not conscious'? What happened?"

"Okay… look, maybe you should sit down…"

"Maybe you should just tell me what the hell is going on!" rationally, Derek knew this wasn't Roan's fault and that the other man was probably trying to be gentle in breaking obviously bad news. But all Derek could think about was the fact that something had happened to Addison, she was unconscious, and he had no idea so far what the hell had gone wrong.

"Fine. Look… the thing is… Addison hadn't really been feeling well…"

"I know, last she called, she was so tired…"

"Yeah. She didn't really want you to know, she didn't want you to worry, but about three weeks ago she was diagnosed with gestational hypertension…"

"Hypertension?! Oh my God, she developed pre-eclampsia?!"

"No… but, they were afraid it would develop into HELLP syndrome…"

"HELLP syndrome? That's as bad as full fledged eclampsia!"

"I know. So did she. But she was taking it easy. They couldn't really treat her with anti-hypertensives with the pregnancy, so they started her into this thing… met… methyl…"

"Methyldopa?"

"Yeah, that's it." Derek nodded, already trying to fight back tears. He wasn't a specialist like Addison, but he knew Methyldopa was only used in severe cases. Addison had been far from alright.

"Then what happened?"

"I don't know." Derek could clearly see that Roan was as distressed as he was, but he needed to know what had gone wrong with Addison's pregnancy, "I hoped she was doing better… but she was just so weak. She was having headaches and pain in her abdomen. And, yesterday… I was with her in her room, she was on bed rest, we were watching some awful chick movie and she closed her eyes… I asked her what was wrong, if she needed anything and… and her voice was so soft Derek, she just said she was really dizzy. I was going to embrace her, help her feel grounded and… all of a sudden she started shaking… and…"

"Oh God, she had a seizure?" Roan nodded, choking back tears of his own.

"Roan… they delivered?"

"They… they had to. They performed a C-Section. If either of them… they delivered him."

"No…"

"And… they have the baby on observation and… and Addie… she hasn't woken up yet…"

"I… this can't be. This isn't fair… why… why didn't you tell me? Why didn't SHE tell me?"

"I just told you, man. She didn't want you to know. She knew you would get insanely worried and she thought she would make it farther into the pregnancy before this became a problem."

"You SHOULD have told me! I would have flown here right away! She needed me Roan!"

"It wasn't my decision! I wanted to tell you, I thought you ought to get your ass here for her but she didn't want you to!" Derek stopped fighting the tears as he braced himself against a wall. Addison was unconscious and the longer she stayed that way, the higher was the risk she may never wake up. Matt had been delivered at twenty-seven weeks… that meant he was in the NICU, fighting for his life… much like his mother…

"I can't… I can't…" Derek didn't even know how to finish that sentence. He couldn't breath. He couldn't react. He couldn't do this, but he had to do this. He had to somehow make sure both of them would be alright, and absolutely no clue how to do that.

"I know." He heard Roan muttered by his side. That reminded him that he was not the only one going through this.

"What… what have the doctors told you?" he asked in a shaky voice, facing Roan, who had gone back to sitting in the plastic chair with his head in his hands.

"A bunch of things I didn't understand. And quite frankly, the ones I got I didn't care for."

"What did they say, Roan?"

"As far as Matt goes… he's in the NICU. He's breathing without a tube so far but they may have to use one if he stops. His lungs are underdeveloped so they're treating him for that. Still, they say it could be worse; like, he's over this limit…"

"Limit of viability." Derek muttered.

"Yeah. Anyway, they're watching him in case his brain starts bleeding and… and he's so premature they are still making sure he doesn't have any brain damage…"

"Even if he had a hemorrhage, it still wouldn't be the end of a world. He's a child; children heal fast. They still need to keep an eye on him at all times, though. They're feeding him…?"

"Through a tube. And he's having some problems processing the food so far, and a little bit of anemia but he's overall… fighting. I guess."

"And Addie?"

"Addie… Addie… I really don't know. She was unconscious after the seizure and through the delivery. They say there's no brain damage or anything…"

"They're telling you the truth, Roan."

"Then why on earth hasn't she woken up yet?"

"Sometimes, it takes the woman some hours after the delivery before she wakes up…"

"Still. She bled a lot during the c-section… the surgeons were so worried and were even afraid they might have to do a hysterectomy. I think the placenta was starting to tear up when they… opened… her up. And they say her pressure's still up. So they are monitoring her closely."

"She should be okay… that's normal. She should be okay."

"But… but what if she doesn't wake up?" Roan breathed this question, fear clear in his eyes at even having to formulate the question. And as much as Derek knew that Roan was asking for his assurance as a surgeon that his baby sister was going to be okay, he didn't know how to answer his question. And he knew Roan hadn't missed his hesitation. Both men remained in silence for a few minutes, each of them feeling helpless and rather useless.

"I'm gonna look for the doctors!" Derek suddenly announce, already making his way down the hall.

"Wait, man. Where are you going?" Roan asked, blocking Derek's way.

"I'm gonna look for the doctors!" Derek stated again, not understanding why Roan needed more clarification and why he wasn't letting him go.

"Why?"

"Why? You just told me they're worried about Matt's brain bleeding and I'm one of the top Neurosurgeons in the country…"

"I figured. You just said it wasn't a big deal…"

"It's not…"

"Then why would my nephew need one of the top Neurosurgeons in the country?"

"Because… he might…"

"Derek…"

"I just… I gotta do something, Roan. I gotta help at least one of them."

"I didn't ask you here so you could poke on Matt's brain Derek, and you know it."

"So what? We both sit here and pray that everything turns out fine? I can't do that. I'm a surgeon; I've got to do SOMETHING…"

"Even if Matt did need a Neurosurgeon Derek… I wouldn't let it be you."

"What?"

"You can't be his doctor… you are not here as Doctor Shepherd. You're here as Derek."

"Derek can't do a damn thing about that child in the NICU! Derek can't do a damn thing about the love of his live lying unconscious in that bed! Doctor Shepherd can!"

"Derek… you can't. Matt isn't just some kid to you. You can't."

"Then…" Derek took a deep breath as the moisture reached his lips, "then what the hell do I do? How the hell do I fix them?"

"You don't. First, you'll go with me to see Addison. You need to see Addison so she at least feels your presence, feels that you love her enough to be here. And then, you'll meet Matt."

"I… I don't know if I can do it."

"Yes you can. You love them and that's why even the idea of seeing them struggle hurts you, but you gotta do this, Derek."

"I know… I just… this morning everything was so perfect… I had all these plans."

"You still have plans." Roan muttered reaching for an envelope that had been lying next to his chair. He handed the envelope to Derek, giving him a side smile before walking away, "Let me know when you're ready to go into Addie's room."

Derek stared at the folder in his hand, having no idea of what it contained. He felt trepidation opening it. After the surprises this day had brought, Derek wasn't sure he could handle anymore. Still, he knew there was a reason for Roan to be handling Derek this envelope. He opened it slowly, mentally preparing himself for whatever he was about to see. A small smile crept up his face when he read them; he didn't even thought he would be able to smile this day, but this he hadn't been expecting.

Inside the envelope, he found a draft for a document; it wasn't addressed to Derek, but to Addison's lawyer.

Before everything happened, Addison had given her legal consent for Derek to formally adopt Matthew.

A

Derek walked slowly into Addison's room. It had taken him about half and hour to calm down enough to actually go into the room. Roan was looming by the door, debating between allowing the clearly shaken man to have some privacy or being there in case he had a break down. Derek didn't mind his presence; after all, he wasn't sure what option would be better either. He still clutched the adoption paper in his hands, surprised that Addison had begun to think about it. It was just a draft, but the meaning of the paper didn't diminish at all. After all they had gone through, Addison felt like he was enough of the man he had hoped he was becoming to formally be a part of her son's life.

And now, all that might get taken away.

Their second - or was it their third? - chance, might get taken away… if Addison didn't wake up.

He made his way slowly to her bed. He was scared of what he was about to see as he lifted his eyes to look at her face.

She was so pale and looked so fragile, laying in that bed. She was hook up to all the proper machines and it gave him some peace of mind that they indicated she was stable. Still, though, he knew he wouldn't be able to take an easy breath until she finally woke up.

He sat by her bed, trying his best not to joist her. Nevertheless, part of him wanted nothing more than to get her to wake up, in any way, even if she would wake up and scream at him for been so thoughtless and shaking the bed when he knew she was sleeping. He took her hand in his and wince at the coldness he found instead of her usual warmth. He softly reached with his other hand and moved some strands of red locks from her face. Even now, she was the most beautiful woman he had seen in his life.

"Hey, Addie." He whispered, feeling tears prickle in his eyes. This was not how this was supposed to happen. He was supposed to be there when she got into labor. He was supposed to hold her hand and reassure her that she could do this and that she was doing great. She was supposed to be able to see her child when he took his first breath. Addison and Matt should be together right now… she should be awake.

"How are your doing, sweetheart?" he could have kicked himself for even asking that, "Stupid question, you're in a coma." Again, he _should_ have kicked himself. But, what was he supposed to do? The love of his life was lying motionless in a hospital bed, what the hell was he supposed to say?

"I guess… I guess I can let you sleep for a while longer. You must be tired. This has been a tiring year, I understand that. Still, though, I miss you, baby. I've missed you all these weeks in Seattle. But I understand why you did it all this way. So, just so you know, I'm not mad or upset of anything. So, if you haven't woken up because you're worried I'll be mad…" he could almost picture Addison waking up just to tell him to stop been so self-centered and couldn't help but give a small smile. Still, she didn't wake up.

"Ok. I miss you though. And from what I'm told, you have a pretty cute kid that's probably dying to snuggle with his mommy. I… I haven't seen him yet. It feels wrong, you know? That I get to see him before you? But I don't want him to be alone. I don't want Matt to think he's alone and I kinda have to tell him why you're not around yet… so… I'll see him later, ok?" he raised her hand to his lips, letting the tears fall. Why the hell wasn't she waking up? Medically she should already be up!

"So… Roan gave me the papers… I mean, I know it's just a draft, I know you could totally change your mind… but the thing is… it means a lot to me that you would even consider it. I really want to do it, Addie. I fell in love with you again. And I also fell in love with Matt, and even know it shouldn't be me that gets to be there for all the milestones of his life, I want to be there. I want to help you raise this kid and let him know every single day that he is loved and wanted. And I'll help you teach him about his daddy, and about how he also loved him more than anything."

"Anyway… I put the fence up. You know, the fence? So that he wouldn't get too close to the lake? And his trailer-room thing is all set up, so he already has his nursery there. I didn't know he was planning to come early, though, so the house is not quite ready. But I guess that's okay, we have your house in Seattle. And I haven's seen it for sure, but I think Callie might be setting up a nursery there too. Your friends kinda have their minds all set up that you're coming back. I hoped they were right, but I didn't want to pressure you…"

"I don't know what to say, Addison. I don't know what to do that would make this whole thing better. So, I'm going to do the only thing I can… I'm going to do what you'd have wanted for me to do. I'm staying. I'm not leaving you alone. I'm not going to be this absent person that runs for the woods whenever things get tough. I'm going to be by your side. I'm going to be the man I have not been for years. And I'll take care of Matt the way you would want to take care of him. So, don't worry love. Take your time, I'm not going anywhere. I'll make sure nothing bad happens while you're sleeping… and I'll make sure Mattie is alright. I… I love you Addison."

With that, Derek softly gave her a short kiss on the lips. He prayed that she would kiss him back, but when she didn't, he comforted himself in the fact that he was still able to kiss her lips. She would wake up. After all they had gone through together, she would wake up. He needed to believe that.

With one last glance at Addison's motionless body, he rose up from her bed, letting her hand fall to her side after giving it one last gentle squeeze. He made his way towards the door, where Roan still stood, making sure to look straight ahead instead than towards the bed.

"You okay?" the older Montgomery asked.

"No. But I'll be… as soon as she wakes up."

"Right. What… what do you want to do now?"

"I need you to stay here with her. I… I don't want her to be alone."

"I didn't plan on leaving her alone. And you?"

"There's someone else that needs me right now."

A

Derek walked slowly into the NICU. He had been to NICUs before, all the time actually, considering who he had been married to for over a decade. Still, it had never felt quite like this. It had never before felt like his heart was about to split in two and tears were dangerously close to falling down his cheeks. He had never felt so strongly, like he would give up anything to be able to carry the child he was looking for in his arms and will him away from all this pain and suffering.

The nurse that was guiding him pointed him to the crib he was looking for with a sad smile, assuring him again that they all though the baby was going to be just fine. Derek nodded absentmindedly and walked towards the incubator. His breath caught at his throat once he saw the child inside.

He was small, really small, but Derek already knew he would be. He was lazily blinking his eyes, not quite focusing on anything just yet. He was stretching his little arms and the sure rise of his chest gave Derek hope that he would, indeed, be alright. He had all kinds of wires covering his body, and as a doctor, he was able to name each and everyone of them, as well as their function. That didn't matter, though. The only thing that was really important was that this child was real and existed not just like an idea or a flutter in Addison's belly. He was here, blinking and stretching and trying to make sense of the world he had been thrown into before his time.

Derek noticed there was a stool besides the incubator and sat there. He dared to move one of his hands through the hole into the incubator. The baby's body was warm as Derek softly covered his belly with his hand and he gurgled a little at the contact. Derek smiled, encouraged, and inserted his other hand, this time stroking the baby's hand, mindful of the tubes around it.

"Hi, Mattie." He whispered and couldn't help but smile. Despite everything else, he was seeing Matt and talking to him, like he had hoped he would. As small as he was, he could still see Mark and Addison clearly in his face. He would grow up to have Mark's eyes, but Addison's nose and bone structure were evident too. Although he had only soft tufts of hair, he already knew they would dirty blond and couldn't wait for the day that he would be able to see Mark's mischievous smile once again.

He knew that Addison would be please to know how much her baby resembled his father.

"I'm sorry all this happened, little guy." He offered, "I'm sorry mommy and daddy can't be here right now to hold your hand. They both would want to be, I promise." He allowed one of the tears he had been keeping at bay to fall down his cheek when Matt's hand weakly folded around his finger, "But you're not alone, okay? I will be here as long as you want me to be, ace. And the nurses can't kick me out, because I'm a doctor, so we're lucky."

As he watched the helpless baby in front of him, he couldn't help but feel all the emotions of the last year cursing through him. Mark lying motionless after the car ran him over, Addison crying in his arms when he told her that her husband was dead, walking her towards Mark's body, going over to her house and forcing her to eat, he and Addison slowly making her way back to each other, their kiss, the night in his office with Burke and the Chief knowing she was leaving, their phone calls, Roan calling him and telling him to come to New York, Addison laying on that bed… and then, the child in front of him. The reality that after the hell they had all been through that year, the hell they were still in the middle of, there was hope. There was beauty and, despite everything else, joy. He knew Addison would open her eyes because there was no way she was going to miss out on meeting her son. She was going to be okay because she had the most important thing in the world to fight for. For everything that the infamous trio had gone through, for all the pain in their lives and the conflicts between them, for Mark, for Addison and for Derek, it had all been worth it. This small weak life that would grow into the most amazing child in the world had been more than worth it.

"I'm Derek." He whispered, smiling brightly, "And by the way, you're Matt. You're Matthew Mark Sloan."


	15. Chapter 15

Hi! First, I want to apologize to anyone still interested in this story. I left it on hold for many reasons, one of the main being my extreme annoyance at Grey's Anatomy latest seasons and the fact that I developed a rather strong dislike to Derek, so it was kinda hard to write him. Still, it was brought to my attention that I said I meant to finish this story and I don't like to go back on my word. So, I'm going to finish, probably faster than I had first thought I would. Here's the next chapter; right now, I'm thinking I can wrap up this story properly with another chapter and an epilogue. I do not have a beta reader though, and English is not my first language, so I want to apologize in advance to any grammatical mistakes, but at least I'll get the story done ;-p

Again, my sincere apologies to anyone I left hanging. I hope this chapter makes up for it, and I'll post the next parts as soon as I can.

DISCLAIMER: Not mine, never mine.

* * *

Chapter XV

_::Hello?::_

"Hey… Callie Torres?"

_::Yeah, this is __her.::_

"Hey, Cal. It's Roan Montgomery… Addie's brother?"

_::Hey, Ro! Long time no see! How's everything going?::_ Roan felt silent. He had thought the whole conversation in his head; he knew Addison's friends deserved to know about the situation and had decided to call Callie, so she could let everyone at Seattle know. Still, it was harder than he though it would be.

"Umh…"

_::That was a stupid question, wasn't it?::_ he could hear the trepidation in the orthopedic surgeon's voice, _::Of course it's stupid,::_ Callie continued _::otherwise, Addison would have called me herself.::_

"Callie…"

_::What happened?::_

"Callie…"

_::Cut the BS, Roan! What happened?!::_

"She… Callie, Addison had some complications…"

_::Did she lose…?"_

"No. But they had to deliver earlier…"

_::They delivered before thirty weeks?!::_

"They had no choice. If they hadn't we could have lost them both."

_::And… __who did we lose?::_

"So far? No one." He sighed, thanking to God that he was telling the truth and that so far his family was intact, "Matt is up in the NICU… he's going to be spending a long time there, but at least he's stable. The doctor's think he has a pretty good chance of getting through this. And Addison… she's in a comma right now."

_::Comma?!!::_

"Yeah… she seized, so they had to perform a c-section and she hasn't woken up yet. She should soon enough, though."

_::Is she…?::_

"Physically, I think she's as good as can be expected. We're still praying for the best… but we have no reason to panic yet."

_::Besides the whole delivering Matt earlier part?::_

"Yeah." Roan gave a soft laugh in spite of himself. He really did like Addison's friends and could understand why his sister was so fond of Callie, "Besides that."

_::I'm guessing this is why Shepherd disappeared…::_

"Yeah. I assumed Richard would have told you…"

_::Probably didn't want to say a thing before he had some facts.::_

"Probably. Anyway…"

_::Anyway, I just paged Miranda and Preston __to tell them, then we'll probably collectively go to Webber's office to make sure he didn't know before kicking his ass for not letting us know sooner. Afterwards, I'm asking for a couple of days to fly over… Miranda would probably insist in coming, been godmother and all.::_

"Callie, you don't have to…"

_::Yeah, I do. I promised Addie I would be the cool aunt and that I would fly over to meet Matt, and I'm keeping my word.::_

"Fine. She'll like to wake up to that."

_::Of course she will! Now… they're both weak but they're doing fine, right?::_

"Right."

_::Ok. Then I want to know just how cute Matt is.::_ Roan laughed again, remembering his nephew's little hands and big eyes.

"He's… insanely gorgeous. Insanely gorgeous."

_::Who… who does he…?::_

"Mostly Mark. There's a whole lot of Addison in there too. But he's going to be a MiniMark."

_::That's good.::_ Callie exhaled, _::Addison will love that.::_

"Yeah. Speaking of Addison…"

_::You totally need to get back to her. Thanks so much for calling."_

"It's okay. I'll see you, Callie."

_::Sooner than you'd hope. __Take good care of our girl. Bye, Ro.::_

Roan pocketed his cell phone. He knew he should have made that call sooner, but amiss everything that had been happening, it had slipped his mind. But as he had been sitting by Addison's side and remembering their last night at Seattle, he had jumped to his feet, realizing he had neglected to call her friends.

It had been two days since Derek had come running through the hospital's corridor, demanding to know what had happened to Addison. In these two days, Addison had yet to wake up, as much as they both had hoped she would already be awake by now. The doctors kept telling them not to freak out just yet, and both men were trying their best not too. Still, Roan had been practically living by his sister's bedside. Up in the NICU, Derek had been spending the better part of his time by Matt's incubator. Every few hours, they changed positions, so that Derek could tell Addison every little new thing he had learned about Matt and, in turn, Roan could tell his baby nephew every single embarrassing story he could recall about Addison.

It had surprised Roan, truth be told, that Derek had opted to stay by Matt's side. He had figured the minute Derek Shepherd arrived to New York, he would claim his post by Addison's bed and not leave her out of his sight until she finally opened her eyes. But Derek had trusted him to take care of Addison while he did the same for the baby. Given that both Addie and Derek… and Mark… were all so known and loved among the NY medical community, it had taken very little to convince the Chief to let Roan and Derek stay all day and night. Furthermore, Derek usually remained in the room while the doctors examined Matt and was never shy about reading his and Addison's charts by himself, much to the annoyance of the other doctors.

When Roan had asked Derek why he had chosen to stay with Matt instead of Addie, he had been surprised by the serenity with which his answer came: it's what Addison would have wanted.

Roan knew Derek was right.

Addison would have worried so much more about her son being taken care of than about herself. She would have undoubtedly demanded that both Derek and Roan stayed with the baby. But as it was, neither man was willing to let either Addison or Matthew unattended; besides, their arrangement worked just fine.

If Roan was true to himself, he preferred it this way.

It was not because he didn't want to spend time with his baby nephew; in the few hours the child had become a real part of his life, Roan had been surprised by how much he already loved him. That baby boy that looked so much like Mark Sloan but with enough of Addison Montgomery in him was going to run circles around him and he knew it. It was not that he didn't want to be there for him.

It was just that… now, more than ever, Roan was starting to believe.

He believed, sincerely, that Derek Shepherd might finally be a man worthy of staying by his sister's side. And if he was that man, then he would end up being the closest thing Matt would ever have to a father.

If Addison couldn't be there… if Mark couldn't be there… then it was a good thing that Derek was.

He looked back at his sister's pale face, still immobile in her bed.

God, he just wanted her to wake up. She HAD to wake up, for all the three men in her life…

"Come on, Addie." He whispered, "Cut it out, okay? Wake the hell up."

Nothing in her expression changed and Roan let out a long breath as he sat by her bed again.

"Remember that time, when we were kids, that I broke my arm?" he took her hand in his and allowed a sad smile to break through his face, remembering times and people long gone, "I was, what, twelve? And you seven. Dad took us to the park and I complained the whole time that I was too old to be going to outings to the park with my father and baby sister. And of course, that got you all riled up, complaining that you were not a baby. All this while you were holding that ridiculous doll with the big head and weird hair? Not your most mature look, honey, but I'll let it go in account on you been seven and all. We got to the park and you raced to the swings, I sat on a bench hell bent on not talking to either of you. Dad went to the swings with you to make sure you wouldn't get lost since I was not really moving. About ten minutes later, while dad was distracted, I decided to leave. But instead of going home, I made it to this huge tree… I decided climbing the tree was way cooler than hanging around with you. I climbed a few branches, I actually got way up, I was rather proud. Anyway, dad noticed and screamed my name until I called back from the top branch. He ordered me down but I refused, because I was convinced I could make it to the top of the tree. Dad yelled for me to come back down again, but I told him no and started climbing again. Obviously, I fell on my ass." Roan laughed, remembering how his hand had slipped and he had lost his footing on the branch.

"Anyway, dad kinda managed to catch me, but I lost consciousness for a couple of hours. When I woke up, I had this pretty cool blue sling for my broken arm, dad was pretty upset about me going off by myself and not climbing down when he told me to. And you… well, you were still clutching your ugly doll and your eyes were all puffy. I remember that the most, you know? I felt so damn guilty… and then you started crying and climbed to my bed. Remember that, Addie? You climbed so that I could give you a hug with my good arm… and you told me to never do that again. I promised I wouldn't and I didn't. But when mom came and took you home, before I was discharged, I remember talking to dad. You know what he told me? That you had been crying the whole time because you were afraid I was not going to open my eyes ever again. Back then I kinda laughed it off, said that you were a silly girl or something." Roan took a deep breath, "It's not so silly anymore. I'm not laughing it off. If this is payback for back then, I got the message Add. Please, PLEASE, wake up. I'm afraid, okay?" he did his best to stop the tears, but he could already feel the warm moistness in his cheeks, "I'm afraid you wont open your eyes ever again. You gotta wake up before I lose my freaking mind."

Roan wasn't surprised when she didn't wake up. He had spent enough time by his sister's still body that he was starting to get use to the silence. That was actually one of the things that bothered him more. Addison was always so vibrant and full of life; it was wrong to get use to seeing her this… quiet. This lifeless.

"Fine. I'll wait a little bit longer. But you better wake up soon." He muttered, placing a soft kiss on Addison's forehead. He didn't like waiting anymore than the normal man, but he guessed in this case, patience would have to do. Still, though, he was starting to run out of that, so she better wake up sooner rather than later.

== == == A == == ==

"_Addie?" Derek made his way into the on-call room. He had been doing some charts when one__ of the nurses had approached him, to tell him that he better get in there. Apparently, she had spotted his girlfriend making a run for the room, looking rather upset. Derek had dropped what he was doing in a second, worry about Addison foremost in his mind. They had been together since medschool, and had managed to get into the same Surgical Program. They were in their first year; so, they were interns, the much needed slaves the medical care of the world needed to work efficiently. Without interns like them, who would get the Neurosurgeons and Cardiothoracic Surgeons the coffee they so needed to save lives?_

_Obv__iously, been an intern was hard, specially, for Derek, who had such a healthy self-esteem. It was hard to accept that after been THAT guy in medical school – the brilliant guy, the one that was talented and admire, who also happened to be rather good-looking and have the hottest and smartest girlfriend in the whole university – he was all of a sudden a nobody. He was glad, though, that he still got to be around Addison. Even if he was nothing to all the hotshot surgeons, he knew that to her he was always this perfect guy – her 'prince charming', she had once called him._

_That they were in the same program, even under the same resident – notorious Doctor Richard Webber from Seattle – meant that they could be there for each other. Unlike most of the other interns, they didn't need to drown their sorrows into alcohol or one-night-stands. They had each other._

"_Addison? Baby?" he called again. He caught __sight of her, laying on her side in one of the beds. Her shoulders were shaking, a clear indication that she was crying. She was also hugging herself, arms around her waist. Her knees were bent almost to her chest and her long beautiful red hair was spilling from the French-braid she had worked on so hard before they left their apartment that morning._

"_Addison!" he rushed to her, trying to take her in his arms. It surprised him that she fought his embrace; he was usually the one person that she trusted would protect her. Now, tho__ugh, she wasn't even facing him, "Addison! It's me! What's going on? Addison!" finally, her eyes focused on him, as if becoming aware for the first time that Derek was the person invading her personal sanctuary. All of a sudden, she flung herself into his arms and he was only too happy to offer the comfort that she needed. He hold her as tight as he could without hurting her, all the time kissing her temple and muttering soothing words to try and help her calm down. After a good ten minutes of crying, he felt Addison's breathing starting to calm down. The hysterical cries became sobs and finally small whimpers and hiccups, and her embrace became less crushing; Derek realized that it was more about the crying exhausting her than she actually feeling better, so he continued his ministrations until her cries stopped altogether and her body stopped shaking._

"_It's okay, love… I've got you. I've got you." He felt her nod against his chest and he smiled, knowing that she was almost ready to talk. He rubbed her back lovingly, until Addison pushed softly against his chest, trying to face her husband._

"_I… I__'m fine now." She gave him a weak smile and the color came back slowly to her cheeks, "I'm… sorry. I'm so sorry, Derek…"_

"_You have nothing to be sorry about."_

"_I'm supposed to be stronger than this… I'm a surgeon. I'm supposed to handle things…"_

"_You're tough as nails, Addie. But in those rare occasions when you need to cry or you feel blue, I'm the one __who's supposed to comfort you, so this is just fine, alright?"_

"_Okay." She tried smiling again, but he could still see the sadness in her eyes._

"_Are you ready to tell me what happened, now?"_

"_No."_

"_Addie…"_

"_I'm never speaking to Doctor Webber again."_

"_Why?" Derek knew that their mentor was not only a gifted surgeon but also a dec__ent man; still, he couldn't keep his brain from reviewing about a hundred different ways in which the elder surgeon could have reduced his wife to this state._

_All those options made Derek feel like hitting something._

"_He… he lied to me!" Derek could see Addison was starting to get worked up again. Still, this time her tears felt si__lently and she seemed angrier._

"_He lied to you?"_

"_About… about… Emery!" she__ almost choked at the mention of the name he knew too well. Emery Langdon was a two-week all girl that had been under Addison's care her whole life, literally. Addison had been in the delivery room as Emery was born; the baby had been premature and had a rather weak heart. Addison had devoted herself completely to Emery's care and she had come to love the baby girl._

"_Emery? Is… is Emery okay?" Addison__ couldn't even manage to answer; she shook her head and Derek understood. Emery had died, "Oh, Addie. I'm so sorry…"_

"_I have been taking care of her for weeks! I… I did everything I could…!"_

"_I know. Doctor Webber knows…"_

"_NO! He lied! He did this!"_

"_What…? Honey, I know you're upset, but you can't blame Webber…"_

"_You don't understand! He told me to stay by her side! He told me I was responsible… that it was on me if the baby died or not…"_

"_Addison is not on you…"_

"_I fell asleep! I spend the last 50 hours by Emery's side… I fell asleep and when I woke up…"_

"_Oh, Addison." He wiped her tears softly with his thumb, but she was still trying to talk._

"_No! Derek__, he played me!"_

"_What?!"_

"_He… he told me I had to take care of Emery…"_

"_I know…"_

"_No, you don't! He knew Emery was going to die__ anyway!"_

"_What?"_

"_He knew Emery was going to die! He… he told me… her liver and her lungs where also compromised… Doctor Hansen couldn't operate on her heart… she was going to die either way… and… he didn't tell me! I tried every single thing! I revived her five times! I… I __pumped every single medicament known to man into her! I fought so hard! And he knew! He knew!"_

_Addison dissolved once again in tears. Derek embraced her again to help her settle down. He couldn't understand why Doctor Webber had chosen to do this. If the baby was going to die either way, why let Addison believe that she stood a chance in saving her? Why allow Addison to work so hard on her and get attached…_

_Oh._

_The reason was becoming clearer to Derek._

_Richard Webber would never hurt Addison like this over nothing. If anything, Derek was pretty sure that Addison was his favorite intern. They all still got treated like the help, but Webber more often than not chose Addison for her surgeries. Addison once mentioned to Derek that Webber had tried to convince her to go into General Surgery, but when informed that she was settled on Neonatal Surgery, he had recommender her himself to Doctor Brandon Arlington, Head of Neonatology._

_But he also knew his wife. For as talented as she was, she al__ways got too attached. He guessed it was inevitable, specially considering that she dealt with babies day in and day out. Still, it was a dangerous flaw for a surgeon to not be able to put distance between herself and her patients._

"_He said…" she continued, "he said that I had to learn. That I would never become a great surgeon if I…"_

"_Didn't learn __to put some distance between you and your patients." Derek hadn't realized he had said it out loud until he noticed Addison's eyes, huge and sparkling, focused on him._

_God, he was done for it…_

"_So you're on his side!"_

"_No! Addison, I'm on your side! I'm always in you side!"_

"_No you're not! You think I can't handle it! You think I get too attached!" by now, she had pushed him away and was standing, pacing in front of him. Derek stood up, if only to remind himself that he was taller._

"_I think you can totally handle it. But… Addie… you do…"_

"_I do…?"_

"_Get too close. You get too close."_

"_So I'm supposed to be an emotionless robot who doesn't care for her patients? Unable to comfort them or feel for them? I don't think so and you and Webber can bite me!" Derek almost laughed at her phrasing, but he knew better than that. As it was, he wa__s already going to be sleeping on the couch for a couple of days, he was sure of it. She left the on-call room, the door slamming behind her._

_As upset as Derek still was that Richard Webber had reduced his wife to tears, he knew that it was a lesson Addison had to learn. Addison knew it too, but she was too close to see things clearly. She was thinking with her heart instead of her head. That was one of the things that Derek loved about her, but he knew she needed to stop. She had way too much potential to let this flaw stop her._

_Taking a deep breath, he knew what he had to do._

_Probably a week on the couch…_

_He left the on-call room and found her by the nurse's station doing charts. He rushed towards her and, without saying a word, took her by the arm, guiding her to the elevator._

"_Derek! What the __hell…?!" she yanked her arm free but Derek simply snaked his arm around her waist and pushed her forward, "What's wrong with you? Let me go!"_

"_No."_

"_No?"_

"_No. We're doing this even if I have to carry you over my shoulder."_

"_What is 'this'?"_

"_Just come."_

"_Derek…"_

"_Addison!"_

"_Fine." She muttered and Derek could feel the venom in her breath.__ At least, she stepped into the elevator, albeit not saying a word. She followed him until she realized where he was taking her._

"_Derek…" she sounded scared._

"_Come on."_

"_I don't want to…"_

"_Trust me. Please." It took her a few seconds but she continued walking, his arm still encircling her waist. She stood motionless while they entered the morgue. Derek asked the attendant to let them see Emery Langdon, explaining that Addison had been her physician. The attendant let them to the baby's body and was nice enough to let them have a moment alone with her._

_Addison was crying silently, her eyes fixed in the little form, still, in front of her._

"_Look at her, Addie."_

"_Derek…" she cried, "why are you doing this to me?"_

"_Because I love you. Look at her." He allowed Addison a few more minutes of contemplation, before continuing, "She was a beautiful baby and she was lucky that you were the one taking care of her. You were kind and tender and __loving to her. You are a great doctor and a wonderful human being. Emery was lucky to have you."_

"_I should have done better…"_

"_There's nothing you could __have done. You did your best but there was nothing you could do to stop her dying. And she died. And you deserve to be sad that you lost a patient, you get to be upset that a child die… but Addison, you have to get over it and move on to the next patient."_

"_How can you say that?!"_

"_Because we're surgeons. We take care of the patients, we bond with them and we do out best to help them. But we're their surgeons, not their families. We can't let ourselves fa__ll in too deep with the patient; otherwise we won't be able to do this."_

"_I… I try not to…"_

"_I know. You gotta keep working on it. You have more empathy than most doctors I know and that's great, but you can't let yourself grow too close. She was a beautiful child, Addison, and you did you__r best. But Emery was a patient; she was not a relative or a friend. She was not our child. She was a patient."_

"_I… I know." She muttered, hiding her face underneath his chin. She took one last look at Emery's body, before turning into Derek's arms._

"_Sometimes it's hard… with the babies…"_

"_I know. But you'll figure it out."_

"_You think so?"_

"_I do. And some day… some day you won't be looking over a patient. You will be looking over a little baby that's half you and half me… that baby you'll get to fall in love with completely, heads over heels. Okay?"_

"_Okay." She gave him a faint smile and pecked him softly. He walked her out of the morgue and they made their way back to the surgical floor._

"_I love you." She whispered._

"_I love you too."_

"_But I still hate Webber. And you're __so sleeping on the couch."_

Derek sat looking at the small child in front of him. He couldn't help the adoration in his eyes as Matt's small fist encircled his finger. He took great attention in every single breath the baby took; every single movement. His favorite part was when their eyes looked; it was rare that it happened and he laughed every time, watching Matt attempting to focus unsuccessfully on him. But just seeing Matt trying to interact with the world around him had him in awe.

Never in his life had Derek felt this way. He had never understood when parents expressed their love for their children; he always assumed he would be a good father to a child, but also thought that parents often exaggerated when talking about parenthood.

He had been dead wrong.

He couldn't even begin to express the feelings that were cursing through him. There was nothing that came to mind that he would not be willing to do for Matt. He had fallen irrevocably in love with the small infant and there was nothing he wanted more than to finally be able to take him in his arms and hold him close to his chest. To feel the small form that had him so amazed against his body and see the recognition in the baby's face when his eyes met with Derek's.

Derek couldn't quite pinpoint the exact moment when he had started feeling like a father, but it had happened.

"I love you." He muttered, holding back tears at the emotion that rose in his chest, "I love you so much. I know you're not having much fun right now. But you gotta hold on. You hear me, ace? I want you to be a strong little boy for me and mommy. Can you do that?" the baby made a small gurgling noise and Derek laughed.

In the two days he had spent by Matt's side, his condition had continued to improve. He still had a long way ahead of him, but he was still breathing on his own, the medicines to help him develop his organs were working well and he seemed stronger by the hour.

He was a fighter, and Derek couldn't be more proud of him.

He thought about the adoption papers Addison had drafted and his heart almost exploded from his chest. This little boy in front of him could become his son.

Who was he kidding, Matt was already his son. But they could make it official. He could sign a paper and give Addison and Matt both the assurance that he was never going to be out of their lives.

He imagined nights of waking up in the middle of the night for late feedings, changing diapers or just giving a cuddle. He could picture Addison sitting in a rocking chair, Matt close to her chest as she sang to him and told him she loved him. One day, he would come home after hours of surgery, tired and ready to fall, and all of a sudden a little blond bundle would give his first steps towards him. One day, he would hear him whisper "Mama" and "Dada" in a small silly voice and watch him give them a beautiful smile he knew too well. There would be kindergarten plays, and school games, family dinners and vacations… Matt would grow up and get in trouble more often than not, how could he not? He was a Sloan. And there would be groundings and screaming matches. There would be heartbreaks and laughs… there would be a lifetime.

He wanted that lifetime.

All that had to happen for him to get it, was for Addison to open her eyes and Matt to be finally ready to be taken home.

Was that so much to ask?

"Hey." He was taken from his thought by Roan's voice.

"Hey. Addie okay?" he asked worriedly.

"The same."

"Oh."

"I came to relieve you."

"Oh… but…"

"Derek… you need to go to Addison okay? I promise Matt is in good hands. He's my nephew, remember?"

"I know. It's just that… that… he's…"

"He's your son?"

"Yeah." Derek couldn't help the smile that crept into his face. Hearing the words, his son... he had a son.

"Go. Your son and I have a lot to chat about." Derek nodded, giving the baby's hand one last squeeze. Matt was upset for a moment when Derek took his finger away, but seemed to calm down when he heard Roan's voice. Those few seconds when Matt would whimper at the lack a contact, were awful for Derek. He didn't want Matt to ever think – even for a second – that he was alone. As long as Derek was alive, that baby was never ever going to be alone. With one last longing glance at the child, he gave Roan's shoulder a squeeze and started his way towards Addison's room.

It really broke his heart to see Addison like that… but he still had the hope that maybe this would be the time she chose to wake up, and that chance alone was the thing that kept him going.

== == == A == == ==

Derek took a deep breath as he finally entered Addison's room. He d been hovering for a bout ten minutes and he knew he had to get inside at some point. He hated seeing Addison like that… he just hated it. It wasn't fair… he had promised her. A long time ago he had promised her that one day she would get to gaze upon a baby that was half his and half hers and that she would get to fall in love with him. First he had felt like he was failing her when he had been unable to fulfill his part in that promise. Now, he was pretty much doing all the gazing and falling in love by himself. Addison still hadn't gotten the chance to even meet her son.

And there was nothing that he could do and that was simply killing him.

He walked slowly towards her bed, taking her hand in his own. Her hand was usually so warm and soft. Now, her skin was dry and pale and her hands were cold. There was no way he could make his peace with the idea that this was actually Addison.

As difficult as it was watching Matt struggle, this was even worse. With Matt, at the very least he knew that the baby was progressing and getting better. At least he could see the small child interact with him and react to his presence. All the while Addison just seemed so… so quiet… so… no, he didn't dare continue that train of thought.

She would be fine and that was that.

"Hey." He finally managed, "It's me. Derek." He laughed at himself, "You didn't really need my help to figure that one out, right? Anyway, I'm sorry I'm not here with you more. I'm sorry… I hope you know it's not that I don't want to. I love you. It's just… as hard as it is, I would do it; you know that. I would stay with you until you opened those beautiful eyes of yours… but Mattie needs me. He needs one of us. I know that if you could, you'll ask me to stay with him, I know you're going to be that kind of 'mommy'." He sighed, his sad smile and downcast eyes betraying how hard this was. So, he decided to do what he did every time he was alone with Addie.

"I was just with him. God, Addie… he gets cuter by the second. Really, you wouldn't believe it… it's like not even fair to the other babies anymore. And he's a premie! Can you actually imagine what kind of beautiful we are talking about when he gets all chubby and can open his eyes the whole time and move around? I'm telling you, you did great in the whole genes department. And he's looking more like Mark too. Don't worry, you can still tell you're somewhere in there… he has the overall 'Montgomery attitude'. Seriously. Like he knows just how many kinds of amazing he is and how he is actually giving you the honor of his presence. I think it's Roan's doing too. But the face… the smile he's gonna give us… I'm telling you, Baby McSteamy all the way."

He laughed to himself, feeling a little bit more confident. Whenever he was with Addison, he felt the most comfortable discussing Matt. He was pretty sure Matt was going to be her favorite subject once she woke up anyway.

"So… Roan called Callie today. So, I'm guessing you can expect the whole Seattle deployment any moment now. And you should keep in mind that if Miranda Bailey is coming, it would be in your best interest to wake up before she slaps the coma out of you. Plus, you know how spoiled Matt is going to be with all this attention? He's already going to be cocky – sorry babe, but between you and Mark, I don't think that little baby ever stood a chance not to be – and now he'll know people actually get on planes just to meet him! Then again, he's totally worth it."

Derek stopped for a few instants. He was just gazing into Addison's face. God, she was so beautiful… and he was so in love. They needed this chance, they deserved it.

"You know… I'm not trying to pressure you or anything… but I was thinking… maybe once you're okay and the little guy is a little stronger… maybe then… you can come back home? Back to Seattle? I… if you want to stay in New York a little bit longer that's okay with me too… I'm just saying, the minute you're ready to make this… you know… official… forever… whatever you want it to be… I'm ready. I'm waiting. I love you. And this time it's for good Addison, this time I'm never ever letting go. Please, wake up…"

== == == A == == ==

The light was unbearable… why was there so much light? Where was she? She had to close her eyes immediately after she had finally managed to open them; there was just too much light. She could hear voices around her… almost frantic. A lot of voices she couldn't quite understand or recognized. Before all the noise she was pretty sure… she had heard him… she had heard _him_.

_Mark_. She thought, _I want you back, Mark_.

But as soon as she felt his presence, he was gone.

He was gone and every chance of being with him again was gone.

But she couldn't… there was a part of her that told her she couldn't let go. There was a huge part that knew that Mark wouldn't want her to let go either. A feeling… a morning spent together in bed in which his hand had covered her still flat stomach. A live they had created together and that they had intended to cherish forever. Mark had been stripped of that chance. But she still had some fight left in her, and for both of them, she had to be there for their son.

So she had kissed his last memory good-bye. She could still feel it, like a dream, his arms around her and his lips covering hers. His soft throaty voice as he whispered in her ear that he loved her, the warmth of his breath and the scratchy feeling of his beard. She could see his beautiful smile as he broke their kiss and the mischievous wink that made her knees go weak.

Mark was gone. But their memories together… those lived in her.

And in him.

A child she had carried for the both of them… a child that they loved.

She was fighting back… for their son, she had to fight back.

But… then… there was another voice.

A beautiful gentle voice that always seemed to know the right things to say. She knew that voice…

The voice of another lifetime.

_Derek_.

Derek was there… Derek was by her side and that made her feel peaceful.

As long as Derek was there she knew her son was not alone… and she knew, she still had a chance to live and love again.

She felt hands all over her body… she was a doctor, so she could recognize the movements even with her eyes closed. People fiddling with a series of tubes attached to her body; people reading over charts and machines. Hands probing her pressure, her temperature.

"Addison…"

She made a mental note to be kinder to patients that had just opened their eyes before sending in the medical troops…

"Addison, can you hear me?"

This time she focused on the voice calling her name. She took a deep breath and immediately her chest tightened and an uncomfortable feeling set up in her throat.

"Go slowly Addison. You gave us quite a scare. Breath very softly… in… and out…"

She followed the voice's instructions and this time the pain was lessened. She gave it another shot and opened her eyes. She recognized her doctor immediately and knew at once she was in the ICU. She was too weak to move her limbs, but tried her best to move her head, to show the medical team that she was aware of her surroundings.

"Wha…" she tried, but her voice came out like barely hoarse whisper.

"That's okay, Addison. Everything is alright." Doctor Connelly continued.

"I… the…" she was starting to panic. She was in the ICU and her OB/GYN was with her… did she have the baby? What happened to her son? Her body was numb and she couldn't even figure out if she was still pregnant.

"Relax, Addison. You had a flare up from the HELLP syndrome and started seizing. We had to deliver… calm down, your son is alright. Early, but thriving. I promise. At this point, it was you we were starting to get worried about. You've been in a coma for three days."

Addison tried to process all the information that was being given to her… three days? Her son had been alive for three days without her? She could feel the tears burning in her eyes; she wanted to see her son more than anything else in the world. She was afraid for a second; afraid that her son had been lonely…

No. There was no way her son was alone. Everything was coming back slowly to her… Rory. Her brother had been with her, she was sure that he would take care of Matthew.

But there was something… _someone_ else.

She had heard his voice… it couldn't be just a dream.

"D-De…" she was rapidly getting frustrated with her inability to communicate efficiently, "Der…" she managed. And all of a sudden, there he was.

Derek practically pushed Doctor Connelly out of the way and rushed towards her bed; she could feel his warm hand taking hers and he kissed it softly. She could read the fear he had experienced in his eyes. He was unshaven and his beautiful hair was all over the place. His eyes were shining, giving him the soft and tender look that had made her fall head over heels for him. He took a shaky breath and muttered something that she couldn't make out.

She didn't really need to understand what he had said.

She knew.

She hadn't even called him, she had been at her weakest, and he had come.

Her Derek had finally come home.

== == == A == == ==

Roan sighed in relieve as the nurses showed him out of Addison's room. She had finally woken up three hours ago, and now the doctors where running every single test in the book to make sure she was alright.

He had been in the NICU when he was told. He had been telling his nephew a very complex story of just how many times his mother had sneaked out of the house through the window, when a nurse had come over to them. She had given him a wide smile, her eyes drifting to the baby, and had informed him that Addison had woken up.

He could have kissed her.

Instead, he bombarded the poor woman with about a million questions. In his frenzy, he had managed to understand that the nurse didn't really have that much more information. Derek had been with Addison and all of a sudden she started to wake up; the doctors had immediately been alerted when Derek pressed the emergency button and were with her right now, assessing her condition. Roan had had the presence of mind to ask the nurse to stay with Matt so that he wouldn't be alone. She accepted and he smiled, relieved, stopping only to whisper into his nephew's incubator: "_Mommy's awake, kiddo_", before rushing towards Addison's room.

Obviously, he hadn't been let into the room as the doctors worked on his sister, and to his surprise, Derek had been kicked out too. His former brother-in-law mumbled something about Connelly thinking he was in the way and Roan could have laughed at his face. Still, he couldn't quite get over the fact that finally, everything was going to be okay.

Connelly had then come out and he spent ten minutes explaining him and Derek every single detail of what Addison's body had been put through. Derek had been interrupting the old man and asking questions, all while Roan had been practically bouncing by his side. He wanted to see Addison NOW.

Still, he knew that Derek was a doctor and it worked for the best that he had all the information necessary about Addie's condition. Derek had summed it all up pretty well: Addison had been put through hell, but she would be okay. Her body was healing and that would take time, but the important thing was that it would indeed heal. And while she was pretty weak for the time being, she hadn't suffered any brain damage.

It was then that all the worries that had taken residence in his mind since the call telling him that Mark Sloan had died had finally been alleviated. He had smiled as he had felt Derek's hand on his shoulder and couldn't believe what a difference it could make three days of hell to the relationship of two grown men. At this point, even if he was sarcastic and Derek was conceited, both men cared about Addison and Matthew. That was everything that mattered in their world.

She had been half sitting in her bed, resting against the pillows and looking slightly less pale than she had when she was unconscious. He could read the weakness in her body, but the spark in her eyes was almost completely back.

"_Well, well…" he started, smiling as he rushed to her bed and kissed her in the forehead, "see who has decided to finally wake up!"_

"_Seriously Adds!" Derek took his cue as the other man walked towards Addison's other side, taking her hand in his, "This is like a whole new level of lazy! Even for you!"_

"_Ha ha." Addison's voice came out a little dry, but Roan had never been happier to hear it in his whole life._

"_Seriously, though… Addie you scared the shit out of us." Roan muttered, his voice shaking._

"_Yes, this better be the last time you pull something like this on us." Derek agreed. Addison gave them a soft smile and squeezed both their hands._

"_I love you." She said softly. Roan laughed an immediately said it back. He saw Derek choking back the tears and he planted a soft kiss in Addison's cheek._

Roan had known that they had limited time before the doctors kicked them out. It was clear to anyone that Addison needed to rest, and he was keen in allowing her to recover from her surgery. So, they spend the time joking and trying to put on a brave face; Roan was pretty sure that after the last few days ordeal, Derek and he would be collapsing any time now, just not in front of her.

She had asked if he was okay, and there was no question about the _he_ she was asking about. Roan could see the question clear in her eyes from the moment they entered the room, and had been kind enough to allow them to wind out before asking.

Roan hadn't gotten a chance to answer before Derek had started a long description of Matthew. Roan had been surprised by just how precise his portrayal was; he had Matt memorized from the baby's toe to the couple of hairs adorning his head. He had laughed as Derek went into detail about how sparkly his eyes were.

"_Dude, he barely opens his eyes!" Roan laughed._

"_But when he does, they're __really sparkly!"_

"_Whatever."  
_

"_Maybe he just doesn't open them up so he doesn't have to see you ugly mug, Montgomery!"_

After Addison had told them to quit it, Derek had continued. It became obvious that Derek was mesmerized by the way Matt would hold his finger in his whole fist. Roan was pretty sure that there was no way the baby's hold could be as strong as Derek thought, but he was willing to let it pass. He had trouble reconciling the image of the cocky annoying young man his sister had introduced them to with this man that was excitedly describing a three-day-old baby.

"_He's better than okay, Addie. He's gorgeous."_

"_Yeah?" she asked softly, tears threatening to fall._

"_Beautiful. Just beautiful."_

There had been a part of Roan that had considered that maybe he ought to give them some privacy. There was a whole other part though, that was not willing to ever again leave his sister out of his sight.

Finally, it was the nurse that made that call when she ushered both men outside, claiming that it was time for Addison to rest. As they reached the waiting area, Roan spared a glance at his former – and apparently future – brother in law. Derek seemed like he had aged about five years in three days. There was a smile in his eyes, though. He seemed like a man that was finally breathing after forgetting to do so for a long time. He looked like a man that had finally remembered he was actually alive.

"You okay there, Shepherd?" he asked, just to make sure.

"Yeah." The choked breath in Derek's voice made him doubt that.

"She's okay, you know?"

"Yeah." All of a sudden, Roan noticed how pale Derek was becoming. He had been pretty animated inside Addison's room, probably because of the adrenaline running through his veins after she had finally woken up.

Now, though, Addison wasn't there.

She couldn't see him.

He didn't need to be strong anymore.

Roan took a deep breath as he took a couple of steps towards the younger man. Derek was looking straight ahead, not saying a word. Roan moved his hand softly and laid it on top of Derek's shoulder.

"Derek?"

Nothing.

"Derek!" he called him again, a little more forcefully this time. That finally got him Derek's attention. Roan couldn't help but feel sorry for him; his eyes were glazed and he looked like a lost puppy.

_This must be that whole 'McDreamy' look thing._

"She's okay, Derek. This was bloody scary, but you know she's okay now. She's gonna stay okay. So is Matt."

"She… it was so hard, Roan. I thought… I…"

"I know."

"I thought she was never…"

"I know, Derek."

It all happened so fast. One minute he was talking to a shaken Derek Shepherd and the next the renowned neurosurgeon was on the floor. Derek felt on his knees and his face was covered by his hands. Even though, a strangled moan was audible and he seemed to be gasping for air. Roan had never seen this man like that… in all honesty, he had never even though Derek was capable of this kind of emotion.

Instinct took over as Roan kneeled by Derek's side. He pulled the younger man into an embrace, hoping to be able to give him the strength he needed to pull himself together. He couldn't help it as a few tears spilled from his own eyes as Derek cried pitifully. After a couple of minutes he felt Derek stiffen, and then he started to relax. He sighed, controlling his own tears, until Derek pulled out of his embrace. Nurses and doctors had walked by them the whole time, but they didn't seem to seem at all aware of the two men sobbing on the floor. Roan guessed that it was a rather common sight in the hospital

_God… I hope it was at least a manly embrace…_

"You okay?" he asked. Derek had his eyes fixed on the floor, but Roan could see the color on his cheeks.

He was pretty sure his were rather red too.

"Yeah. Yeah." Derek answered, still acutely embarrassed.

Roan looked at his hands, not really sure what to do next.

"Cool." He answered easily.

"So…"

"Yeah. So…"

"I never… you know, I've never…"

"I know. It's cool."

"Yeah."

"Me neither."

"Right."

"We should… stand up?"

"Yes! Good!" both men stood up abruptly, laughing at their mutual discomfort.

"Mmh… coffee?" Derek asked.

"Oh God, yes!" Roan answered as they made their way to the cafeteria in silence.

== == == A == == ==

"I WANT TO SEE MY SON!" Addison was starting to lose her patience. It had been two days since she had officially woken up from her coma and she was yet to meet her son. Apparently, she still needed to be under close observation, just to make sure that everything was alright. And Matthew had been so premature that the doctor hadn't felt it was in his best interest to move him from the NICU.

She was all for her son's best interest; still, she wanted to meet her baby!

"Addie, sweetie. Calm down…"

"Calm down?!" she turned her eyes menacingly towards Derek, "Are you seriously telling me to calm down?!"

"Mmmh… no?" he whispered and she could read the fear in his eyes.

Good. He ought to be scared. As far as he was concerned, he was one of the mean people that didn't let her see her baby.

She heard a mumbled laugh from the door.

"Shut up, Rory!"

"Shutting up, sis." He accepted at once.

Addison took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

She knew it was neither Derek nor Roan's fault. Still, she needed someone… something to blame. Something other than her body, that had failed both her and Matt.

"I'm sorry, guys." She whispered.

"It's okay." Derek reassured her immediately, taking her hand in his. She smiled, not quite believing how comforting the mere act of feeling his skin against hers was, "You have every right to be upset."

"I just… I need him. And he needs me. I don't want him to think I don't love him…"

"There's no way in hell he could believe that. Roan and I have explained the whole situation to him. He knows mommy loves him. Promise." Derek gave her his patented smiled, and had she been standing, she would have gotten weak in the knees.

"He's getting better, right?" she asked.

"By the second." Derek answered immediately.

"Calm down, Addie." Roan said, "You'll get to meet Matt in a few minutes; you'll see for yourself that he's a healthy happy baby."

"I just want to hold him so bad!" she sighed.

"That may be a little while longer. But you can hold his hand." Derek said excitedly.

"God! Not again with the 'strong hold' thing…" Roan muttered.

"Shut up!" both Derek and Addison admonished as the three shared a laugh.

"Doctor Montgomery?" a young nurse came into the room, pushing a wheelchair. Addison felt her breath caught in her chest.

_Finally! I'm going to see him!_

She had been extremely sad when Doctor Connelly had prohibited her from leaving her bed immediately after she woke up. She knew it was the right medical call; quite frankly, she would have done the same thing herself. Still, it was a whole different game when you were on the other side. All her medical training, her two-million-dollar-a-year hands and the dozen of degrees she owned were cold comfort as she was a woman, laying in a hospital bed, and in desperate need to see her son by herself.

Derek and Roan had fulfilled their part, though. They made sure that while one of them was with Addison all the time, the other one was to stay with the baby to make sure he knew he was not alone. Also, Derek had a Polaroid camera and they had brought her the first pictures of his baby boy.

_God, he looks so much like Mark… Mark would have loved him so much…_

No.

She couldn't continue to do this.

Mark would always be an open wound; she was going to miss her husband for the rest of her life. Still, she had to be done with the grieving and mourning. She had a son that needed her and one day would want her to tell him about his father. She had to be strong enough to do that. As much as she missed Mark, she had a huge reason to live now. She took a deep breath as Derek helped her into the wheeling chair.

_Maybe even more so._

Derek was there.

She didn't even need to call him. She had asked for space and he had given it to her; but the moment he had heard she and the baby were in trouble, he had hopped in a plane and rushed to her side. No consideration to his job, the hospital, his life, his needs… none of the usual excuses he would use when they had been married.

Nothing.

Just a smile and a kiss and pictures of her son.

_Can this be for real… is this the way it was supposed to end?_

She had had a lot of trepidation when she renewed her relationship with Mark. What did it say of her marriage – the last third of her life – that she would end up with his best friend? Had her whole marriage been a mistake? Was Derek something she had to go through to find her peace with Mark?

And now, she had to face the same demons again. Derek was there… he had been there at the beginning and he wanted to be there at the end. Even though, there was no way she would ever be able to think of Mark as something in between. How would Mark had felt if he knew there was a chance she was going back to Derek?

_As lon__g as the baby and I were happy, he wouldn't have mind. I miss you, Mark. I love you. But you would want this… you would want a family for us…_

Maybe this was the road she was supposed to go down to. She had spent a lot of time defining herself by the men she was with. All of a sudden, it had become painfully clear that while Derek and Mark would always be an important part of her life, the most important one was yet another man…

_Matthew. God, I love you so much Matt. How can I love you this much?_

She took a deep breath as Derek wheeled her to the NICU. Roan was walking by Derek's side and the nurse was still hovering around, although she was kind enough to not intrude in the private moment that was about to take place.

"We're here." Derek's soft voice called to her. She turned to him and could see his eyes dancing with excitement, "Ready?"

"Yeah." She nodded. She covered his hand with hers, mouthing a thank you for how wonderful he had been the last few days. He smiled again, taking her hand and kissing it softly.

She turned to her brother and noticed that he was standing a little bit back.

"Rory? You coming?"

"No." he answered easily, "You go."

"But… Rory…"

"Go in with Derek. I'll wait outside."

"You don't have to…" Addison started.

"Addie. Go with Derek. I'll wait outside and when you two come out, you can tell me all over again how strong the baby's hold is and how sparkly his eyes are. Go." he gave her a reassuring smile and she finally relented. She turned back to Derek.

"Let's go."

Derek pushed the wheelchair slowly, mindful of hurting her. She would have hopped out of the chair and run to the incubator, but that was a sure way to get herself banished from the NICU and that was a chance she was not taking. After what felt like hours – she was pretty sure it had been a matter of seconds in reality – she was facing the incubator.

_My son. This is my son._

The baby was awake and kicking his little legs. She smiled, relieved in the knowledge that he was this strong and responsive.

_Thank you, God._

She had seen his pictures, but nothing could have prepared her for this moment.

The first thing she noticed were his eyes. He had Mark's eyes; there was no question of it. She had fallen in love with those eyes and she fell like it was happening all over again. Mark's eyes had always been a weird combination of colors… from hazel, to green, to blue. She had loved his eyes, because it was in them that Mark was himself. There was no pretense, no bravado… whatever Mark had been really feeling, she had always been able to read it in his eyes.

And now, she was staring at those amazing eyes again.

She could see the Montgomery family traits in him as well, and also more of Mark, but at the moment, his eyes held her attention.

He made a gurgling noise and some of the ice that had formed around her heart after Mark's death melted immediately. She had never in her life heard such a beautiful sound.

"Matthew." She whispered. Just saying the word, saying his _name_, was so powerful. He was no longer inside of her; he was a little person, with his own life ahead of him. A little person that didn't know any better than to kick his small legs and make cute little noises; he didn't know any better than to look at her and Derek with complete an utter trust. He was this tiny, innocent and perfect being that she was going to get to take home. It was almost too much for her to process.

"He likes it when you talk to him." Derek whispered by her side. She had been so taken with Matt that she didn't noticed Derek was now sitting by her side.

"What?"

"He likes it when you talk to him. He likes to hear stories; turns his little head and looks straight at you while you talk. I know he's too young to actually 'focus'… but I don't know, he does it anyway. And when you're talking to him, he usually starts moving his hands, like clenching and unclenching them… that's your cue that he wants to grip your finger. Then again, I'm pretty sure that when he figures out that his mommy has pretty shiny red her, he's going to be aiming at that."

"And you know all this?"

"Yeah! Matt and I are pals! Right, Matt?" Addison watched in wonderment as the baby immediately turned at the sound of Derek's voice, "Hey, ace, remember how I told you earlier I was going to bring mommy in to see you? Well, this is her. She's kinda nervous to meet you, so I want you to be on your best behavior, okay? Atta boy." Derek smiled and immediately introduced one of his hands in the incubator, stopping to tick the baby's stomach. That caused another round of kicking legs.

"He likes that too." Derek continued, this time addressing Addison, "He doesn't like it when you tickled his feet though, trust me. That was the day we knew for sure his lungs were fine." She had to laugh as Derek turned his attention once again to the baby, "Now, ace, hear me out. Mommy is going to talk to you now, okay? So you lay nice and still and pay attention. We'll play later, I promise." Derek gave her an encouraging smile as she turned back to the baby.

_He's looking at me… how did Derek got him to actually look at me…_

"Hey, Matt." She started crying the moment she said the first word. This was finally happening. Derek caressed her hair, but made not move to contain her emotions. He knew she needed to let it all out.

"I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry you woke up and I wasn't there. I wanted to be though, I wanted to be SO much… I'm sorry you got such a rough start. I wanted it to be better for you… I wanted you to be able to grow strong and big in my belly and then come out and immediately be in my arms… I never wanted to miss a second of your life. I'll never forgive myself for not been there… but I love you so much, Matt. I have never loved anyone as much as I love you and I never will. I miss your first couple of days… but I'm here now. I'm not going anywhere, I promise. It's gonna be difficult for the next few weeks still… but I'm here, okay? Mommy's here and mommy loves you."

She timidly lifted her hand and introduced it slowly into the NICU. Matt seemed fine with the movement and that encouraged her. She could see her hand trembling, this was going to be the first time she would touch her son. She moved her hand towards the baby's face and softly caressed his pink cheek with one finger. Matt sighed contentedly and she laughed through her tears.

"He liked that!" she exclaimed.

"He likes _you_." Derek answered.

"God you're pretty. You're the prettiest little boy in the world…" his hands started to clench and she smiled as she moved her pinky so it would be closer to his reaching hands. Immediately he grabbed and Addison could feel him softly squeezing it.

"He's so strong." She muttered.

"Told you so." She could hear the laughter in Derek voice. She sighed and laid her head on his shoulder. His arm went around her shoulders as he continued making small circles on the baby's tummy.

"Everything's going to be okay… isn't it Derek?"

"It is." He promised as he planted a soft kiss over the top of her head, "And Addie? None of this was your fault. And he knows you love him and he loves you too."

"And you just know these things?"

"I just know these things." She nodded.

_You were here, Derek. You're still here. Thank you._


End file.
